Gentle Teej

So Im at my homegirl's crib and her 8 yr old niece is there. U know The Teej loves the kids, and all the kids love The Teej, right? So me and lil miss thang are talking and she compliments my mustache of all things. I crack up laughing and blush at the same time b/c I think it's adorable that this 8 yr old is telling me she likes my mustache. I say "Oh really? Well thank you!" No lie she reaches over and hugs me and says "I like you. You're gentle!" I asked her why would she say that......b/c she just shocked me with this 'gentle' line. And she goes "Well most guys would just say (sticks out her chest and in her best macho man-esque voice says) Oh thanks!".

I was floored. It made me think really. Im glad to be me. With my gentle self *wink*. But I can flip it when need be. But I prefer gentle you know. And it's appreciated. If not by most, by a small few. A small few including my friends, a noted author (read next blog), and an 8 yr old who really count.

bell hooks

I actually did this blog like 3 weeks ago. The post didnt go through though. Anyone familiar with the black feminist author bell hooks? I met her recently. Actually she's my new best friend apparently. Lemme explain.....

I was at working at the hotel when she came in and asked me where the washroom was. I pointed her in the right direction and said to myself 'Damn she looks like bell hooks. Nahhh couldnt be!". 2 minutes later a rep from the Chicago Public Library came to me to double check that the payment of Ms. hooks' room had been taken care of. I said to the lady 'I thought that was her! Im a fan of hers'. The lady was like 'Great! I'll introduce you when she comes back!"

Sure enough when Ms. hooks came back, the library lady walked her over and introduced us. I told Ms. hooks that Im a fan of hers (truth!), and that I have a few of her books (not so truth! lol). I have read a couple of her books, but I borrowed those from friends, but she didnt have to know all that, right? I told her I wish I had known b/c I woulda brought a book to sign. She turned to her friends and said "Oh great ladies. Anthony's on the team!" ( Not sure what that meant...but I cautiously took it as a compliment.) She told me she wasnt leaving til tomorrow and left out with her friends. When I looked her up in the system she was set to leave before I got to work. The next day I didnt expect to see her, but she surely came in while I was there. Her car wasnt picking her up til 5pm. I told her I didnt expect to see her and didnt bring my book of hers from home (another not so truth!), but that I'd run to the Border's across the street and grab something.

And that's what I did. I brought her latest book "We Real Cool (Black Men and Masculinity)". It's all about the black male and what people, even us, deem masculine. OH SHIT....that's right up my alley. If you know me.....you know Im not even close to what is perceived to be the typical black male. My sexuality and masculinity has been questioned more times than I care to count, but Im all man. Anyways she was happy that this is the book of hers that I bought. She actually said she hoped I'd get this one. We had a nice talk, albeit brief....about 10 minutes or so. We talked about a bunch of things. She said that I reminded her of this younger guy she dated a few years ago. She's 52. She said that the guy was often ridiculed b/c he was soft spoken, quiet and gentle. People questioned his sexuality b/c of his easy nature. She said it was a good part of the reason she wrote the book. I told her on how I could relate to that. She reiterated how happy she was that I bought the book. So happy in fact....not only did she sign my book... "Anthony! thank you for welcoming me - How lucky I am that men like you exist - In solidarity bell hooks" ................she ALSO wrote her home address in it b/c she wants me to write her when I finish the book! UNBELIEVABLE, right? She left and I promised I would write her when Im done with the book. You would think it ended there but it didnt.

About a week or so after she left....I stop in on my job on my day off to use the phone and I see this huge book in my mailbox. I open it up and it's one of the children's books she had co-written. One of the things her and I had talked about was how important it is to stay in touch with the little kid in yourself. The book is called "Be Boy Buzz". In it she wrote to me " Anthony!! to the boy within - never stop loving him. warmly, bell hooks". Now was that not the sweetest thing ever! Totally unexpected. In fact I dropped her a thank you card in the mail for that one today. So wouldnt you say that she's my new best friend? LOL.

More Various

* My mama of all people is really feeling Ying Yang Twins new song 'Wait'. My 51 year old mama! I on the other hand aint really made my mind up about it yet, but my mama be jamming on the one to it. LOL.

* My aunt called me last week to see if I was 'doing okay'. I thought it was really sweet of her to call and check on me like that. I usually call her to see if she needs anything since I stay pretty close to her and she's in a wheelchair. Triffling me forgot to call her back. She called me again today and I went over and ran a couple of errands for her. She asked me again about her calling me last week to see if I was 'doing okay'. I didnt understand why she kept saying that one little part about if I was 'doing okay'. Then she reminded me that the first day she called, 4/13 was the 2 year anniversary of my father passing. To be honest I knew it was in April, but I couldnt have told u the exact day if my life depended on it. Shit is still a blur really. I dunno if those issues will be worked out really.

* Im pretty sure these 2 asian chicks were checking out my package the other day. I was walking against the wind in my thin ass work trousers when I walked past them. I watched as their eyes fell from my eyes to my crotch. Then their eyes got a bit bigger. LOL. I couldnt help but to crack a huge smile as soon as I got by them. I mean Im not trying to brag or nothing, but the boy do better than okay *wink*

Mike Jones

Let this be a lesson in what a properly planned buzz will do for you. That and timing....and luck. WTF? Am I the ONLY person listening to this dude? Listen...Im far from a hater, but money IS NOT hot. He wont ever be hot. Maybe his lyrics will improve over time, but as of today Im not hearing what everyone else is. Dude is pretty fucking close to wack. I mean...goddamn if any fucking song is played enough, you'll eventually start to like it. I dont see what the big deal is.

I just read my fifty-leventh article on dude. He was just referred to as a 'rising hip hop star'. No! Little Brother are 'rising hip hop stars'. Not Mike Jones! I'll give credit where credit is due. The marketing scheme of always shouting out ur cell, putting it on t-shirts and wearing them in videos, encouraging folks to call u at anytime is pretty fucking ballsy, and it worked. But again....shouldnt it all come down to the music? Just listen to his verse in his "bass heavy, automobile anthem of the year "Still Tippin'" featuring close cronies Slim Thug and Paul Wall (who by the way has the song's best verse).

Four Fours I'm tippin'
Wood grain I'm gripping
Catch me lane switching with the paint dripping
Turn your neck and your dame missing
Me and Slim we ain't tripping
I'm finger flipping and syrup sipping
Like Do or Die I'm po pimping
Car stop rims keep spinning
I'm flipping drops with invisible tops
Hoes bop when my drop step out
I'm shaking the block with four eighteens
Candy green with eleven screens
My gasoline always supreme
Got doe doe to burn with a pint of lean
It takes grinding to be a king
It takes grinding to be a king
First Round Draft Picks coming
Who is Mike Jones coming
Slab shining with the grill and woman
Slab shining with the grill and woman
I'm Mike Jones (Who) Mike Jones the one and only
you can't clone me
Got a lot a haters and a lot of homies
some friends and some phony
Back then hoes didn't want me
Now I'm hot hoes all on me
Back then hoes didn't want me
Now I'm hot hoes all on me
Back then hoes didn't want me
Now I'm hot hoes all on me
(I Said!) Back then hoes didn't want me
Now I'm hot hoes all on me

What the fuck is up with the repeating of the lyrics? Yo I dunno if that was 16 bars, but that nigga must've wasted 10 with repeat lines. I mean I understand that he's hot regionally. But there are dudes rapping in Chinese in China too. That dont mean they are gonna be the next big thing in hip hop music. Yeah it's cool in Houston, but Texas is a pretty fucking big state. Of course he's popular there. I dunno yall.....the rap game is going down. At least it will if media keeps telling us who to like and who not to, and we listen.

Agressively Ridding of Thoughts and Feelings

U ever had to literally beat the living shit out of a thought or feeling of yours that you kept forgetting to forget and get rid of? I mean you have wait and catch that thought when it's by itself and then you jump on it's back and
choke-slam his ass? Or you hear that that one feeling that you are trying to get rid of is chilling all out in the open. So you sneak up behind him, take out it's knees and then stump on it's head til it's a bloody pulp!

Yall probably think I've gone crazy, but I havent. Well at least no crazier than I've always been. I mean it's just a metaphor....sheesh!

Who Knew about Fatty Koo?

Anybody see the premiere of BET's new show 'Blowing Up Fatty Koo'? I'll admit I had some initial hesitance about it. I mean first it's BET original programming. And second....I was thinking 'Well what the fuck is a Fatty Koo'?!?!?!?!
Anyways so it turns out the show follows 5 up and coming young ass musicians from Columbus, OH. They get signed by a management company in NY, and from there it's all about the ups and downs of them making it in the biz. My description probably sound a bit blase, but it was not bad at all. Plus they are really talented, and have a good sound. I might even check for them when their album drops in Neverary!

