Thursday, March 17, 2005

Pardon Me (The Longest Blog I Ever Wrote)

I feel it's fair to give you, the unsuspecting reader, a fair warning off top. This is another one of those 'I miss my baby' blogs.

For those of you who for some reason wanna read my babble...cant say I didnt warn ya.

I feel like I do okay since the break up. I have my good days and bad days like most I suppose. I want so bad to be friends with KK even if we arent 'together'. She knows Im not over her yet, so she's hesitant. And there is about 8% of me that understands. But the other 92% is going crazy. No Im not over her. And no I dont wanna be. Not yet anyways.

The other day my friend Tiffani was at my place. She asked why I still had KK's pics displayed on my coffee table. I couldnt even answer. All I could say with geniune unawareness was 'I dont know'. Yes it's over, but I dont wanna put her pictures up. Is that dumb? I know it doesnt help to speed up the 'getting over' process. But again.....I dont wanna get over it. Not yet. I honestly am still hoping that I'll get the 'Im sorry. I love you. I cant live w/o you' call. I know I wont. I know her. She's a strong willed stubborn something or the other. Even if she felt that way she wouldnt make that call.

So what do I do? Part of me is saying 'Live ya life my nigga!' But a bigger part is just not ready to make that step. And the funny thing is.....If I really wanted to get over my heart of hearts....I can. I know exactly how to do it. So why dont I you ask? Well b/c Im pretty fucking stubborn my damn self. And there isnt a breathing soul that can tell me that this is hopeless. If you knew how hard I clasped my hands together, and how tight I close my eyes when I pray that she and I find our way back together you'd probably laugh. You'd laugh, but I promise it isnt funny.

(BTW.....Am I going in circles here? Is there a point? I dunno...but I AM getting shit off my chest)

Earlier today as I was getting ready for work I was watching VH1. The show 'Bands Reunited' was on. They were trying to reunite the 80's group Klymaxx. One of Klymaxx's most popular songs is the the sappy balllad 'I Miss You'. Can you guess what it's about? LOL. As the guy was interviewing the lady who wrote it he asked her what prompted her to write it. Her response was "What do you think? I had just broken up with someone. It kinda wrote itself. I just channeled it." And man.....for anyone that has ever broken up and was hoping to get back together.....WHEW!!!!! Funny thing is....I've loved this song since I was a little kid. It literally came out 20 years ago. I've always liked sappy ballads. Its just now I really relate to the fuckers. Anyways....check out the lyrics....

Thought I heard your voice yesterday
Then I turned around to say
that I loved you
then I realized that it was just my mind
playing tricks on me....
It seems colder lately at night
and I try to sleep with the lights on
Everytime the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe (just can't believe)
That we're through...

I miss you (I miss you...)
Theres no other way to say it
And I, And I can't deny it.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me........

Is it done and over this time?
Have we really change our minds?
But it's our first love...
all the feelings that we used to share...
I refuse to believe that you don't care.


I've got to gather my senses together (Gather)
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now (over now)
be strong (be strong)
I can't believe that you're gone...I've got to carry on.

I miss you (I miss you...)
It's driving me crazy
I don't want to live without you.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to seeI miss you and me............

Man did you read that shit? I should cut and paste that again! That' s some heavy shit right there! Its amazing how songs can touch you and speak to and for you like that. Thats one of the reasons I am going to write songs soon. Plus you know the money is bookoo if you get ur shit published, but thats another story.

It's actually a million 'I love you, I want you back, I cant believe we arent together' songs. This one is just in my head today. But the message of it is so on point.

I was on the phone with a friend last night and she was reading some astrological stuff about the Scorpio. And as you know Im a mighty mighty Scorpio. Definitely one of the more dominant signs in the zodiac. But as she read....I couldnt help but to think that THIS is the reason why I cant get over KK. Getting over lost love is just not some shit we are known for. Check out these quotes on Scorpio's....

"Only one thing hurt's scorpio is their tendency to be emotional. However, being extremely intuitive, it helps them deal with this, and even gives them a physic edge in some situation. They live hard and love hard, and give their hearts fully and unconditionally."

"Scorpio is intense, strong-willed, passionate and filled with desire. They are clever, perceptive and almost psychic in their intuitiveness. Consistent with their Fixed energy, Scorpios are stubborn and determined. "

"Even when (Scorpio's) appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions."

So apparently I wont be getting over this anytime soon. It appears to not be in my nature. Shit is like tortue yo. If I could easily just be done with it on some ol 'cest la vie' shit, I'd be soooo much better off. But that's just not in me. So what do I do? I wait it out I guess. I havent really had many girlfriends. The last 'girlfriend' was Iyonda when I was 20. LOL. I will never forget that. When we broke up it was at the start of a 3 day weekend. I promise you I stayed in my room the entire weekend. I only left to use the washroom which was a couple steps away. As many times as I wanted to just not go anywhere and sulk with this breakup I just cant. Stakes is higher. There's rent to be paid, ya know? I remember I felt better after I made the breakup tape. I actually still have it. I listened to it once when I was feeling down recently. It made me feel a little better, but Im gonna have to update it.

And so this is my sad existence. Its really not as bad as I think this makes it sound. I find myself trying to do alot more with friends now. I hate being in my house alone. Too much time to think. If I have to be home....I try to stay on the internet and phone or something. I just dont like sitting there. But her picture is sitting on my coffee table so WTF? There is something in every room to remind me of her.

Alright Im sure Im blabbering now. I think Im done. Thanks for reading if you did.

1 comment:

The Artist Formerly Known As said...

This is the most real shit I have ever read. Other than being a Scorpio (I'm a Cancer), I know exactly what you mean by everything you said. Damn. I don't even know what else there is to say but damn.