Love Language by Talib Kweli

Damn! Im back on some love shit it seems. But dammit when you sit back and think about it...Love is strange. Mystifying even. There are a million songs that speak about love. This one is of my faves by one of favorite MC's. Check out the some of the lyrics yall....peep the chorus!

Love is blind, you just see bright light
You up in the club feelin' the night life, lookin' for the right type
You know the plan you had to conquer the world
Thinking you Scarface, looking for that perfect girl And now you found her
Started with romantic, then got to frantic
Then things thats normally small become gigantic
Now y'all sinkin like the Titanic here come the panic
Bein with you is like a habit without you I can't stand it
It's tragic when you wonder when you lost that magic
Without understanding that you never had it try to grab it
In the bed gettin a nut off, communication cut off
Getting mad cause you turned on wondering where she shut off
Constantly comparing you to someone in my past
We don't smile anymore, and we argue over cash
Advance to that physical shit See what happens if you keep talkin
See what happens if you lay a finger on me motherf...
Yo, see what I'm sayin' It's like one big mind game that everybody playin
(Men) say (Women) is trife, (Women) say (Men) is
We just don't understand our fundamental differences I'm still learning though, actually
I just do what come naturally, naturally, naturally

(Chorus)
L'amour n'a pas de, frontiere (Love has no boundaries)
Restes car je t'aime comme tu es (Stay because I love you as you are)
J'ai traverse l'ocean du verbe (I crossed an ocean of words)
Et je t'ai trouve (And I found you)

Women thrive on emotions, men refuse to acknowledge
So when we arguin nobody win
Words get in the way time and again
Sticks and stones break your bones words break your heart
Whether you in touch with that part or not say "word"
Words are weapons for the revolutionary
Used for evil make the situation very scary
Word up, but love is brave It flies in the face of fear
Yo, wherever you want to go love'll take you there

LOL I'm Soooo Amp-ed Now.

FYI....after the last post Im really tempted to rant and rave about how you shouldnt bet against The Teej, but I'll spare you all.

Thank me later.

A Woman's Security (The 2nd longest?....well maybe not)

*Exhale*
*Huge Sigh*

So I just had a rather interesting conversation with the former Misses. I think it was maybe a couple of weeks ago I think I had asked her what would it take to get back together. And if Im not mistaken her reply was something to the effect of 'A salaried job!' And then I remember asking "So all I need is a salary based job and we're good to go?' And again if I remember...I got something of an affirmative confirmation.

And so that brings me to the point of this particular blog entry. I do understand that a woman needs security. Like it's good for her to know that her man is about something and can provide for her if need be. But lemme tell you...sista is dope! Got her own business and all...damn sure dont need me to provide for her. But I do understand it's nice to have that assurance. Maybe it's an inherant (sp?) trait in most women. Whatever the case I totally understand it.

My particular conflict in this though....as pertaining to her and I. She's already told me that she KNOWS (ya hear me? KNOWS) that I will be a great father and husband. I take that to mean that she knows that I will do whatever legally (and hell illegally if need be) to provide for my family. So with that said....if I happen to get a salaried gig in let's say, oh the next 6-9 months, then what? We're ret ta go again?

I feel like I'd possibly have some sorta resentment on some 'oh.....you got the vapors now?' shit. Can u feel me? The ironic part is...when me and KK first got together....I was soooooo ASS OUT. No car, no job, living with my mama.....I mean completely ass out. I still had my TV show then, but money from that is so slow and far between. She HELD ME DOWN then, hear me? Anyways I mean she saw SOMETHING in me then. In addition to the trust issues and a couple of other misc. things which caused us to break up...it seems she gave up or stopped believing in me. She felt that I was no longer motivated to do better and advance in my career and my life in general. I mean who wants to be with a deadbeat ass nigga thats satisfied with a mediocre job that barely pays you enough to get by? But ummmm excuse me, love. THAT AINT ME! Never been me. Sorry you got it a bit twisted and misunderstood, but that just aint me. Dude is so focused right now. I guess you'll soon see.

I cant predict the future. Maybe we will get it back, maybe we wont. But I'd sure hate for the reason of us not getting back to be that you didnt / or you stopped believing in me. It's the TEEJ, son. How can you bet against him? Especially if your love never waivered. But you did say love was not enough, right?

See...that sounds like bitterness already, huh?

Gracias to mi Madres

What the hell is the spanish word for 'to'? Why cant I think of it?

Anyways I just wanna send a quick shout out to my Granny for hooking me up with the 20 year old microwave that miraciously STILL works. I gotta admit that I was skeptical when she suggested that I take it for my place. I can still remember heating up cookies and stuff in it when I was like 7. Now Im 27 and I have it in my crib. Boy I tell you about technology. To think that that thing had been sitting in her basement unplugged for like the last 10 years and it still works. I fucks with GE yo. They bring good things to life still. LOL.

And also I wanna thank my mama for sending me some Easter dinner in tupperware via my brother while I was at the gig! I knew she was sending me food that she had cooked for Easter. But I assumed I was gonna get the customary black folks 'plate'. But homegirl sent me tupperware yo! I had a cornish hen, wild rice, mac and cheese, greens, cinnamon rolls, AND banana pudding! I didnt get to eat it while at work so I took it home for today. I'll say this much....I think I just came! Got wet, did something!

Shit was THAT good. Now I just gotta clean up my kitchen. Tupperware everywhere!

My New Work Out Plan

It started a couple weeks ago when a co-worker asked if Cheeseburgers were my favorite meal. I hadnt really noticed until then, but I have been eating alot of junk as of late. Not b/c I dont like non-junk, but junk is so much easier. Anyways no more of that! I'm focused on getting my 6 pack back. Dont get me wrong.....by no means is anyone mistaking me for being pregnant. I can still see my man down there if ya know what I mean. But I do have a pudge that Im not comfortable with. And shit...Jamaica is coming up in about 8 weeks. Cant go down there like this here. And so outta that necessity I created My New Work Out Plan today.

Basically it goes like this....No fried foods!!! Can u believe my black ass is swearing off fried foods. Im gonna try to go w/o them til I get back from Jamaica. No french fries or nothing! Can you bake or broil french fries? Also Im only eating chicken, turkey and fish for the next 2 months. Yup! I had to call my mama and ask her how to cook chicken other than frying it. Like I know the methods of baking and broiling, but I dont know if I know how to actually bake or broil, feel me? And I swear this is what mama's is for. She mentioned The Foreman Grill!!! Hell yeah, I usta Foreman Grill my ass off! I dunno how I forgot it. I will mos def be copping one in the next day or two.

And the 2nd installment in my NWOP is.....working out up to 5 days per week now. I was getting results from when I was doing 3 days. People were noticing I was getting bigger, thicker and gaining muscle w/o me even having to get naked!!!! So I know if I up it to 5 days faithfully by Jamaica time Imma be on to something. I just gotta stay on the wagon. I keep falling off the workout wagon. Stay on the wagon. Stay on the wagon. Stay on the wagon Teej..........