On Fire

I just ate a whole 99 cent bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos, and to most this would seem like nothing blog worthy....but to those that know me, and know I dont eat anything with a spice attached to it...well yeah there ya go.

My mouth is on fire....up in here....its burning hot....it's on fire! Whoooooo! I kinda had the munchies while finishing up my overnight shift at the hotel. Plus I was getting tired. I saw someone had abandoned the bag of Flamin Hots, and I thought the spice would be the perk that I need to get me thru the shift. Well perk me up it did. Goddamn my mouth is burning. How do you people do this shit with any regularity?

India Arie

Anybody seen her new video from the "Diary Of A Mad Black Woman" soundtrack? It's called "Purify Me". Great song, typical India. Great video but.........my question is....where the hell did she get all that hair from?

Last time I saw her she had less hair that me. Now she has a head full of micro braids I guess they are called? Like I've never claimed to know all there is to know about hair growing techniques.....but Im pretty fucking sure something is amiss here.

I honestly thought they had shot the video like during her second album or something and just had it in the vaults and decided to use it for this project maybe. Im totally baffled. Really I am, but I digress.

Something I got from the 'net

TEN random thoughts:
10. I need a bigger place
9. Squash is not to be consumed...at least it shouldnt be
8. Jay Z is my favorite rapper
7. Where is Dwayne from 'What's Happening?'
6. More books please!
5. Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4!
4. Frankenberry Cereal
3. My feet are pretty fucking big
2. There has to be a better way
1. More money would be nice

NINE cities I've been beside my hometown:
9. Miami
8. Dallas
7. Reno
6. Los Angeles
5. Milwaukee
4. Detroit
3. Atlantic City
2. New York
1. Atlanta

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
8. Travels to places across the Atlantic
7. Build my dream home
6. Publish a book
5. Cure a disease
4. Own a TV station
3. Meet T-Boz
2. Star in a movie
1. Touch as many as possible...in a good way of course

SEVEN ways to win my heart:
7. Be patient and understanding w/ me
6. Be artsy
5. Fuck my brains out
4. Be as sweet as pecan pie w/ extra syrup
3. Love music like I do
2. Inspire me
1. Be adventurous! Do crazy shit with me.

SIX things I believe in:
6. God being a woman
5. Love
4. Trying til exhausted, catching your breath, and trying some more
3. Listening
2. Hard Work
1. Me

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
5. Seeing the people I love hurt
4. Drunken white people
3. Sober white people
2. Not having enough time
1. Rejection and Failure

FOUR of my favorite items in my bedroom:
4. Bed
3. Clothes
2. CD's
1. Radio

THREE things I do everyday:
3. Pray
2. Sleep
1. Eat

TWO things I am trying NOT to do right now:
2. Go crazy
1. Spend money I dont have

ONE person I want to see right now:
1. Take one educated guess!

Exactly What I Dont Need To Hear

Whitney is collaborating with Lil Jon for a track or two for her new album.
And well.......I just think that is very unneccesary.

Funny thing is......I promise you if that shit is hot, Imma probably be bumping it. LOL.

Various

* I just accidentally deleted my last blog about the crazy dream while trying to edit it. One wrong click and va-vooooosh! Oh well...if u didnt read it, ask me about it.

*I hung out with a very good female friend today. We talked about our relationships and various other things. Among those things we talked about the fundamental differences 'tween men and women. I swear to you...the older we all get........some of these differences are just never gonna change. They been going on before we were, and they'll be here long after we're all gone. We had just better get used to them and move on. Really. That's all to it. Acknowledge it, and keep it moving. Make the best of it. For real.

* I almost got hit by a car today. Not fun at all.

* I cheated on my NWOP diet. I had some fries. I also had some veggie burger for the first time ever. I'll have to try those more often.

* It's getting harder and harder to stay motivated to consistently workout. I've been thinking of plastering pictures of Usher and LL Cool J around the house, but then again that idea strikes me as sorta gay.

It is 2005, right?

As cut and pasted from yahoo.com.......

"W.Va. Makes English Its Official Language "

By ERIK SCHELZIG, Associated Press Writer

CHARLESTON, W.Va. - Two days after the end of the legislative session, state lawmakers are discovering something few were aware of: They voted to make English the official language of West Virginia.

The language amendment was quietly inserted into a bill addressing the number of members that cities can appoint to boards of parks and recreation. Among mundane details about record-keeping, the amendment adds the provision that "English shall be the official language of the State of West Virginia."

And so Im just wondering what the hell the official language was prior to this change.

Today Was A Good Day

And it wasnt b/c nobody didnt get killed in South Central LA. Well I hope no one did...but that still aint why it was a good day.

I hung out with 2 set of friends from outta town. 1 set happens to be a married couple I've known for years. I loved being around married people seeing how they interact, how they give and take, and how they put up with each other's shit.

I found out that I am in the current issue of 'The Ave.' magazine! GO COP THAT! Available at Borders and other fine bookstores.

And I came to work and got tipped a total of $60!!!!!!

Wouldnt you call that a good day?

As stated by Teddy P

"You cant hide from yourself. Everywhere you go......there you are!"

And I just happen to think that that is one of the truest shits every uttered in the history of the world. And so I decided to share. Think on it now......

Just A Note On Common Sense

A thought just occurred to me.

It seems to me that if I had a lot less common sense than I do, I'd be able to relate to the majority of people easier. And I wouldnt walk away from conversations calling them fucking idiots!

Is It Crazy.....

....that it's 5:47am as I begin to type this, and I just finished assembling a CD rack?

If you know ANYTHING about me....you know I'm a CD freak. Everybody has their something, and mines is collecting CD's/ Let's just say I got a lot. And let's make it clear that I need a better storage method than the cardboard box method I've been working with. Got paid today, didnt lose my mind and buy shit like Im always tempted to do on payday. However I did see this rack that holds 350 CD's for $20! COPPED!

All the while at work, Im thinking on how Imma throw it together and alleviate some of the congestion caused by the CD boxes in my place. So I got in from work around mid-night. Think I went straight to it? Nope! I watched a lil tv, got on the computer, then watched some more tv. So around 4-ish or so Im thinking...I should be going to bed now. But it's never that easy. I somehow get caught up watching an old re-run of 'Cosby' that I already saw. So now it's 4:30-ish and I get to eyeing the box. Long story short I said 'Fuck It'. I dont have to work til 2:30pm so why the fuck not. Took me a lil less than hour.....and now Im going to bed. Holla!

Today......

......maybe Im just on my period as my mama would say whenever I got in one of my moods. And Im not even really in a mood...as much as I dont really feel like being bothered with people. And when you work at the front desk of a hotel.....well it's kinda hard to avoid people, ya know?

However, be that as it may...Im still on some Michael Jackson leave me alone, you dont fuck with me I wont fuck with you there aint much more for us to talk about, fuck the world dont ask me for shit, get outta my face trick, dame espacio, back up gimme space, I said 3 feet nigga! - shit.

Bougie Candy and The Ant

So about 43 seconds ago...one of the snooty ladies from the sales office just came and offered me some bougie ass candy from Italy. I guess the fact that it's from Italy was supposed to make me jump, but I think not. If she had a clue as to how picky I am about what I eat she might've thought twice. But anyways...she comes and offers it to me, and then begins to tell me that she doesnt want it b/c she'll eat the whole thing. So she hands it to me and tells me to try it. Im looking at the box. Its some sorta hard hazelnut nougat. WTF? Anyways she opens up the wrapper to show it to me......AND THERE'S A FUCKING ANT CRAWLING ON IT.

So at this point Im like 'Well Lavi you almost sold me on it (lying my ass off), but this ant seems to like it even more". Swear to God homegirl jumped back like I said it was a snake on it. She starts like wiping herself all frantically and what not. "Yo chill, it's only an ant". So you would think it's over, but it isnt,

The concierge, who's mos def a space cadet, walks over and goes 'oooh candy, can I try?" I'm like "...but there's an ant on it, see?". And I show her the ant crawling all over it. So you know she said she didnt care and swiped the shit out my hand, right?

Alls I know is I aint kissed nothing up to God in a minute. And even when I did....please believe it damn sure wasnt anything that I witnessed another life form crawling all over. Ewwwwwwwwwww

Confessions....

I did it. I admit it. And I cant promise I wont do it again.

I had some french fries earlier today. Curly fries to be exact. I cant even blame Dave for suggesting we go to Hooters after getting fitted for the tuxedo's.

Speaking of which...can I just say that it makes u feel pretty weird when being measured by the tuxedo guy, he has to measure the length of your shoulder to your wrist 3 times b/c he cant believe he's doing it right b/c your arms are that fucking long!!!!! I swear on something scared the 2nd time money said 'Nah...that cant be right!", and then measured a 3rd time. WTF?

Anyways....yeah I had some fries. And Imma prolly do it again. PLUS.....Since Im at work and barely able to keep my eyes open....Im finna go get a pop. Yeah I said pop. Not soda. Pop nigga! P.O.P.! Southside Chi-town, nigga what? Nigga who? Wzup Joe?

