Tuesday, March 29, 2005

A Woman's Security (The 2nd longest?....well maybe not)

*Huge Sigh*

So I just had a rather interesting conversation with the former Misses. I think it was maybe a couple of weeks ago I think I had asked her what would it take to get back together. And if Im not mistaken her reply was something to the effect of 'A salaried job!' And then I remember asking "So all I need is a salary based job and we're good to go?' And again if I remember...I got something of an affirmative confirmation.

And so that brings me to the point of this particular blog entry. I do understand that a woman needs security. Like it's good for her to know that her man is about something and can provide for her if need be. But lemme tell you...sista is dope! Got her own business and all...damn sure dont need me to provide for her. But I do understand it's nice to have that assurance. Maybe it's an inherant (sp?) trait in most women. Whatever the case I totally understand it.

My particular conflict in this though....as pertaining to her and I. She's already told me that she KNOWS (ya hear me? KNOWS) that I will be a great father and husband. I take that to mean that she knows that I will do whatever legally (and hell illegally if need be) to provide for my family. So with that said....if I happen to get a salaried gig in let's say, oh the next 6-9 months, then what? We're ret ta go again?

I feel like I'd possibly have some sorta resentment on some 'oh.....you got the vapors now?' shit. Can u feel me? The ironic part is...when me and KK first got together....I was soooooo ASS OUT. No car, no job, living with my mama.....I mean completely ass out. I still had my TV show then, but money from that is so slow and far between. She HELD ME DOWN then, hear me? Anyways I mean she saw SOMETHING in me then. In addition to the trust issues and a couple of other misc. things which caused us to break up...it seems she gave up or stopped believing in me. She felt that I was no longer motivated to do better and advance in my career and my life in general. I mean who wants to be with a deadbeat ass nigga thats satisfied with a mediocre job that barely pays you enough to get by? But ummmm excuse me, love. THAT AINT ME! Never been me. Sorry you got it a bit twisted and misunderstood, but that just aint me. Dude is so focused right now. I guess you'll soon see.

I cant predict the future. Maybe we will get it back, maybe we wont. But I'd sure hate for the reason of us not getting back to be that you didnt / or you stopped believing in me. It's the TEEJ, son. How can you bet against him? Especially if your love never waivered. But you did say love was not enough, right?

See...that sounds like bitterness already, huh?


Reese said...

Since I've come out of a similar situation, I feel it NECESSARY to comment. I was with a man for 3 yrs that worked sporatically and I do mean sporatically! I held him down thru thick and thin...sat back and watched him sit on my couch day after day while I worked endless hours to support his weed habit and constant need for PS2. Now, my point being you have a job. No matter what type of job you have it is something that is supporting you. Although baby girl may be all that, well, I think u need to realize SO ARE YOU! Black men like u are so far and between, sweetie. I'm sure you have your "issues", but you're honest....and I think anyone in their right mind would be crazy to let you go!!!

Teej said...

Thanks Reese I appreciate it. But I'd be remiss (Never ever thought I'd ever feel a need to use that word...lol) if I didnt tell you that while I do consider myself an honest person, I had definitely told a tale or 2 in this relationship. But I appreciate your words.

Reese said...

....u need a vacation forreal sweetie. love is really a fucked up emotion,excuse the language. but it takes u on this emotional tidal wave destroying everything in it's path. it leaves u barren and cold in the end...and just when u thought you'd cleaned up the mess...here comes that wave of love again..knocking down everything you've cleaned up.

Kk said...

Lawd hammercy....

you've inspired a blog. Damn.