I'm Okay Now

Hey there to all 3 of my regular blog readers. LOL. Im off my soapbox. Im cool. I still have my jones for her, but like I said I have my good and bad days. That particular day it was just on my mind heavy, and so I just felt like getting it all out. I probably wont do that again til May sometime. Yeah...right after Dave and Jamilia's wedding. LOL. Anyways....I have a busy few days ahead so Im sure to keep myself occupied. And occupied time is good time. Its the damn idle time that gets at ya!

Pardon Me (The Longest Blog I Ever Wrote)

I feel it's fair to give you, the unsuspecting reader, a fair warning off top. This is another one of those 'I miss my baby' blogs.

For those of you who for some reason wanna read my babble...cant say I didnt warn ya.

I feel like I do okay since the break up. I have my good days and bad days like most I suppose. I want so bad to be friends with KK even if we arent 'together'. She knows Im not over her yet, so she's hesitant. And there is about 8% of me that understands. But the other 92% is going crazy. No Im not over her. And no I dont wanna be. Not yet anyways.

The other day my friend Tiffani was at my place. She asked why I still had KK's pics displayed on my coffee table. I couldnt even answer. All I could say with geniune unawareness was 'I dont know'. Yes it's over, but I dont wanna put her pictures up. Is that dumb? I know it doesnt help to speed up the 'getting over' process. But again.....I dont wanna get over it. Not yet. I honestly am still hoping that I'll get the 'Im sorry. I love you. I cant live w/o you' call. I know I wont. I know her. She's a strong willed stubborn something or the other. Even if she felt that way she wouldnt make that call.

So what do I do? Part of me is saying 'Live ya life my nigga!' But a bigger part is just not ready to make that step. And the funny thing is.....If I really wanted to get over this...in my heart of hearts....I can. I know exactly how to do it. So why dont I you ask? Well b/c Im pretty fucking stubborn my damn self. And there isnt a breathing soul that can tell me that this is hopeless. If you knew how hard I clasped my hands together, and how tight I close my eyes when I pray that she and I find our way back together you'd probably laugh. You'd laugh, but I promise it isnt funny.

(BTW.....Am I going in circles here? Is there a point? I dunno...but I AM getting shit off my chest)

Earlier today as I was getting ready for work I was watching VH1. The show 'Bands Reunited' was on. They were trying to reunite the 80's group Klymaxx. One of Klymaxx's most popular songs is the the sappy balllad 'I Miss You'. Can you guess what it's about? LOL. As the guy was interviewing the lady who wrote it he asked her what prompted her to write it. Her response was "What do you think? I had just broken up with someone. It kinda wrote itself. I just channeled it." And man.....for anyone that has ever broken up and was hoping to get back together.....WHEW!!!!! Funny thing is....I've loved this song since I was a little kid. It literally came out 20 years ago. I've always liked sappy ballads. Its just now I really relate to the fuckers. Anyways....check out the lyrics....

VERSE ONE
Thought I heard your voice yesterday
Then I turned around to say
that I loved you
then I realized that it was just my mind
playing tricks on me....
It seems colder lately at night
and I try to sleep with the lights on
Everytime the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe (just can't believe)
That we're through...

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
Theres no other way to say it
And I, And I can't deny it.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me........

VERSE TWO
Is it done and over this time?
Have we really change our minds?
But it's our first love...
all the feelings that we used to share...
I refuse to believe that you don't care.

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I've got to gather my senses together (Gather)
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now (over now)
be strong (be strong)
I can't believe that you're gone...I've got to carry on.

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's driving me crazy
I don't want to live without you.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to seeI miss you and me............

Man did you read that shit? I should cut and paste that again! That' s some heavy shit right there! Its amazing how songs can touch you and speak to and for you like that. Thats one of the reasons I am going to write songs soon. Plus you know the money is bookoo if you get ur shit published, but thats another story.

It's actually a million 'I love you, I want you back, I cant believe we arent together' songs. This one is just in my head today. But the message of it is so on point.

I was on the phone with a friend last night and she was reading some astrological stuff about the Scorpio. And as you know Im a mighty mighty Scorpio. Definitely one of the more dominant signs in the zodiac. But as she read....I couldnt help but to think that THIS is the reason why I cant get over KK. Getting over lost love is just not some shit we are known for. Check out these quotes on Scorpio's....

"Only one thing hurt's scorpio is their tendency to be emotional. However, being extremely intuitive, it helps them deal with this, and even gives them a physic edge in some situation. They live hard and love hard, and give their hearts fully and unconditionally."

"Scorpio is intense, strong-willed, passionate and filled with desire. They are clever, perceptive and almost psychic in their intuitiveness. Consistent with their Fixed energy, Scorpios are stubborn and determined. "

"Even when (Scorpio's) appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions."

So apparently I wont be getting over this anytime soon. It appears to not be in my nature. Shit is like tortue yo. If I could easily just be done with it on some ol 'cest la vie' shit, I'd be soooo much better off. But that's just not in me. So what do I do? I wait it out I guess. I havent really had many girlfriends. The last 'girlfriend' was Iyonda when I was 20. LOL. I will never forget that. When we broke up it was at the start of a 3 day weekend. I promise you I stayed in my room the entire weekend. I only left to use the washroom which was a couple steps away. As many times as I wanted to just not go anywhere and sulk with this breakup I just cant. Stakes is higher. There's rent to be paid, ya know? I remember I felt better after I made the breakup tape. I actually still have it. I listened to it once when I was feeling down recently. It made me feel a little better, but Im gonna have to update it.

And so this is my sad existence. Its really not as bad as I think this makes it sound. I find myself trying to do alot more with friends now. I hate being in my house alone. Too much time to think. If I have to be home....I try to stay on the internet and phone or something. I just dont like sitting there. But her picture is sitting on my coffee table so WTF? There is something in every room to remind me of her.

Alright Im sure Im blabbering now. I think Im done. Thanks for reading if you did.

Say It Aint So Kimmie!

"When I testified in court /couldnt think straight thinkin' bout the bitches I fought/over you..." - Lil Kim from the song "Another" by Notorious B.I.G. f/ Lil Kim

"Under pressure/I lie for ya/die for ya/Luger by the thigh for ya/right hand high for ya..." - Lil Kim from the song "I Can Love You" by Mary J. Blige f/ Lil Kim

Lil Kim is going to jail. Hopefully not for long, but she's going. All on some code of the streets shit. She was loyal to dudes obviously not as loyal for her. Alot of people talk that 'Imma ride for my people' shit...but she really did it. And it got her facing 20 years right now.