Thankfully

Even though at times Im knee and sometimes waist deep in the bullshit....THANKFULLY I still see and have the bigger picture in mind. And with any luck, I'll be able to steer myself and those closest to me in the right direction.

Rainy White People

Shiiiiiiit! Im at work. Doing the overnight shift this Friday Night/Saturday Morning...and people, to be more exact... white people keep coming in. As I type this...this one group of 6 middle aged white people have apparently coming in from some show and are standing RIGHT IN FRONT of the front desk discussing how great the show was.

Well that's all fine and dandy, BUT....if you are a person of color...or hell just NOT a white person...you know they have a unique stench when they get rained on. It's a sorta like a mix of a wet dog and my smell gym shoes. Alls I know is it damn sure aint a pleasant aroma. And I dont mean to offend anyone who may happen to be white. Hell yall might not even know. Black people might have a certain smell when we come out the rain too, but since Im black I probably wouldnt notice. But my sometimey ass sense of smell can pick up the a wet white person a mile away. Shit is not cute, son. Not cute at all.

I Thought It Ironic

I wanted to blog this earlier but in light of other developments I decided not to...but shit it's my blog dammit. I can post what the fuck I want, right?

Anyways this shit tickled the hell outta me today. I was in my apt. getting ready for work. My CD player was on the coffee table. I reached for it and the cord was wrapped around a picture of KK and I. I accidentally knocked over the picture while getting the cd player. As I picked the picture up I said out loud..."And why do I still have this out?"......and no sooner than I finished announciating the final word....mu'fuckin "We Cant Be Friends" by Deborah Cox and RL from Next came on. Man....I damn near fell on the floor laughing. Like "Shit nigga! There go your answer right there."

Well anyways I thought it was ironic.....

Random Stuff

My supervisor at work keeps reminding me of how much my feet stink. I wear my old comfortable gym shoes in to work and then change into my hardbottoms in the back office right before I walk on to the floor. Yup they sure do smell. I been with these feet some 27 years.....I've caught a whiff or 2 of them over that time. They aint nothing nice at times too. I know it.....and I dont care.

Less than a week into my new workout plan and I've already fell off the wagon.....well sorta. The first phase of the plan was to workout in the gym in my building 5 days per week. Here it is Thursday and I only been down there twice.......on Monday and Tuesday. I just couldnt do it on Wednesday. EVERYTHING was sore. I barely made it in to work that day. Today......I did half the workout. Normally I'll go to the gym, then come back to my apt. and do my ab workout. Well today I did push myself enough to do the ab workout at least.

I've stuck pretty well to the dietary phase of my NWOP. It's still a daily struggle to not eat french fries though. Oh and I did just have a pop about 20 minutes ago. But that's it I swear!

Oh and as if I needed ANOTHER reason to see the doctor....I'm pretty sure I pulled something in my left elbow. It is soooooooo stiff it's not even funny. Grrrrrrr.................

Running From This Song

I swear....man I was going good. For like 10 days I just knew I was 'over' it. 'Over' her. Now Im not so sure. Maybe I am. Maybe Im not. Maybe I was just having a good streak.

For the last few days no matter what I do I keeping running into this song. It's Lalah Hathaway's cover of Luther's "Forever, For Always, For Love". I mean damn near everywhere I go that song is there to meet and greet me. I hear it on the digital music channel at home. I hear it on the radio when I listen. I hear it at work on the satelite station. And I hear it in my head. Aside from her just putting her drawers in it.....b/c she sho nuff made it all her own, of course the lyrics resonate with me something serious. Check them out.....

I sing this song to remind myself
There was a time when I didn't have no one
Didn't have no love

Do you remember
The love that we once had
Well if I had the chance to love you again
I would Make your heart forget
I was ever there, oh no
If we forget the past I know this time love will last

Forever, For Always, For Love, Yeah

I'm not coming home anymore
Does it matter?
Well if I had the chance to hold you again
I would fill your heart with joy
Make you remember
I'm the only one for you, yes I would
Let's throw the bad memories out
And make this the first day of our

Forever, For Always, For Love

I'd be a Fool...To...Ever...Change
If she says she Loves...The...Way...I...Am
I'd be a Fool...To...Ever...Change
If She Says she Loves...The...Way...I...Am

It's gonna be
Starting Here, Starting Now, yeah yeah yeah
Forever, For Always, For Love.....

Love Language by Talib Kweli

Damn! Im back on some love shit it seems. But dammit when you sit back and think about it...Love is strange. Mystifying even. There are a million songs that speak about love. This one is of my faves by one of favorite MC's. Check out the some of the lyrics yall....peep the chorus!

Love is blind, you just see bright light
You up in the club feelin' the night life, lookin' for the right type
You know the plan you had to conquer the world
Thinking you Scarface, looking for that perfect girl And now you found her
Started with romantic, then got to frantic
Then things thats normally small become gigantic
Now y'all sinkin like the Titanic here come the panic
Bein with you is like a habit without you I can't stand it
It's tragic when you wonder when you lost that magic
Without understanding that you never had it try to grab it
In the bed gettin a nut off, communication cut off
Getting mad cause you turned on wondering where she shut off
Constantly comparing you to someone in my past
We don't smile anymore, and we argue over cash
Advance to that physical shit See what happens if you keep talkin
See what happens if you lay a finger on me motherf...
Yo, see what I'm sayin' It's like one big mind game that everybody playin
(Men) say (Women) is trife, (Women) say (Men) is
We just don't understand our fundamental differences I'm still learning though, actually
I just do what come naturally, naturally, naturally

(Chorus)
L'amour n'a pas de, frontiere (Love has no boundaries)
Restes car je t'aime comme tu es (Stay because I love you as you are)
J'ai traverse l'ocean du verbe (I crossed an ocean of words)
Et je t'ai trouve (And I found you)

Women thrive on emotions, men refuse to acknowledge
So when we arguin nobody win
Words get in the way time and again
Sticks and stones break your bones words break your heart
Whether you in touch with that part or not say "word"
Words are weapons for the revolutionary
Used for evil make the situation very scary
Word up, but love is brave It flies in the face of fear
Yo, wherever you want to go love'll take you there

LOL I'm Soooo Amp-ed Now.

FYI....after the last post Im really tempted to rant and rave about how you shouldnt bet against The Teej, but I'll spare you all.

Thank me later.

A Woman's Security (The 2nd longest?....well maybe not)

*Exhale*
*Huge Sigh*

So I just had a rather interesting conversation with the former Misses. I think it was maybe a couple of weeks ago I think I had asked her what would it take to get back together. And if Im not mistaken her reply was something to the effect of 'A salaried job!' And then I remember asking "So all I need is a salary based job and we're good to go?' And again if I remember...I got something of an affirmative confirmation.

And so that brings me to the point of this particular blog entry. I do understand that a woman needs security. Like it's good for her to know that her man is about something and can provide for her if need be. But lemme tell you...sista is dope! Got her own business and all...damn sure dont need me to provide for her. But I do understand it's nice to have that assurance. Maybe it's an inherant (sp?) trait in most women. Whatever the case I totally understand it.

My particular conflict in this though....as pertaining to her and I. She's already told me that she KNOWS (ya hear me? KNOWS) that I will be a great father and husband. I take that to mean that she knows that I will do whatever legally (and hell illegally if need be) to provide for my family. So with that said....if I happen to get a salaried gig in let's say, oh the next 6-9 months, then what? We're ret ta go again?

I feel like I'd possibly have some sorta resentment on some 'oh.....you got the vapors now?' shit. Can u feel me? The ironic part is...when me and KK first got together....I was soooooo ASS OUT. No car, no job, living with my mama.....I mean completely ass out. I still had my TV show then, but money from that is so slow and far between. She HELD ME DOWN then, hear me? Anyways I mean she saw SOMETHING in me then. In addition to the trust issues and a couple of other misc. things which caused us to break up...it seems she gave up or stopped believing in me. She felt that I was no longer motivated to do better and advance in my career and my life in general. I mean who wants to be with a deadbeat ass nigga thats satisfied with a mediocre job that barely pays you enough to get by? But ummmm excuse me, love. THAT AINT ME! Never been me. Sorry you got it a bit twisted and misunderstood, but that just aint me. Dude is so focused right now. I guess you'll soon see.

I cant predict the future. Maybe we will get it back, maybe we wont. But I'd sure hate for the reason of us not getting back to be that you didnt / or you stopped believing in me. It's the TEEJ, son. How can you bet against him? Especially if your love never waivered. But you did say love was not enough, right?

See...that sounds like bitterness already, huh?

Gracias to mi Madres

What the hell is the spanish word for 'to'? Why cant I think of it?

Anyways I just wanna send a quick shout out to my Granny for hooking me up with the 20 year old microwave that miraciously STILL works. I gotta admit that I was skeptical when she suggested that I take it for my place. I can still remember heating up cookies and stuff in it when I was like 7. Now Im 27 and I have it in my crib. Boy I tell you about technology. To think that that thing had been sitting in her basement unplugged for like the last 10 years and it still works. I fucks with GE yo. They bring good things to life still. LOL.

And also I wanna thank my mama for sending me some Easter dinner in tupperware via my brother while I was at the gig! I knew she was sending me food that she had cooked for Easter. But I assumed I was gonna get the customary black folks 'plate'. But homegirl sent me tupperware yo! I had a cornish hen, wild rice, mac and cheese, greens, cinnamon rolls, AND banana pudding! I didnt get to eat it while at work so I took it home for today. I'll say this much....I think I just came! Got wet, did something!

Shit was THAT good. Now I just gotta clean up my kitchen. Tupperware everywhere!

My New Work Out Plan

It started a couple weeks ago when a co-worker asked if Cheeseburgers were my favorite meal. I hadnt really noticed until then, but I have been eating alot of junk as of late. Not b/c I dont like non-junk, but junk is so much easier. Anyways no more of that! I'm focused on getting my 6 pack back. Dont get me wrong.....by no means is anyone mistaking me for being pregnant. I can still see my man down there if ya know what I mean. But I do have a pudge that Im not comfortable with. And shit...Jamaica is coming up in about 8 weeks. Cant go down there like this here. And so outta that necessity I created My New Work Out Plan today.

Basically it goes like this....No fried foods!!! Can u believe my black ass is swearing off fried foods. Im gonna try to go w/o them til I get back from Jamaica. No french fries or nothing! Can you bake or broil french fries? Also Im only eating chicken, turkey and fish for the next 2 months. Yup! I had to call my mama and ask her how to cook chicken other than frying it. Like I know the methods of baking and broiling, but I dont know if I know how to actually bake or broil, feel me? And I swear this is what mama's is for. She mentioned The Foreman Grill!!! Hell yeah, I usta Foreman Grill my ass off! I dunno how I forgot it. I will mos def be copping one in the next day or two.

And the 2nd installment in my NWOP is.....working out up to 5 days per week now. I was getting results from when I was doing 3 days. People were noticing I was getting bigger, thicker and gaining muscle w/o me even having to get naked!!!! So I know if I up it to 5 days faithfully by Jamaica time Imma be on to something. I just gotta stay on the wagon. I keep falling off the workout wagon. Stay on the wagon. Stay on the wagon. Stay on the wagon Teej..........

I'm Okay Now

Hey there to all 3 of my regular blog readers. LOL. Im off my soapbox. Im cool. I still have my jones for her, but like I said I have my good and bad days. That particular day it was just on my mind heavy, and so I just felt like getting it all out. I probably wont do that again til May sometime. Yeah...right after Dave and Jamilia's wedding. LOL. Anyways....I have a busy few days ahead so Im sure to keep myself occupied. And occupied time is good time. Its the damn idle time that gets at ya!

Pardon Me (The Longest Blog I Ever Wrote)

I feel it's fair to give you, the unsuspecting reader, a fair warning off top. This is another one of those 'I miss my baby' blogs.

For those of you who for some reason wanna read my babble...cant say I didnt warn ya.

I feel like I do okay since the break up. I have my good days and bad days like most I suppose. I want so bad to be friends with KK even if we arent 'together'. She knows Im not over her yet, so she's hesitant. And there is about 8% of me that understands. But the other 92% is going crazy. No Im not over her. And no I dont wanna be. Not yet anyways.

The other day my friend Tiffani was at my place. She asked why I still had KK's pics displayed on my coffee table. I couldnt even answer. All I could say with geniune unawareness was 'I dont know'. Yes it's over, but I dont wanna put her pictures up. Is that dumb? I know it doesnt help to speed up the 'getting over' process. But again.....I dont wanna get over it. Not yet. I honestly am still hoping that I'll get the 'Im sorry. I love you. I cant live w/o you' call. I know I wont. I know her. She's a strong willed stubborn something or the other. Even if she felt that way she wouldnt make that call.

So what do I do? Part of me is saying 'Live ya life my nigga!' But a bigger part is just not ready to make that step. And the funny thing is.....If I really wanted to get over this...in my heart of hearts....I can. I know exactly how to do it. So why dont I you ask? Well b/c Im pretty fucking stubborn my damn self. And there isnt a breathing soul that can tell me that this is hopeless. If you knew how hard I clasped my hands together, and how tight I close my eyes when I pray that she and I find our way back together you'd probably laugh. You'd laugh, but I promise it isnt funny.

(BTW.....Am I going in circles here? Is there a point? I dunno...but I AM getting shit off my chest)

Earlier today as I was getting ready for work I was watching VH1. The show 'Bands Reunited' was on. They were trying to reunite the 80's group Klymaxx. One of Klymaxx's most popular songs is the the sappy balllad 'I Miss You'. Can you guess what it's about? LOL. As the guy was interviewing the lady who wrote it he asked her what prompted her to write it. Her response was "What do you think? I had just broken up with someone. It kinda wrote itself. I just channeled it." And man.....for anyone that has ever broken up and was hoping to get back together.....WHEW!!!!! Funny thing is....I've loved this song since I was a little kid. It literally came out 20 years ago. I've always liked sappy ballads. Its just now I really relate to the fuckers. Anyways....check out the lyrics....

VERSE ONE
Thought I heard your voice yesterday
Then I turned around to say
that I loved you
then I realized that it was just my mind
playing tricks on me....
It seems colder lately at night
and I try to sleep with the lights on
Everytime the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe (just can't believe)
That we're through...

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
Theres no other way to say it
And I, And I can't deny it.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me........

VERSE TWO
Is it done and over this time?
Have we really change our minds?
But it's our first love...
all the feelings that we used to share...
I refuse to believe that you don't care.

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I've got to gather my senses together (Gather)
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now (over now)
be strong (be strong)
I can't believe that you're gone...I've got to carry on.

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's driving me crazy
I don't want to live without you.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to seeI miss you and me............

Man did you read that shit? I should cut and paste that again! That' s some heavy shit right there! Its amazing how songs can touch you and speak to and for you like that. Thats one of the reasons I am going to write songs soon. Plus you know the money is bookoo if you get ur shit published, but thats another story.

It's actually a million 'I love you, I want you back, I cant believe we arent together' songs. This one is just in my head today. But the message of it is so on point.

I was on the phone with a friend last night and she was reading some astrological stuff about the Scorpio. And as you know Im a mighty mighty Scorpio. Definitely one of the more dominant signs in the zodiac. But as she read....I couldnt help but to think that THIS is the reason why I cant get over KK. Getting over lost love is just not some shit we are known for. Check out these quotes on Scorpio's....

"Only one thing hurt's scorpio is their tendency to be emotional. However, being extremely intuitive, it helps them deal with this, and even gives them a physic edge in some situation. They live hard and love hard, and give their hearts fully and unconditionally."

"Scorpio is intense, strong-willed, passionate and filled with desire. They are clever, perceptive and almost psychic in their intuitiveness. Consistent with their Fixed energy, Scorpios are stubborn and determined. "

"Even when (Scorpio's) appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions."

So apparently I wont be getting over this anytime soon. It appears to not be in my nature. Shit is like tortue yo. If I could easily just be done with it on some ol 'cest la vie' shit, I'd be soooo much better off. But that's just not in me. So what do I do? I wait it out I guess. I havent really had many girlfriends. The last 'girlfriend' was Iyonda when I was 20. LOL. I will never forget that. When we broke up it was at the start of a 3 day weekend. I promise you I stayed in my room the entire weekend. I only left to use the washroom which was a couple steps away. As many times as I wanted to just not go anywhere and sulk with this breakup I just cant. Stakes is higher. There's rent to be paid, ya know? I remember I felt better after I made the breakup tape. I actually still have it. I listened to it once when I was feeling down recently. It made me feel a little better, but Im gonna have to update it.

And so this is my sad existence. Its really not as bad as I think this makes it sound. I find myself trying to do alot more with friends now. I hate being in my house alone. Too much time to think. If I have to be home....I try to stay on the internet and phone or something. I just dont like sitting there. But her picture is sitting on my coffee table so WTF? There is something in every room to remind me of her.

Alright Im sure Im blabbering now. I think Im done. Thanks for reading if you did.

Say It Aint So Kimmie!

"When I testified in court /couldnt think straight thinkin' bout the bitches I fought/over you..." - Lil Kim from the song "Another" by Notorious B.I.G. f/ Lil Kim

"Under pressure/I lie for ya/die for ya/Luger by the thigh for ya/right hand high for ya..." - Lil Kim from the song "I Can Love You" by Mary J. Blige f/ Lil Kim

Lil Kim is going to jail. Hopefully not for long, but she's going. All on some code of the streets shit. She was loyal to dudes obviously not as loyal for her. Alot of people talk that 'Imma ride for my people' shit...but she really did it. And it got her facing 20 years right now.