C'mon Kimmie! If you gon lie to a federal grand jury....dont make it such a bad one. They showed you pictures of dudes you've known for well over 10 years, and you said you didnt know them. There are videos, pictures, album credits, etc where you acknowledged these guys. Why didnt you just say "I heard gunfire. I got down. And I didnt get up til I didnt hear no mo shots. I dunno who the hell was shooting!" Now THAT shit is believable yo!

Lil Cease and Banger (who she was in Junior Mafia with) got called in to testify and were put in a very difficult position. Either lie and say they dont know if Kim knew these dudes and face perjury charges themselves when the lie is found out, or tell the truth and basically leave Kim ass out. And since Kim had kinda distanced herself from all of them, and there is some hostile feelings there....well their choice wasnt as hard no more, huh? Now they kinda look like snitches in the street.

Pretty fucked up, right? Hopefully her and Hilary (her assistant also convicted) will get the Martha Stewart treatment. Guess we'll wait and see what the judge or jury hands down during sentencing on June 24th.

WTF?

Cashier Girl at Wendy's : (Upon me placing an order) You're face is getting fat. You need to stop coming in here.

Me : (Mouth wide open...totally speechless)

I Shoulda Got His Ass!

Man.....I just had the chance to come up on a sweet ass lick! This guy just came in the hotel off the street and asked me to change a $20 bill. No biggie, right? But w/o even looking...the fucker hands me a fuckin' $50!!!!!

My dumb ass w/o even thinking says "Oh sir, you handed me a 50." Then he puts on his glasses and says "You know I can barely see without these things?" Well duh nigga! Duh! WTF? I think I been working in this ritsy ditsy ass place waaaaay too long. I musta left my southside of Chicago instincts at the crib. Either that or I was too tired to think straight. $30....gone. On some honesty shit. He wouldnt have even noticed til he got back to Barrington (affluent, mostly white suburb) or wherever the fuck he's from. Oh well I suppose the morality God's will look down upon me favorably for this. Hell, I might even get a good deed like this done for me one of these days. But shit......I need some immediate gratfication out this summa bitch.

My mama would be so mad at me right now...........

What Catches Your Heart?

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few that will catch your heart....Pursue those to the ends of the earth!" - Unknown

Hello! Can I get an 'amen' from the congregation?

Fucking Tuna!

Tuna gives me heartburn! I just figured it out. I had the tuna I made last night for the second night in a row and for the second night in a row I have heartburn. This getting older shit is no joke, dunny! But as broke as I am, I cant afford to waste food. So you know Im gon eat that ol heartburn giving ass tuna til it aint no mo, right?

To KK............

I was thinking on how freaky it was that we both bought the same green Brooklyn B-Ball Tee at totally separate times w/o the others knowledge.

Remember when you told me you asked for and got a sign from God, in fact you said you got 2 if I recall correctly, as to whether or not we belong together. What happened to those signs? You still haven’t told me what they were. Will ya ever?

Do you think of me when you put milk in your coffee or tea and it turns a beige color similar to my complexion? Betcha will now. *wink* Betcha’ll smile when it happens because I said you would. *smile*

Why dont you meet me over my place. I'll be all sweaty (just like I know you like) from working out. I'll make sure to have the 'Ideal' CD already in the player. We'll see what happens from there..............

What do you say?

Me

I AM.....not of this earth it seems
I WILL ALWAYS.....love my mama
I MISS.....too many to name
I HEAR.....voices in my head frequently
I CRAVE.....junk food
I WORRY.....about my loved ones
I REGRET.....not applying myself in school
I LOVE......life
I SING.....horribly, yet proudly
I LOST......my mind a long time ago
I LIKE.....to walk around my place ass naked, joint swanging!
I DONT LIKE.....rules
I AM LISTENING TO.....Rufus/Chaka Khan
I CAN BE.....anything i fucking wanna
I NEED......KK
I KNOW THAT.....I didnt do as well by her as I could
I HOPE......she gives me 1 more shot to prove myself to her
I WANT.....nothing more than to be wealthy enough for me and my fam to live comfortably
I WISH.....I had had a better relationship w/ my pops
I CRY.....rarely
I FEEL.....different ways at different times
I BELIEVE.....in miracles
I AM PROUD.....of my peoples when they accomplish shit
I THINK.....Im a pretty fucking terrific guy

Eye Swear!

So I come to discover today that the sty that was on my inner eye-lid has turned into a cyst! (EXHALES........SLOWLY........DEEPLY.........LOUDLY)

When I read up on the eye sty thing last weekend, it did mention that these type of sty's can turn into a cyst. It wont blur my vision or make me blind. It'll just be a little tiny knot on my eye. Yaaaaay!

Its been there all week, but I finally noticed it today when I got a good look at my face in the mirror this afternoon. So if you are keeping score out there, that's 2 definite cyst's, 1 probable and 1 possible. I've had this one in my left wrist since high school. Had it drained thrice times, and it keeps coming back like The O'Jay's. Last time the doc drained it, he said if it came back it'll have to be surgically removed. Well it's been back.....I just aint been back....to the doctor since. Then there's the probable one in my right foot. Im pretty sure thats what it is. And then there's the lump in my back. I know it sounds icky, but it's not really noticeable unless I have my shirt off. The doc told me that it was a 'tissue growth'......whatever that means. I personally think that lump in my back is the piece of my knee bone I chipped in 5th grade. I think it made its way through my body and planted itself in my back. I'll let you know how that hypothesis turns out when I know for sure.

But back to my eye......U know of all the things I planned to get done in '05......eye surgery was mysteriously not on my list! Gotta research it more, but I swear thats the only way those sites said a eye cyst could be removed.

Dignity & Love

" Dignity and love do not blend well, nor do they continue long together."
- Ovid

And with that said....GODDAMN I want my baby back. Im not ashamed to say it.

America's Next Top Model (Mary & Tiffany)

So maybe it's the gay in me.....I dont care. But since I am home on this Thursday night and I saw the 4th season premiere of America's Next Top Model was coming on I decided to tune it. I aint gon even front like I wasnt all up in it last season.



So I turn it on and I immediately see 2 familiar faces. First I see Tiffany. She was the tough girl from Miami that got in the bar fight the first night, remember? She's back! She says them anger management classes did her some good. And then there was Mary! Mary was the other 'plus size model' battling with Tocarra last season for 'the big girl spot'. The funny thing is to me (and probably every other black person) is neither of them sisters are big. They are thick, but I guess in model terms they are 'plus size'. Whatever! Anyways Mary is back yall! She is the cutest thing to me!

But how is this for fucked up? I decided to go on UPN's site while they are still introducing the field of like 35 girls. Why when I get there it's only 14 girls on the site?!!?!? And my Mary aint one! Im heartbroken. So among the finalists I got my money on either Naima, Brittany or Lluvy. Stay tuned...

What choo know bout dis here?

Thank you for being a friend.
Travel down the road and back again.
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.
And if you threw a party,
and invited everyone you knew.
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
and the card attached would say,
thank you for being a friend.

Mama Dont Always Know Best

So again...this damn sty on my eye. Did u know that most black people call it a 'star' and not a sty? Yup a little FYI for your ass. It wasnt until my boss at work got one that I heard it referred to as a sty. But thats besides the point.

So I called my mom to ask what to do about this thing. She told me and I quote "Get a cold compress on it, and then take a q-tip and put warm water on it and put it on the sty." I dont think she understood that I have a internal sty that is actually UNDER my eyelid, and not an exernal one which is traditionally on the corner of your eye.

Anyways I go and get a face towel, put an ice cube in it and put it on my eye for about an hour off and on. That was 7pm-8pm. Maaaaaaaan I get to work at like 10:30pm or so and look in the mirror. Why the fuck do I look like Mitch 'Blood' Green after he had that famous Brooklyn street brawl with a young Mike Tyson in the late 80's. Anyone remember that? LOL

Not a good look!

I ended up doing a sty search on google, and I got some good info on how to get rid of it. In actuality it's WARM compresses for 10-15 minutes four times daily. I love my mama...but even they be wrong too.

Some Quotes I Came Across

Very interesting I said.....what do you think?

"Life is a journey. Death is returning home."- Old Chinese Proverb

"God created spirituality. Lucifer made it a point to organize it, calling it religion......from the latin word 'religio', which means to seperate and divide." - Unknown

I Find It Funny

I woke up today with my right eye half closed b/c of a sty thats been forming for the last week. While I didnt really panic....I was a little unsure as to what to do. So I called my mom, and then KK. I just found it a little funny and even cute that I called KK like second nature. I know it's been damn near 4 months since we broke up, but that shit just came natural for me to call her. And the funny thing is.....I dont think that will change for a long time.

5 Things

These are all subject to change at any moment....but as of the moment I type these things, they are what they are. In no particular order......

Top 5 Soul/R&B Albums

1. Michael Jackson - Thriller
2. Jill Scott - Who Is Jill Scott? Words & Sounds Vol. 1
3. New Edition - NE Heartbreak
4. Mary J. Blige - My Life
5. Marvin Gaye - What's Going On?

Top 5 HipHop/Rap Albums

1. N.W.A - Straight Outta Compton
2. Jay-Z - Blueprint
3. Run DMC - Raising Hell
4. LL Cool J - Radio
5. The Fugees - The Score

Top 5 Random Songs

1. Jennifer Holiday - And I Am Telling You
2. Amel Larrieux - Even If
3. MC Lyte - Cha Cha Cha
4. Bob Marley - No Woman No Cry
5. Eminem - Til I Collapse

Top 5 Books

1. Zora Neale Hurston - Their Eyes Were Watching God
2. Michael Moore - Stupid White Men
3. Nikki Giovanni - Selected Poems
4. Laini Mataka -Bein A Strong Black Woman Can Get U Killed
5. Various -Chicken Soup For The Soul

Top 5 TV

1. Martin
2. Chappelle's Show
3. Mad About You
4. The Practice
5. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Top 5 Movies

1. Love Jones
2. Boomerang
3. The Fugitive
4. Bad Boys
5. Carmen Jones

White House Mafia Gang! (Dip, Dip Set!)

Look out when this one drops. I hear it's gonna really start some shit!

Mr Piggy!

I feel like such a pig. I just ate a whole jar of applesauce between commercial breaks for a show I was just watching on tv. A whole jar! 23oz! 1lb, 7oz. yo! Glad I aint trying to lose no weight out this mug.

Abstience = The Answer?

I saw a news report on how the federal government is pretty much only funding Sex Ed. programs that teach abstience and only abstience. And basically I think that is pretty fucked up. In the news report they showed some high school classroom being taught abstience. The only thing was......a handful of the students already have kids! So what's the fucking point?

I think the Sex Ed. programs taught should focus on abstience and prevention and safe sex ya know? Cause anyone being honest with themselves knows that only a handful of students are truly gonna practice abstience. U remember how giddy you were in high schoo, dontcha?l Especially boys. It just doesnt make sense. Its just those old, outta touch fucks passing down and making their 1950 view of the world into laws that affect the current generations. Cant wait for most of them to just keel over and not get back up.

LOL. Was that mean?

I'm we todd ded (Get it?)

So I've been at my place for oh.....10 months or so? Why is it that today, and only today was the first time I stopped to think that I could actually wash and dry more than 1 load of clothes at the same time? When I stayed with my mom, there was one washer and dryer available. I guess I just got used to carrying, washing and drying only one load at a time.

It was today while pressed for time, that I thought "man if I could put a couple loads in at the same time, I'll be able to do what I gotta do." Then as I got off the elevator and walked into laundry room amogst the 15 or so washers and dryers I thought "Duh....you CAN put in more than load, damn idiot!"

Happy Valentine's Day To All!

I just refused to let this 'breakup' get in the way of gettting my baby something for V-Day. Yeah I felt a little weird about the whole situation. But I decided that I woulda felt bad had I not did something.

But in actuality.....I knew I was gonna do something for V-Day a couple months ago. That's when I started gathering CD's for a couple of compliations that I wanted to put together for her. She's loved every CD and tape I've ever made for her...with the exception of 'Hidden Beach Mix Vol. 2' *wink*, so I figured I couldnt go wrong with music. I decided to make some CD's that kinda spoke to how I feel. The songs will say the words and express the feelings a million times better than I ever will. So in addition to the music, I kept it pretty simple. Chocolate, Flowers and a card. Now I know it sounds soooo lame and predictable. But I know for a fact she genuinely loves all those things.

So anyways after I got off work at 7:30am....I took everything over. It felt a tad weird. That was my first time at her place in months. I was soooooooo tired, b/c I had been up all night at work, but I didnt wanna leave. I really really enjoyed just being in her presence.....even with the pregnant pauses in conversation. I wanted to take my work clothes off, leave them on her living room couch, and hop in her bed like I've done a million times before. I dunno....maybe in the future.

But that was my V-Day. Hope you had a happy one.

...Hits Home!

Talk about hilarious and sad at the same time. This Alan Keyes dude is something else! You all remember Mr.Keyes, dontcha? This is the ULTRA conservative homophobe from Maryland that the republicans of Illinois pulled outta their asses outta nowhere to run against Barack Obama for Senator. Of course Obama kicked his ass every kinda way in the election.

You may also remember Keyes blasting Vice Pres. Cheney about his gay daughter. Well what's that Malcolm said about chickens coming home to roost? In a odd and peculiar turn of events, Keyes' own daughter Maya has just come outta the closet. Yup! She's a lesbian. I swear when I heard the story on the news I immediately let out a HUGE laugh. You know this fucker has dis-owned, and kicked her out the house right? How sad is that?