C'mon Kimmie! If you gon lie to a federal grand jury....dont make it such a bad one. They showed you pictures of dudes you've known for well over 10 years, and you said you didnt know them. There are videos, pictures, album credits, etc where you acknowledged these guys. Why didnt you just say "I heard gunfire. I got down. And I didnt get up til I didnt hear no mo shots. I dunno who the hell was shooting!" Now THAT shit is believable yo!

Lil Cease and Banger (who she was in Junior Mafia with) got called in to testify and were put in a very difficult position. Either lie and say they dont know if Kim knew these dudes and face perjury charges themselves when the lie is found out, or tell the truth and basically leave Kim ass out. And since Kim had kinda distanced herself from all of them, and there is some hostile feelings there....well their choice wasnt as hard no more, huh? Now they kinda look like snitches in the street.

Pretty fucked up, right? Hopefully her and Hilary (her assistant also convicted) will get the Martha Stewart treatment. Guess we'll wait and see what the judge or jury hands down during sentencing on June 24th.

WTF?

Cashier Girl at Wendy's : (Upon me placing an order) You're face is getting fat. You need to stop coming in here.

Me : (Mouth wide open...totally speechless)

I Shoulda Got His Ass!

Man.....I just had the chance to come up on a sweet ass lick! This guy just came in the hotel off the street and asked me to change a $20 bill. No biggie, right? But w/o even looking...the fucker hands me a fuckin' $50!!!!!

My dumb ass w/o even thinking says "Oh sir, you handed me a 50." Then he puts on his glasses and says "You know I can barely see without these things?" Well duh nigga! Duh! WTF? I think I been working in this ritsy ditsy ass place waaaaay too long. I musta left my southside of Chicago instincts at the crib. Either that or I was too tired to think straight. $30....gone. On some honesty shit. He wouldnt have even noticed til he got back to Barrington (affluent, mostly white suburb) or wherever the fuck he's from. Oh well I suppose the morality God's will look down upon me favorably for this. Hell, I might even get a good deed like this done for me one of these days. But shit......I need some immediate gratfication out this summa bitch.

My mama would be so mad at me right now...........

What Catches Your Heart?

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few that will catch your heart....Pursue those to the ends of the earth!" - Unknown

Hello! Can I get an 'amen' from the congregation?

Fucking Tuna!

Tuna gives me heartburn! I just figured it out. I had the tuna I made last night for the second night in a row and for the second night in a row I have heartburn. This getting older shit is no joke, dunny! But as broke as I am, I cant afford to waste food. So you know Im gon eat that ol heartburn giving ass tuna til it aint no mo, right?

To KK............

I was thinking on how freaky it was that we both bought the same green Brooklyn B-Ball Tee at totally separate times w/o the others knowledge.

Remember when you told me you asked for and got a sign from God, in fact you said you got 2 if I recall correctly, as to whether or not we belong together. What happened to those signs? You still haven’t told me what they were. Will ya ever?

Do you think of me when you put milk in your coffee or tea and it turns a beige color similar to my complexion? Betcha will now. *wink* Betcha’ll smile when it happens because I said you would. *smile*

Why dont you meet me over my place. I'll be all sweaty (just like I know you like) from working out. I'll make sure to have the 'Ideal' CD already in the player. We'll see what happens from there..............

What do you say?

Me

I AM.....not of this earth it seems
I WILL ALWAYS.....love my mama
I MISS.....too many to name
I HEAR.....voices in my head frequently
I CRAVE.....junk food
I WORRY.....about my loved ones
I REGRET.....not applying myself in school
I LOVE......life
I SING.....horribly, yet proudly
I LOST......my mind a long time ago
I LIKE.....to walk around my place ass naked, joint swanging!
I DONT LIKE.....rules
I AM LISTENING TO.....Rufus/Chaka Khan
I CAN BE.....anything i fucking wanna
I NEED......KK
I KNOW THAT.....I didnt do as well by her as I could
I HOPE......she gives me 1 more shot to prove myself to her
I WANT.....nothing more than to be wealthy enough for me and my fam to live comfortably
I WISH.....I had had a better relationship w/ my pops
I CRY.....rarely
I FEEL.....different ways at different times
I BELIEVE.....in miracles
I AM PROUD.....of my peoples when they accomplish shit
I THINK.....Im a pretty fucking terrific guy

Eye Swear!

So I come to discover today that the sty that was on my inner eye-lid has turned into a cyst! (EXHALES........SLOWLY........DEEPLY.........LOUDLY)

When I read up on the eye sty thing last weekend, it did mention that these type of sty's can turn into a cyst. It wont blur my vision or make me blind. It'll just be a little tiny knot on my eye. Yaaaaay!

Its been there all week, but I finally noticed it today when I got a good look at my face in the mirror this afternoon. So if you are keeping score out there, that's 2 definite cyst's, 1 probable and 1 possible. I've had this one in my left wrist since high school. Had it drained thrice times, and it keeps coming back like The O'Jay's. Last time the doc drained it, he said if it came back it'll have to be surgically removed. Well it's been back.....I just aint been back....to the doctor since. Then there's the probable one in my right foot. Im pretty sure thats what it is. And then there's the lump in my back. I know it sounds icky, but it's not really noticeable unless I have my shirt off. The doc told me that it was a 'tissue growth'......whatever that means. I personally think that lump in my back is the piece of my knee bone I chipped in 5th grade. I think it made its way through my body and planted itself in my back. I'll let you know how that hypothesis turns out when I know for sure.

But back to my eye......U know of all the things I planned to get done in '05......eye surgery was mysteriously not on my list! Gotta research it more, but I swear thats the only way those sites said a eye cyst could be removed.

Dignity & Love

" Dignity and love do not blend well, nor do they continue long together."
- Ovid

And with that said....GODDAMN I want my baby back. Im not ashamed to say it.

America's Next Top Model (Mary & Tiffany)

So maybe it's the gay in me.....I dont care. But since I am home on this Thursday night and I saw the 4th season premiere of America's Next Top Model was coming on I decided to tune it. I aint gon even front like I wasnt all up in it last season.



So I turn it on and I immediately see 2 familiar faces. First I see Tiffany. She was the tough girl from Miami that got in the bar fight the first night, remember? She's back! She says them anger management classes did her some good. And then there was Mary! Mary was the other 'plus size model' battling with Tocarra last season for 'the big girl spot'. The funny thing is to me (and probably every other black person) is neither of them sisters are big. They are thick, but I guess in model terms they are 'plus size'. Whatever! Anyways Mary is back yall! She is the cutest thing to me!

But how is this for fucked up? I decided to go on UPN's site while they are still introducing the field of like 35 girls. Why when I get there it's only 14 girls on the site?!!?!? And my Mary aint one! Im heartbroken. So among the finalists I got my money on either Naima, Brittany or Lluvy. Stay tuned...

What choo know bout dis here?

Thank you for being a friend.
Travel down the road and back again.
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.
And if you threw a party,
and invited everyone you knew.
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
and the card attached would say,
thank you for being a friend.

Mama Dont Always Know Best

So again...this damn sty on my eye. Did u know that most black people call it a 'star' and not a sty? Yup a little FYI for your ass. It wasnt until my boss at work got one that I heard it referred to as a sty. But thats besides the point.

So I called my mom to ask what to do about this thing. She told me and I quote "Get a cold compress on it, and then take a q-tip and put warm water on it and put it on the sty." I dont think she understood that I have a internal sty that is actually UNDER my eyelid, and not an exernal one which is traditionally on the corner of your eye.

Anyways I go and get a face towel, put an ice cube in it and put it on my eye for about an hour off and on. That was 7pm-8pm. Maaaaaaaan I get to work at like 10:30pm or so and look in the mirror. Why the fuck do I look like Mitch 'Blood' Green after he had that famous Brooklyn street brawl with a young Mike Tyson in the late 80's. Anyone remember that? LOL

Not a good look!

I ended up doing a sty search on google, and I got some good info on how to get rid of it. In actuality it's WARM compresses for 10-15 minutes four times daily. I love my mama...but even they be wrong too.

Some Quotes I Came Across

Very interesting I said.....what do you think?

"Life is a journey. Death is returning home."- Old Chinese Proverb

"God created spirituality. Lucifer made it a point to organize it, calling it religion......from the latin word 'religio', which means to seperate and divide." - Unknown

I Find It Funny

I woke up today with my right eye half closed b/c of a sty thats been forming for the last week. While I didnt really panic....I was a little unsure as to what to do. So I called my mom, and then KK. I just found it a little funny and even cute that I called KK like second nature. I know it's been damn near 4 months since we broke up, but that shit just came natural for me to call her. And the funny thing is.....I dont think that will change for a long time.