Thievery!

Listen....I guess them Maroon 5 boys are pretty okay, but even THEY knew that Kanye was supposed to take the Grammy for Best New Artist! Did you seem how apprehensive and damn near apologetic homeboy was when they went up to accept the award. The first thing he did was thank Kanye for being 'so awesome' or some shit. That's some straight BS.

Kanye changed commercial hip-hop. Straight up! It's been many-a-moon since a hip-hop artist was able to gain popularity while rapping about something of substance. It wasnt until his 4th single, "New WorkOut Plan" that he went a decidedly silly and party route. The first single "Through The Wire" chronicled his life altering car accident and how he decided to record the song 2 weeks after with his mouth wired shut. The second single "All Falls Down" addressed the materialism that is running rampant in the younger...and hell older generations too. The third single "Jesus Walks"....well that is self explanatory. All Im gon say about that one is....when is the last time you saw or heard of a song talking about God get some spin up in the clubs?!?!?!?!

Listen to the lyrics.....

"....So here go my single dawg/radio needs this/They said you could rap about anything/ except for Jesus/That means guns, sex, lies, videotape/But if I talk about God/my record wont get played, huh?!?!?/Well if this take away from my (radio) spins/which will prolly take away my ends/Then I hope it take away from my sins/and bring the day that im dreamin bout/Next time Im in the club, everybody screaming out..."

And that was in the club yo! It was all over the radio! So instead of your 5 year old daughter/son/niece/newphew talking about "Skeet skeet skeet", finally it's something positive they can sing along with!

Check some of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs on 'The College Dropout' called 'We Dont Care'.....

"You know the kids gonna act a fool/When you stop the programs for after school/And they DCFS/ some of them dyslexic/They favorite 50 Cent song's 12 Questions/We scream, rock, blows, weed, park/ see now we smart/We aint retards the way teachers thought/Hold up hold fast/ we make mo'cash/Now tell my momma I belong in that slow class!/ It's bad enough we on welfare/You trying to put me on the school bus with the space for the wheelchair/Im trying to get the car with the chromy wheels here/You tryin to cut our lights out like we dont live here/Look at what's handed to us/Fathers abandoned us/When we get them hammers/ gon and call the ambulance/Sometimes I feel no one in this world understands us/But we dont care what people say..."

Fuck a Maroon 5. That's 'Ye West's award! Summabitches.

Believe In Miracles!

Brain-Damaged Woman Talks After 20 Years
Sat Feb 12,11:24 PM ET

U.S. National - AP
By ROXANA HEGEMAN, Associated Press Writer

HUTCHINSON, Kan. - For 20 years, Sarah Scantlin has been mostly oblivious to the world around her — the victim of a drunken driver who struck her down as she walked to her car. Today, after a remarkable recovery, she can talk again.

Sarah Scantlin was an 18-year-old college freshman on Sept. 22, 1984, when she was hit by a drunk driver as she walked to her car after celebrating with friends at a teen club. That week, she had been hired at an upscale clothing store and won a spot on the drill team at Hutchinson Community College.

After two decades of silence, she began talking last month. A week ago, her parents got a call from Jennifer Trammell, a licensed nurse at the Golden Plains Health Care Center. She asked Betsy Scantlin if she was sitting down, told her someone wanted to talk to her and switched the phone to speaker mode:
"Hi, Mom."
"Sarah, is that you?" her mother asked.
"Yes," came the throaty reply.
"How are you doing?"
"Fine."
"Do you need anything," her mother asked her later.
"More makeup."
"Did she just say more makeup?" the mother asked the nurse.

The driver who struck Scantlin served six months in jail for driving under the influence and leaving the scene of an accident.

Scantlin started talking in mid-January but asked staff members not to tell her parents until Valentine's Day to surprise them, Trammell said. But last week she could not wait any longer to talk to them.

Scantlin's doctor, Bradley Scheel, said physicians are not sure why she suddenly began talking but believe critical pathways in the brain may have regenerated.

On Saturday, her brother asked whether she knew what a CD was. Sarah said she did, and she knew it had music on it.

But when he asked her how old she was, Sarah guessed she was 22. When her brother gently told her she was 38 years old now, she just stared silently back at him. The nurses say she thinks it is still the 1980s.

Is she happy she can talk? "Yeah," she replied.

What does she tell her parents when they leave? "I love you," she said.

Is Ur Eye Blind Or Trained?

To the blind eye I may come off as obsessive at times.

But the trained eye can tell that Im just very passionate.

There is a very thin line that seperates the two.

Most times Im on the passionate side of the line.

And if ever I shall cross over to the obsessive side

It's only becuz my passion is driving me over there.

Dont worry though....I'll be back.......eventually.

A Prince Quote

"Would U run 2 me if somebody hurt U?.........Even if that somebody was me?"

This Lady

This lady just came in the hotel. She is a homeless woman. Now working overnight...I get my share of the down and out coming through here. But this lady seemed a bit different. Her demeanor was different. She asked if any coats or jackets had been left in our lost and found. She explained that she was homeless and that she was just trying to add some layers to what she had on. I told her that Lost & Found was closed. I gave her my t-shirt that I had in the back office. It was a Roca-wear shirt that I had bought maybe 5 years ago. It wasnt alot, but it was another layer. She gladly accepted it. I asked if there werent any shelters she could go to. She explained that it would be difficult at this time of night (1am). She asked if she could use the washroom. She didnt come back for awhile. I knew she was asleep. I didnt bother her. Normally I wouldnt have let it happen, but she was just so sweet and conversational. I figured I'd give her a little time. Anyways.....about a hour later she came back from the bathroom. She apologized for falling asleep. I assured her it was okay. She asked if I had any change for a cup of coffee. I gave her about a $1.75. She thanked me for everything again as she was leaving. All I could say was "Try to take it easy out there". :-(

I Figured It Out!

It occurred to me when you called to tell me that you do in fact miss me. See I called you first the other day to tell you that I miss you. And I asked if you missed me. And you kinda
non-chalantly played me off. But then...a day and a half later you call me to say that in fact you do miss me. Albeit you said "not enough to get back together".

So in thinking on it...... I know you miss my touch as much as I miss yours. You want me to wrap my arms around you like I used to as bad I want to. You wanna cuddle up in our special spoon where I cup your breast with my hand like we used to. You wanna just chill and eat Leona's (Buffalo Chicken Sandwich, right?) or Jimmy John's (#3Turkey Tom, no tomatoes, extra mayo, correct?) and just be. You and me. I know you want to. I can feel it. It starts as a dull pain in my right big toe. Then it works it way up my body, and just sits there. Right around my temple and continues to throb.

Oh yeah sista! I am no longer fooled, but at the same time I understand. I know you are afraid of extending yourself to me again. You feel you came up with the short end of the stick last time. So I can understand your hesitancy. But know that your icy cool demeanor aint fooling me no more. We're waaaaay too connected for that. I still know you. I still feel you....even after almost 3 months apart.