5 Things

These are all subject to change at any moment....but as of the moment I type these things, they are what they are. In no particular order......

Top 5 Soul/R&B Albums

1. Michael Jackson - Thriller
2. Jill Scott - Who Is Jill Scott? Words & Sounds Vol. 1
3. New Edition - NE Heartbreak
4. Mary J. Blige - My Life
5. Marvin Gaye - What's Going On?

Top 5 HipHop/Rap Albums

1. N.W.A - Straight Outta Compton
2. Jay-Z - Blueprint
3. Run DMC - Raising Hell
4. LL Cool J - Radio
5. The Fugees - The Score

Top 5 Random Songs

1. Jennifer Holiday - And I Am Telling You
2. Amel Larrieux - Even If
3. MC Lyte - Cha Cha Cha
4. Bob Marley - No Woman No Cry
5. Eminem - Til I Collapse

Top 5 Books

1. Zora Neale Hurston - Their Eyes Were Watching God
2. Michael Moore - Stupid White Men
3. Nikki Giovanni - Selected Poems
4. Laini Mataka -Bein A Strong Black Woman Can Get U Killed
5. Various -Chicken Soup For The Soul

Top 5 TV

1. Martin
2. Chappelle's Show
3. Mad About You
4. The Practice
5. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Top 5 Movies

1. Love Jones
2. Boomerang
3. The Fugitive
4. Bad Boys
5. Carmen Jones

White House Mafia Gang! (Dip, Dip Set!)

Look out when this one drops. I hear it's gonna really start some shit!

Mr Piggy!

I feel like such a pig. I just ate a whole jar of applesauce between commercial breaks for a show I was just watching on tv. A whole jar! 23oz! 1lb, 7oz. yo! Glad I aint trying to lose no weight out this mug.

Abstience = The Answer?

I saw a news report on how the federal government is pretty much only funding Sex Ed. programs that teach abstience and only abstience. And basically I think that is pretty fucked up. In the news report they showed some high school classroom being taught abstience. The only thing was......a handful of the students already have kids! So what's the fucking point?

I think the Sex Ed. programs taught should focus on abstience and prevention and safe sex ya know? Cause anyone being honest with themselves knows that only a handful of students are truly gonna practice abstience. U remember how giddy you were in high schoo, dontcha?l Especially boys. It just doesnt make sense. Its just those old, outta touch fucks passing down and making their 1950 view of the world into laws that affect the current generations. Cant wait for most of them to just keel over and not get back up.

LOL. Was that mean?

I'm we todd ded (Get it?)

So I've been at my place for oh.....10 months or so? Why is it that today, and only today was the first time I stopped to think that I could actually wash and dry more than 1 load of clothes at the same time? When I stayed with my mom, there was one washer and dryer available. I guess I just got used to carrying, washing and drying only one load at a time.

It was today while pressed for time, that I thought "man if I could put a couple loads in at the same time, I'll be able to do what I gotta do." Then as I got off the elevator and walked into laundry room amogst the 15 or so washers and dryers I thought "Duh....you CAN put in more than load, damn idiot!"

Happy Valentine's Day To All!

I just refused to let this 'breakup' get in the way of gettting my baby something for V-Day. Yeah I felt a little weird about the whole situation. But I decided that I woulda felt bad had I not did something.

But in actuality.....I knew I was gonna do something for V-Day a couple months ago. That's when I started gathering CD's for a couple of compliations that I wanted to put together for her. She's loved every CD and tape I've ever made for her...with the exception of 'Hidden Beach Mix Vol. 2' *wink*, so I figured I couldnt go wrong with music. I decided to make some CD's that kinda spoke to how I feel. The songs will say the words and express the feelings a million times better than I ever will. So in addition to the music, I kept it pretty simple. Chocolate, Flowers and a card. Now I know it sounds soooo lame and predictable. But I know for a fact she genuinely loves all those things.

So anyways after I got off work at 7:30am....I took everything over. It felt a tad weird. That was my first time at her place in months. I was soooooooo tired, b/c I had been up all night at work, but I didnt wanna leave. I really really enjoyed just being in her presence.....even with the pregnant pauses in conversation. I wanted to take my work clothes off, leave them on her living room couch, and hop in her bed like I've done a million times before. I dunno....maybe in the future.

But that was my V-Day. Hope you had a happy one.

...Hits Home!

Talk about hilarious and sad at the same time. This Alan Keyes dude is something else! You all remember Mr.Keyes, dontcha? This is the ULTRA conservative homophobe from Maryland that the republicans of Illinois pulled outta their asses outta nowhere to run against Barack Obama for Senator. Of course Obama kicked his ass every kinda way in the election.

You may also remember Keyes blasting Vice Pres. Cheney about his gay daughter. Well what's that Malcolm said about chickens coming home to roost? In a odd and peculiar turn of events, Keyes' own daughter Maya has just come outta the closet. Yup! She's a lesbian. I swear when I heard the story on the news I immediately let out a HUGE laugh. You know this fucker has dis-owned, and kicked her out the house right? How sad is that?

Thievery!

Listen....I guess them Maroon 5 boys are pretty okay, but even THEY knew that Kanye was supposed to take the Grammy for Best New Artist! Did you seem how apprehensive and damn near apologetic homeboy was when they went up to accept the award. The first thing he did was thank Kanye for being 'so awesome' or some shit. That's some straight BS.

Kanye changed commercial hip-hop. Straight up! It's been many-a-moon since a hip-hop artist was able to gain popularity while rapping about something of substance. It wasnt until his 4th single, "New WorkOut Plan" that he went a decidedly silly and party route. The first single "Through The Wire" chronicled his life altering car accident and how he decided to record the song 2 weeks after with his mouth wired shut. The second single "All Falls Down" addressed the materialism that is running rampant in the younger...and hell older generations too. The third single "Jesus Walks"....well that is self explanatory. All Im gon say about that one is....when is the last time you saw or heard of a song talking about God get some spin up in the clubs?!?!?!?!

Listen to the lyrics.....

"....So here go my single dawg/radio needs this/They said you could rap about anything/ except for Jesus/That means guns, sex, lies, videotape/But if I talk about God/my record wont get played, huh?!?!?/Well if this take away from my (radio) spins/which will prolly take away my ends/Then I hope it take away from my sins/and bring the day that im dreamin bout/Next time Im in the club, everybody screaming out..."

And that was in the club yo! It was all over the radio! So instead of your 5 year old daughter/son/niece/newphew talking about "Skeet skeet skeet", finally it's something positive they can sing along with!

Check some of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs on 'The College Dropout' called 'We Dont Care'.....

"You know the kids gonna act a fool/When you stop the programs for after school/And they DCFS/ some of them dyslexic/They favorite 50 Cent song's 12 Questions/We scream, rock, blows, weed, park/ see now we smart/We aint retards the way teachers thought/Hold up hold fast/ we make mo'cash/Now tell my momma I belong in that slow class!/ It's bad enough we on welfare/You trying to put me on the school bus with the space for the wheelchair/Im trying to get the car with the chromy wheels here/You tryin to cut our lights out like we dont live here/Look at what's handed to us/Fathers abandoned us/When we get them hammers/ gon and call the ambulance/Sometimes I feel no one in this world understands us/But we dont care what people say..."

Fuck a Maroon 5. That's 'Ye West's award! Summabitches.

Believe In Miracles!

Brain-Damaged Woman Talks After 20 Years
Sat Feb 12,11:24 PM ET

U.S. National - AP
By ROXANA HEGEMAN, Associated Press Writer

HUTCHINSON, Kan. - For 20 years, Sarah Scantlin has been mostly oblivious to the world around her — the victim of a drunken driver who struck her down as she walked to her car. Today, after a remarkable recovery, she can talk again.

Sarah Scantlin was an 18-year-old college freshman on Sept. 22, 1984, when she was hit by a drunk driver as she walked to her car after celebrating with friends at a teen club. That week, she had been hired at an upscale clothing store and won a spot on the drill team at Hutchinson Community College.

After two decades of silence, she began talking last month. A week ago, her parents got a call from Jennifer Trammell, a licensed nurse at the Golden Plains Health Care Center. She asked Betsy Scantlin if she was sitting down, told her someone wanted to talk to her and switched the phone to speaker mode:
"Hi, Mom."
"Sarah, is that you?" her mother asked.
"Yes," came the throaty reply.
"How are you doing?"
"Fine."
"Do you need anything," her mother asked her later.
"More makeup."
"Did she just say more makeup?" the mother asked the nurse.

The driver who struck Scantlin served six months in jail for driving under the influence and leaving the scene of an accident.

Scantlin started talking in mid-January but asked staff members not to tell her parents until Valentine's Day to surprise them, Trammell said. But last week she could not wait any longer to talk to them.