Ah Ha! ( 'Lovesickness' )

Yeah this could explain A L O T!........either that or I just need a fucking life!!!!

Lovesickness might be just that, experts warn
Sun Feb 6, 7:14 AM ET

Health - AFP
LONDON (AFP) - The concept of lovesickness might be more than just a flighty poetic notion, as it can burden the afflicted with genuine mental trauma, a British psychological study warned.


In the most serious cases the "disease" can prove fatal, the researchers said, calling for lovesickness to be taken more seriously by the medical profession.

For many centuries, the manias, depressions and obsessions associated with romantic love were considered a genuine state of mind rather than an affectation, clinical psychologist and author Dr Frank Tallis said.

However, in the past two centuries lovesickness had fallen out of favour as a proper diagnosis, Tallis said in a report for The Psychologist magazine, the official publication of the British Psychological Society.

In the modern era, while love was still associated with madness, this was only likely to be in the lyrics of a pop song, Tallis noted.

"The average clinical psychologist will not receive referral letters from GPs (general practitioners) and psychiatrists mentioning lovesickness," Tallis said.

"However, careful examination of the sanitised language will reveal that lovesickness may well be the underlying problem.

"Many people are referred for help who cannot cope with the intensity of love, have been destabilised by falling in love, or who suffer on account of their love being unrequited."
Symptoms can include mania, such as elevated moods and inflated self-esteem, depression, or obsessive compulsive disorder, such as repeatedly checking for e-mails.

The most serious cases could lead to suicide, the article said.

"Although there is much modern research into the treatment of relationship and psychosexual problems, there is little dealing with the specific problem of lovesickness," Tallis said.

"Perhaps now is the time for us to take it more seriously and take a lead from those ancient clinicians who diagnosed and treated it like any other complaint."

Blog Subjects

The fact is.....Im so fucking sick of blogging about me and KK. I mean...I love her, I know I fucked up, I want her back...yeah yeah yeah....but there HAS to be SOMETHING ELSE to blog about. Looking over the blog...it makes me look pretty fucking pathetic. I promise you anywhere from 85-90% of this blog has been about her since I started it in August 04. In comparision I'd say that maybe 60% of hers has had something to do with me. I dont even know where this particular blog is going. I just want/need to blog about something else. Shit this is turning into a rant huh?

But what else is there to blog about? Funny thing is....nothing is really moving me or striking me as blog-worthy but her. I guess that's b/c there is really nothing else on my mind. Stepping outside of myself I'd say that those facts are sweet and sad at the same time, huh?

Mary Said.....

"Take your time baby / dont you rush a thing / Dont you know I know / We all are struggling / I know it is hard / But we will get by / And if you dont believe in me / Just believe in 'Him' / Cause He'll give you piece of mind / (Yes He Would!) / And you will see the sunshine / (For real! Yes you would!) / And you'll get to free your mind / And things will turn out fine / (I know that things will turn out fine / (Yes they would, yes the would!)..............."

Mary J. Blige
"My Life"
1994

Yo....Im Tripping Hard!

This is a sure sign I need some.......something. Afterwards I even tripped like "Yo...did I just do that?" So what happened was....I was laying in bed at like 4am. I had been in bed for damn near an hour and I couldnt fall asleep. I had Mary's "My Life" album playing. So of course Im thinking about KK. (Like what the else is my lovestruck ass gon think about at that time of night?)....Anyways I swear on EVERYTHING I LOVE....I turned over and asked MY FATHER for advice!!!!!!!!! I literally turned over and uttered the words...."What should I do Pop?". I even had to laugh myself at that one. I was like "Nigga you know you tripping now!".

Basically to make a long story short......the reason that this is sooooo unusual is I didnt really kick it with my old man since I was about 12 years old. Yup....right at the formative years. Anyways contact was spotty after I graduated 8th grade. And it's not like he lived far away. He was still in the city. Homie just didnt get it popping like that for whatever reason. The tripped out thing is....I didnt really miss him or it didnt bother to me til maybe 3 or 4 years ago. Then I finally tracked him down and the siblings that I didnt really know too well. Anyways he died maybe 8 months after I found him again. Needless to say that there are a lot of unresolved issues there. And the sucky thing is Im pretty much left to work them out amongst myself.

But shit....that's life I guess. I just thought it funny as shit for me to roll over and ask advice of him. That would definitely constitute me tripping hard!

Shouts out to 'Chell for the wisdom!

Every now and again....you truly need the opinion from someone on the outside looking in. At times they truly have the best view to see some shit that you cant see cuz you are knee deep in it. Feel me? Like the whole 'cant see the forest for the trees' saying. Anyways....in this particular case I had already come to understand everything told to me. It was just good to hear it re-inforced for the like the umpteenth time I guess. I've come to learn everything said in the hardest way possible....cuz apparently thats how I choose to learn things. So here's a tiny excerpt from the convo......


chell: she may have been putting up with all that heartache..who knows for how long..so cause you showed her your tears one day, may not be enough...she held on for as long as she could with that heartache that it doesn't equal out to just u kissin her ass for the 2months ya'll been broken up. that kiss alone is HUGE! THAT SHIT HURTS!! you gotta do alot more suffering cause you ain't even close to what she felt when ya'll were together

tj1177: DAMN ARE U CHANNELING HER THROUGH UR BODY?

chell: not that i think she wants to put you thru pain but..

chell: maybe if you felt what she felt..you'll understand why she's doing what she's doing now

tj1177: probably

chell: sorry don't mean to council u on this lol

tj1177: no no....i appreciate this

chell: cool

tj1177: this is maaaaaad helpful

tj1177: you dont even know

Wow! When she first typed this...I just knew that KK had secretly flown to the Yay and jumped on Chell's comp and started typing to me. It's EVERYTHING KK had been saying for soooooooooooo long.

Can I just re-iterate how much of a fucking idiot I am? Thanks! Teej you are a piece of work boy! God surely only made one of you. Anyone out there reading...if you listen close enough...that sound you hear is of me kicking myself!

Erykah 3

I feel kinda funny when I constantly post song lyrics to my blog sometimes. But shit...it's mine. And anything or song I post is really truly something I am feeling at that moment. So with that said......

all I got to say is
It wont let go

you can pray to early May
fast for 30 days
still It wont let go

got a good book and got all in it
tried a little yoga for a minute
but it wont let go

tried to turn the sauna up to hotter
drank a whole jar of holy water
but it wont let go........

Now if THAT aint truth I dont know what is. Lordhavemercyhallelujah!

Vultures!