Scantlin's doctor, Bradley Scheel, said physicians are not sure why she suddenly began talking but believe critical pathways in the brain may have regenerated.

On Saturday, her brother asked whether she knew what a CD was. Sarah said she did, and she knew it had music on it.

But when he asked her how old she was, Sarah guessed she was 22. When her brother gently told her she was 38 years old now, she just stared silently back at him. The nurses say she thinks it is still the 1980s.

Is she happy she can talk? "Yeah," she replied.

What does she tell her parents when they leave? "I love you," she said.

Is Ur Eye Blind Or Trained?

To the blind eye I may come off as obsessive at times.

But the trained eye can tell that Im just very passionate.

There is a very thin line that seperates the two.

Most times Im on the passionate side of the line.

And if ever I shall cross over to the obsessive side

It's only becuz my passion is driving me over there.

Dont worry though....I'll be back.......eventually.

A Prince Quote

"Would U run 2 me if somebody hurt U?.........Even if that somebody was me?"

This Lady

This lady just came in the hotel. She is a homeless woman. Now working overnight...I get my share of the down and out coming through here. But this lady seemed a bit different. Her demeanor was different. She asked if any coats or jackets had been left in our lost and found. She explained that she was homeless and that she was just trying to add some layers to what she had on. I told her that Lost & Found was closed. I gave her my t-shirt that I had in the back office. It was a Roca-wear shirt that I had bought maybe 5 years ago. It wasnt alot, but it was another layer. She gladly accepted it. I asked if there werent any shelters she could go to. She explained that it would be difficult at this time of night (1am). She asked if she could use the washroom. She didnt come back for awhile. I knew she was asleep. I didnt bother her. Normally I wouldnt have let it happen, but she was just so sweet and conversational. I figured I'd give her a little time. Anyways.....about a hour later she came back from the bathroom. She apologized for falling asleep. I assured her it was okay. She asked if I had any change for a cup of coffee. I gave her about a $1.75. She thanked me for everything again as she was leaving. All I could say was "Try to take it easy out there". :-(

I Figured It Out!

It occurred to me when you called to tell me that you do in fact miss me. See I called you first the other day to tell you that I miss you. And I asked if you missed me. And you kinda
non-chalantly played me off. But then...a day and a half later you call me to say that in fact you do miss me. Albeit you said "not enough to get back together".

So in thinking on it...... I know you miss my touch as much as I miss yours. You want me to wrap my arms around you like I used to as bad I want to. You wanna cuddle up in our special spoon where I cup your breast with my hand like we used to. You wanna just chill and eat Leona's (Buffalo Chicken Sandwich, right?) or Jimmy John's (#3Turkey Tom, no tomatoes, extra mayo, correct?) and just be. You and me. I know you want to. I can feel it. It starts as a dull pain in my right big toe. Then it works it way up my body, and just sits there. Right around my temple and continues to throb.

Oh yeah sista! I am no longer fooled, but at the same time I understand. I know you are afraid of extending yourself to me again. You feel you came up with the short end of the stick last time. So I can understand your hesitancy. But know that your icy cool demeanor aint fooling me no more. We're waaaaay too connected for that. I still know you. I still feel you....even after almost 3 months apart.

Ah Ha! ( 'Lovesickness' )

Yeah this could explain A L O T!........either that or I just need a fucking life!!!!

Lovesickness might be just that, experts warn
Sun Feb 6, 7:14 AM ET

Health - AFP
LONDON (AFP) - The concept of lovesickness might be more than just a flighty poetic notion, as it can burden the afflicted with genuine mental trauma, a British psychological study warned.


In the most serious cases the "disease" can prove fatal, the researchers said, calling for lovesickness to be taken more seriously by the medical profession.

For many centuries, the manias, depressions and obsessions associated with romantic love were considered a genuine state of mind rather than an affectation, clinical psychologist and author Dr Frank Tallis said.

However, in the past two centuries lovesickness had fallen out of favour as a proper diagnosis, Tallis said in a report for The Psychologist magazine, the official publication of the British Psychological Society.

In the modern era, while love was still associated with madness, this was only likely to be in the lyrics of a pop song, Tallis noted.

"The average clinical psychologist will not receive referral letters from GPs (general practitioners) and psychiatrists mentioning lovesickness," Tallis said.

"However, careful examination of the sanitised language will reveal that lovesickness may well be the underlying problem.

"Many people are referred for help who cannot cope with the intensity of love, have been destabilised by falling in love, or who suffer on account of their love being unrequited."
Symptoms can include mania, such as elevated moods and inflated self-esteem, depression, or obsessive compulsive disorder, such as repeatedly checking for e-mails.

The most serious cases could lead to suicide, the article said.

"Although there is much modern research into the treatment of relationship and psychosexual problems, there is little dealing with the specific problem of lovesickness," Tallis said.

"Perhaps now is the time for us to take it more seriously and take a lead from those ancient clinicians who diagnosed and treated it like any other complaint."

Blog Subjects

The fact is.....Im so fucking sick of blogging about me and KK. I mean...I love her, I know I fucked up, I want her back...yeah yeah yeah....but there HAS to be SOMETHING ELSE to blog about. Looking over the blog...it makes me look pretty fucking pathetic. I promise you anywhere from 85-90% of this blog has been about her since I started it in August 04. In comparision I'd say that maybe 60% of hers has had something to do with me. I dont even know where this particular blog is going. I just want/need to blog about something else. Shit this is turning into a rant huh?

But what else is there to blog about? Funny thing is....nothing is really moving me or striking me as blog-worthy but her. I guess that's b/c there is really nothing else on my mind. Stepping outside of myself I'd say that those facts are sweet and sad at the same time, huh?

Mary Said.....

"Take your time baby / dont you rush a thing / Dont you know I know / We all are struggling / I know it is hard / But we will get by / And if you dont believe in me / Just believe in 'Him' / Cause He'll give you piece of mind / (Yes He Would!) / And you will see the sunshine / (For real! Yes you would!) / And you'll get to free your mind / And things will turn out fine / (I know that things will turn out fine / (Yes they would, yes the would!)..............."

Mary J. Blige
"My Life"
1994

Yo....Im Tripping Hard!

This is a sure sign I need some.......something. Afterwards I even tripped like "Yo...did I just do that?" So what happened was....I was laying in bed at like 4am. I had been in bed for damn near an hour and I couldnt fall asleep. I had Mary's "My Life" album playing. So of course Im thinking about KK. (Like what the else is my lovestruck ass gon think about at that time of night?)....Anyways I swear on EVERYTHING I LOVE....I turned over and asked MY FATHER for advice!!!!!!!!! I literally turned over and uttered the words...."What should I do Pop?". I even had to laugh myself at that one. I was like "Nigga you know you tripping now!".

Basically to make a long story short......the reason that this is sooooo unusual is I didnt really kick it with my old man since I was about 12 years old. Yup....right at the formative years. Anyways contact was spotty after I graduated 8th grade. And it's not like he lived far away. He was still in the city. Homie just didnt get it popping like that for whatever reason. The tripped out thing is....I didnt really miss him or it didnt bother to me til maybe 3 or 4 years ago. Then I finally tracked him down and the siblings that I didnt really know too well. Anyways he died maybe 8 months after I found him again. Needless to say that there are a lot of unresolved issues there. And the sucky thing is Im pretty much left to work them out amongst myself.

But shit....that's life I guess. I just thought it funny as shit for me to roll over and ask advice of him. That would definitely constitute me tripping hard!

Shouts out to 'Chell for the wisdom!

Every now and again....you truly need the opinion from someone on the outside looking in. At times they truly have the best view to see some shit that you cant see cuz you are knee deep in it. Feel me? Like the whole 'cant see the forest for the trees' saying. Anyways....in this particular case I had already come to understand everything told to me. It was just good to hear it re-inforced for the like the umpteenth time I guess. I've come to learn everything said in the hardest way possible....cuz apparently thats how I choose to learn things. So here's a tiny excerpt from the convo......


chell: she may have been putting up with all that heartache..who knows for how long..so cause you showed her your tears one day, may not be enough...she held on for as long as she could with that heartache that it doesn't equal out to just u kissin her ass for the 2months ya'll been broken up. that kiss alone is HUGE! THAT SHIT HURTS!! you gotta do alot more suffering cause you ain't even close to what she felt when ya'll were together

tj1177: DAMN ARE U CHANNELING HER THROUGH UR BODY?

chell: not that i think she wants to put you thru pain but..

chell: maybe if you felt what she felt..you'll understand why she's doing what she's doing now

tj1177: probably

chell: sorry don't mean to council u on this lol

tj1177: no no....i appreciate this

chell: cool

tj1177: this is maaaaaad helpful

tj1177: you dont even know

Wow! When she first typed this...I just knew that KK had secretly flown to the Yay and jumped on Chell's comp and started typing to me. It's EVERYTHING KK had been saying for soooooooooooo long.

Can I just re-iterate how much of a fucking idiot I am? Thanks! Teej you are a piece of work boy! God surely only made one of you. Anyone out there reading...if you listen close enough...that sound you hear is of me kicking myself!

Erykah 3

I feel kinda funny when I constantly post song lyrics to my blog sometimes. But shit...it's mine. And anything or song I post is really truly something I am feeling at that moment. So with that said......

all I got to say is
It wont let go

you can pray to early May
fast for 30 days
still It wont let go

got a good book and got all in it
tried a little yoga for a minute
but it wont let go

tried to turn the sauna up to hotter
drank a whole jar of holy water
but it wont let go........

Now if THAT aint truth I dont know what is. Lordhavemercyhallelujah!

Vultures!

KK blogged about LOVING Mario's song 'Let Me Love You' a couple of weeks ago. And every since then I swear I aint been able to listen to that shit! LOL. The thought of some misc. nigga up in her ear singing that makes me wanna jump outta my 10th floor window! For real! UGGHHH! That, Carl Thomas's 'Make It Alright', Mary J's 'I Can Love You', and well....you get the drift. I feel like such an asshole.....as well I should.

I took her to lunch last week for her birthday. I told her how fucking stupid I am and feel. Would you believe I got so emotional that I even cried? Yo....FYI.....The Teej doesnt really do the cry thing. Not hardly. I usta think there was something wrong with my tearducts at one point. But I had been thinking the night before our lunch of what I'd say. So when I got to her face...I was able to get most of it out. And it was just alot. I hope she knows I was sincere. KK....I was sincere! LOL.

Anyways back to the vultures. I dont want them circling around her....as I bet they are. Preying upon her and shit. The simple fact is....I KNOW I can do better. And that's probably the part that fucks with me the most. That and just knowing I hurt her. The combination of the 2 makes me wanna do bodily harm to myself. That's how much I really am tripping like....'Nigga you's an asshole'. I just hope...eventually....I get the chance to do better by her. She deserves so much more. And I know I can give it to her.

Done.

Boo hoo......hoo!

Today is KK's birthday, and Im no longer a part of helping her to celebrate it and the such. That sucks! Cuz she's someone I still think the world of and she is one of the few people I'm truly willing to ride for. Anyways the whole thing makes me sad, but I made my bed. I suppose I get to lay in it now, huh?

Happy Birthday Poop!

A 2nd Word To The Wise

If your friend is moving to Texas (or anywhere outta state for that matter) and they offer to give you ALL their food in their 'frig....RESPECTFULLY DECLINE that shit son!

A friend from High School moved to Texas, so I stopped by her place to see her off and say goodbye. She offered me EVERYTHING in her kitchen! Wow! Free food? Hells Yeah! We packed that shit up and she drove me to my crib. I thought I had hit a lick! I dont even know if I bothered to ask how long she had had the food. I guess I just assumed she wouldnt knowingly gimme any bad food. This was like 2 weeks ago.

Well last night I cooked some of the perch she gave me. The bag was unopened so I figured it was cool. I made perch, mashed potatoes and spinach. Had me a nice glass of OJ to go with it. My co-worker said the fish and OJ is where I went wrong. Anyways I ate at 8pm and went to bed at 4am feeling fiiiiine. I didnt wake up feeling so hot though. I woke up with the runs, a bad case of heartburn, a headache and my whole fucking body hurt. I just knew I was gonna throw up on the bus. Im lucky I didnt die.

I mean the fish didnt smell bad when i thawed it out though. Anways, when I get home...Im throwing ALL THAT SHIT AWAY yo!

A Word To The Wise...

..if you think you may can be somewhat of an impulse spender/shopper...lemme tell you. Alcohol, Credit Cards, and Late Night Infomercials DO NOT MIX AT ALL!!!

To make a long story short....it was Saturday night. I had just came home from hanging out with friends. I was just a lil tipsy. I caught the tail end of a some sorta tribute to Quincy Jones. It was like 4am when it went off. I shoulda went to bed. Now if my cable was on I wouldnt have did it. But since it wasnt...I was just working with the basic channels. I decided to give the channels just one last flick through. And then......Peabo Bryson's big forehead ass pops up on my screen. Now I fucks with Peabo! I had to see what my man was talking about. Turns out her was pitching a Time Life CD series on Classic Ballads from the 60's, 70' and 80's! Awww man! Now Im in trouble. I knew it. I shoulda turned it off or turned the station, but I had to hear what they were coming with. Before I know it...Im in my living room J A M M I N on the O N E! Ya hear me! 8 CD's of classic soul shit...all for incredibly low price of 4 easy payments of $29.99!?!?!?! PLUS...if I order with a credit card I get 2 more CD's of Classic Soul Duets for FREE! That's a total of 10 shits!!!! I aint ED O.G & THE BULLDOGS but....I GOTSA HAVE IT!

So I dial the number...I get some black chick named Carmen. I start to tell her I'm interested in purchasing the Classic Soul CD series, and the mu'fucking cell phone cuts off! Now honestly I took that as a sign from God. 'Teej...this isnt for you my son!" But the infomercial was still on my TV. So I dialed again. Can you believe that? I over-wrote GOD! Jeez! Then I get some spanish chick who I can barely understand named Ismeta or something. I order the shit....and you know it aint that simple. I turned down like 2 additional offers for other shit I didnt need. But she somehow bullied me into accepting my 3 free 3 month subscriptions to magazines of my choice. I took Ebony, Essence and GQ. At the end of the 3 months if I dont call and cancel those subscriptions you know they will automatically renew those shits with my CC, right?

WTF? Just say no!

Kicking Off The New Year

So you wanna know how I kicked off my first of the year? I did some good and some bad.

Since I worked overnight on NYE, I got home on New Years Day at like 9am-ish. I slept til about 3pm and I got up and for some strange reason caught the cleaning bug. I was off. Bathroom? Done! Kitchen/Dishes? Done! Living room? Done! I even got some organizational work done too. Whew! By time I was done I looked up and it was 7pm. So my cleaning up was the good part.

Now as I always do when Im home on a Saturday at around 7pm I scanned the channels to see if any movies I had been wanting to catch were coming on. I saw one that I had heard alot about. It's called "30 Years To Life". It stars Melissa De Soussa, Erika Alexander, Allen Payne, Tracy Morgan, Paula Jai Parker, TE Russell and Kadeem Hardison. It's basically about the trials and tribulations of a group of friends all whom are approaching 30 and how they deal with the impending milestone.

I had planned on cooking earlier, but I couldnt cook cuz the movie was coming on. I needed to eat. Oh what was I to do? I stooped to a new all time low is what I did. With not much to snack on I didnt have too many options. There was one piece of turkey bologna so I made a sandwich, but I'm 6'5 230 lbs! That wasnt gonna do. Im figuring since it's a holiday I know I'll eat for free when I get to work in another 4 hours. I just need something to hold me til then. To make a long story short....I ended up eating my little sandwich with 2 cans of tuna. Straight out the can. With a fork! I felt so pathetic. I dont even know if I was supposed to do that. I had lead poisioning as a kid and I was told to never eat stuff outta those cans. But oh well....what's done is done. Pretty pathetic huh?

And / A Question

...And he was screaming at the top of his lungs "I'm still learning. I'm still growing. I'm getting there!"
And she replied "Well Im there already. I already know what you are still learning!"
And he didnt really have a reply for that. How could he really?

So a question came to mind.....If the one that God has made for you isnt ready when you are, then what? Do you exercise a supreme measure in patience and bide your time and wait? Or do you move on and find someone else with the chance that that other someone isnt quite your 'as of yet not quite ready' first?

Hello '05

"Last year was a hard one/but life goes on/bumping my head against the wall/learning right from wrong..." - 2Pac

What up '05? Let me give you a quick run down on some things that I plan to do during your calendar run....

* Take VIP-TV up a notch or two - Yeah we made moves in '04 re-appearing in a big way. But we're gonna make even bigger strides in '05. You just wait and see.

* Get that credit together - I can see 30! It's about that time mister.

(Speaking of which...."A nigga been focused since I said hi to 30!" - Jay Z)

* Getting more focused - on everything! And maintaining that focus also!

*Figure out what KK and I are doing - We cant continue on this see saw we're on now. Will the love be enough to sustain? Can we both make the necessary changes needed for us to do this for real?

*Look into finishing school - Yeah I felt Kanye, but I still have the desire to finish. When I left I was too damn close. 31 credits aint shit son!

* Health - Not only am I gonna resume my workout regime that I abandoned oh so long ago...but Im gon eat better. I swear!!!! And since I got health insurance now....I'd best take advantage of it.

*Following through - I KNOW I have some dope ideas and the such. I HAVE to do a better job of following through and listening to my instinct.

* Misc shit - Modeling? Poetry book? Maybe an event or 2? You got shit to do homie! 5 seconds is up.....LET'S GO!