KK blogged about LOVING Mario's song 'Let Me Love You' a couple of weeks ago. And every since then I swear I aint been able to listen to that shit! LOL. The thought of some misc. nigga up in her ear singing that makes me wanna jump outta my 10th floor window! For real! UGGHHH! That, Carl Thomas's 'Make It Alright', Mary J's 'I Can Love You', and well....you get the drift. I feel like such an asshole.....as well I should.

I took her to lunch last week for her birthday. I told her how fucking stupid I am and feel. Would you believe I got so emotional that I even cried? Yo....FYI.....The Teej doesnt really do the cry thing. Not hardly. I usta think there was something wrong with my tearducts at one point. But I had been thinking the night before our lunch of what I'd say. So when I got to her face...I was able to get most of it out. And it was just alot. I hope she knows I was sincere. KK....I was sincere! LOL.

Anyways back to the vultures. I dont want them circling around her....as I bet they are. Preying upon her and shit. The simple fact is....I KNOW I can do better. And that's probably the part that fucks with me the most. That and just knowing I hurt her. The combination of the 2 makes me wanna do bodily harm to myself. That's how much I really am tripping like....'Nigga you's an asshole'. I just hope...eventually....I get the chance to do better by her. She deserves so much more. And I know I can give it to her.

Done.

Boo hoo......hoo!

Today is KK's birthday, and Im no longer a part of helping her to celebrate it and the such. That sucks! Cuz she's someone I still think the world of and she is one of the few people I'm truly willing to ride for. Anyways the whole thing makes me sad, but I made my bed. I suppose I get to lay in it now, huh?

Happy Birthday Poop!

A 2nd Word To The Wise

If your friend is moving to Texas (or anywhere outta state for that matter) and they offer to give you ALL their food in their 'frig....RESPECTFULLY DECLINE that shit son!

A friend from High School moved to Texas, so I stopped by her place to see her off and say goodbye. She offered me EVERYTHING in her kitchen! Wow! Free food? Hells Yeah! We packed that shit up and she drove me to my crib. I thought I had hit a lick! I dont even know if I bothered to ask how long she had had the food. I guess I just assumed she wouldnt knowingly gimme any bad food. This was like 2 weeks ago.

Well last night I cooked some of the perch she gave me. The bag was unopened so I figured it was cool. I made perch, mashed potatoes and spinach. Had me a nice glass of OJ to go with it. My co-worker said the fish and OJ is where I went wrong. Anyways I ate at 8pm and went to bed at 4am feeling fiiiiine. I didnt wake up feeling so hot though. I woke up with the runs, a bad case of heartburn, a headache and my whole fucking body hurt. I just knew I was gonna throw up on the bus. Im lucky I didnt die.

I mean the fish didnt smell bad when i thawed it out though. Anways, when I get home...Im throwing ALL THAT SHIT AWAY yo!

A Word To The Wise...

..if you think you may can be somewhat of an impulse spender/shopper...lemme tell you. Alcohol, Credit Cards, and Late Night Infomercials DO NOT MIX AT ALL!!!

To make a long story short....it was Saturday night. I had just came home from hanging out with friends. I was just a lil tipsy. I caught the tail end of a some sorta tribute to Quincy Jones. It was like 4am when it went off. I shoulda went to bed. Now if my cable was on I wouldnt have did it. But since it wasnt...I was just working with the basic channels. I decided to give the channels just one last flick through. And then......Peabo Bryson's big forehead ass pops up on my screen. Now I fucks with Peabo! I had to see what my man was talking about. Turns out her was pitching a Time Life CD series on Classic Ballads from the 60's, 70' and 80's! Awww man! Now Im in trouble. I knew it. I shoulda turned it off or turned the station, but I had to hear what they were coming with. Before I know it...Im in my living room J A M M I N on the O N E! Ya hear me! 8 CD's of classic soul shit...all for incredibly low price of 4 easy payments of $29.99!?!?!?! PLUS...if I order with a credit card I get 2 more CD's of Classic Soul Duets for FREE! That's a total of 10 shits!!!! I aint ED O.G & THE BULLDOGS but....I GOTSA HAVE IT!

So I dial the number...I get some black chick named Carmen. I start to tell her I'm interested in purchasing the Classic Soul CD series, and the mu'fucking cell phone cuts off! Now honestly I took that as a sign from God. 'Teej...this isnt for you my son!" But the infomercial was still on my TV. So I dialed again. Can you believe that? I over-wrote GOD! Jeez! Then I get some spanish chick who I can barely understand named Ismeta or something. I order the shit....and you know it aint that simple. I turned down like 2 additional offers for other shit I didnt need. But she somehow bullied me into accepting my 3 free 3 month subscriptions to magazines of my choice. I took Ebony, Essence and GQ. At the end of the 3 months if I dont call and cancel those subscriptions you know they will automatically renew those shits with my CC, right?

WTF? Just say no!

Kicking Off The New Year

So you wanna know how I kicked off my first of the year? I did some good and some bad.

Since I worked overnight on NYE, I got home on New Years Day at like 9am-ish. I slept til about 3pm and I got up and for some strange reason caught the cleaning bug. I was off. Bathroom? Done! Kitchen/Dishes? Done! Living room? Done! I even got some organizational work done too. Whew! By time I was done I looked up and it was 7pm. So my cleaning up was the good part.

Now as I always do when Im home on a Saturday at around 7pm I scanned the channels to see if any movies I had been wanting to catch were coming on. I saw one that I had heard alot about. It's called "30 Years To Life". It stars Melissa De Soussa, Erika Alexander, Allen Payne, Tracy Morgan, Paula Jai Parker, TE Russell and Kadeem Hardison. It's basically about the trials and tribulations of a group of friends all whom are approaching 30 and how they deal with the impending milestone.

I had planned on cooking earlier, but I couldnt cook cuz the movie was coming on. I needed to eat. Oh what was I to do? I stooped to a new all time low is what I did. With not much to snack on I didnt have too many options. There was one piece of turkey bologna so I made a sandwich, but I'm 6'5 230 lbs! That wasnt gonna do. Im figuring since it's a holiday I know I'll eat for free when I get to work in another 4 hours. I just need something to hold me til then. To make a long story short....I ended up eating my little sandwich with 2 cans of tuna. Straight out the can. With a fork! I felt so pathetic. I dont even know if I was supposed to do that. I had lead poisioning as a kid and I was told to never eat stuff outta those cans. But oh well....what's done is done. Pretty pathetic huh?

And / A Question

...And he was screaming at the top of his lungs "I'm still learning. I'm still growing. I'm getting there!"
And she replied "Well Im there already. I already know what you are still learning!"
And he didnt really have a reply for that. How could he really?

So a question came to mind.....If the one that God has made for you isnt ready when you are, then what? Do you exercise a supreme measure in patience and bide your time and wait? Or do you move on and find someone else with the chance that that other someone isnt quite your 'as of yet not quite ready' first?

Hello '05

"Last year was a hard one/but life goes on/bumping my head against the wall/learning right from wrong..." - 2Pac

What up '05? Let me give you a quick run down on some things that I plan to do during your calendar run....

* Take VIP-TV up a notch or two - Yeah we made moves in '04 re-appearing in a big way. But we're gonna make even bigger strides in '05. You just wait and see.

* Get that credit together - I can see 30! It's about that time mister.

(Speaking of which...."A nigga been focused since I said hi to 30!" - Jay Z)

* Getting more focused - on everything! And maintaining that focus also!

*Figure out what KK and I are doing - We cant continue on this see saw we're on now. Will the love be enough to sustain? Can we both make the necessary changes needed for us to do this for real?

*Look into finishing school - Yeah I felt Kanye, but I still have the desire to finish. When I left I was too damn close. 31 credits aint shit son!

* Health - Not only am I gonna resume my workout regime that I abandoned oh so long ago...but Im gon eat better. I swear!!!! And since I got health insurance now....I'd best take advantage of it.

*Following through - I KNOW I have some dope ideas and the such. I HAVE to do a better job of following through and listening to my instinct.

* Misc shit - Modeling? Poetry book? Maybe an event or 2? You got shit to do homie! 5 seconds is up.....LET'S GO!

Goodbye '04

You taught me alot this year. You really grew my ass up a whole lot. Now if I had any sense in my big ol head at all....I'll take the lessons learned and apply them in the new year. See ya in '05!

Follow Your Instincts

So we had a good, albeit brief, but still good conversation late last week. We both agreed it was one of the better conversations we had had in a loooooong time.

And then in the next convo I can remember between us....I ask about possibly going to the show, and the reception is chilly at best! I felt like my head was bit off basically. So that was that.

Then the next day I get an email from KK that pretty much warns me that she is still very very angry with me. Okay cool. You are still angry with me. The asking about going to the show triggered a memory that pissed you off. Cool. Understandable.

Then the next day (last night) I go to read KK's blog and among other things on her list to do for the new year I read where she says something about finding her 'knight in amor' or whatever. Basically I took that to mean she had just totally abandoned and given up all hope for me. Shit..wouldnt you? So needless to say that didnt make me feel good at all.....AT ALL

So then KK calls me last night about 10pm-ish. I didnt answer. I just didnt feel like dealing, ya know? From time to time everyone feels that way I'd imagine. She leaves a vcmail like 'Hey! I havent talked to you in minute. I feel like we will never talk again if I dont call you. Gimme a call"

Huh? But you had just emailed me yesterday saying you were still very very angry with me? So I called myself backing off to give you space to breathe or whatever til you werent as angry.

Then KK calls my phone about 4 times at like 2am-ish. Now honestly....my gut told me to pick it up. I just didnt though. (Mental note for '05...go with them good instincts you have boy! There's a whole lotta shit that coulda been avoided had you followed your first/gut instinct.) I just didnt have the strength honestly. So I didnt answer. I waited to see if there was vcmail this time but it wasnt. I assured myself that if it had been an emergency she woulda left a message after calling and hanging up 4 times. She didnt leave a message though.

So how was I supposed to know she got pickpocketed? Crazy, right? I just talked to her a few minutes ago and she told basically 'thanks for being there when I really needed ya!' So now I of course feel like the kinda shit you feel like when you let someone you really love down. But damn could I have gotten a message? When did it happen? Did you go out by yourself between 10pm and 2am? That aint your MO! WTF? But as of this moment I cant get any answers cuz she's pissed I didnt answer my phone. ARGGGGGGGGGH!

I say all that to say...Follow your instincts peoples. They are usually on point!

About Your Intention

Wisdom is sudden
Hindsight is 20/20

I can understand why you were super angry, upset and pissed.
If it wasnt for all the red spew I spoke and sprinkled shit with
you would have been able to see more than the red.
It wasnt my intention to put push you towards your torture limits.
You had had your fill of me.
I could tell.
And so I sorta just fell back
and waited for the anger to subside.

Wisdom is sudden
Hindsight is 20/20

I can understand the need to think clearly
see straight, and get your life back.
It's hard when you fall so hard so fast
that you almost lose yourself.
I know. I've seen it. I've done it.
I understand.

Wisdom is sudden
Hindsight is 20/20

It worked.
I do miss you
yearn for you
appreciate you even more
now that I dont have you to call my own
(Funny how it always works that way, huh?
Or maybe it aint so funny.)
All I did need was you
and strangely enough I knew that already
I didnt HAVE TO lose you to know that
I can even explain why I didnt act like it
but I did know.

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

So here's to us moving pass the
hurt
pain
anger
jealous

Here's to us to us
being the very best us that we can be...for us
(I still pray for that daily!)

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

You were right.
We couldnt go on the way were
Who should have to go on that way?
I saw you step back to get a better look
BUT
It seems you stepped back so far that you
didnt see me grab the mirror
and go over myself with the precision of a microscope.
Not one of those 5th grade science joints.
I'm talking one of those white lab coat $20 mil cure for cancer joints
I saw some shit yo.

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

We do seem to get crossed up and confused alot.
We often say the same thing in vastly different ways
So different in fact that we get into arguements
How crazy is that!
That's us though.
Love it or hate it
I always thought that it wasnt such a huge problem
that a little more communication on both parts couldnt solve .

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

My intentions?
My intention is to continue to take this time to reflect
Continue to put my sudden wisdom to good use
Continue to look at myself with my expensive microscope
Continue to try to make me the best me for you.

When you want/need something
that for whatever reason you can not have
I think it is only human nature to substitute it
for whatever gets you through the moment of need.
I think.

I know your intentions werent
to be lonely or be sad
or make me lonely or sad
We are both good people.
This I know for sure.
It just so happens that even good people
do things that go against our intentions.
Some of us more than others
Again...this I know for sure.

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

23,000 and counting? WTF?!!??

What the fuck is going on when over 23,000 people can be killed by an act of nature? That shit is ridiculous. There were approx. 3,000 people killed in the WTC terrorist attacks. But over 23,000? And that toll is expected to rise during and after clean up and recovery efforts!!! That shit is mindblowing to me. The tragic lost of life is always sad, but when that many people die at the same time.......just wow! I had never heard of a Tsunami before now. They have a name for every fucking thing. But according to stats.....Tsunami's are the most dangerous of all the natural disasters. Fuck a hurricane, earthquake and tornando! Yo say a prayer and hold on tight to your loved ones. None of this life is promised.

I'm

I'm sad
I'm angry
I'm lost
I'm lonely
I'm reaching (out)
I'm searching

I'm tired
I'm restless
I'm moody
I'm shaky
I'm unsure
I'm still (sad)

I'm stubborn
I'm relentless
I'm hopeful
I'm anticipating

I'm regretful

I'm stupid

I'm done

DPT or PDT?

I decided that I AM NOT a pretty dirty thing. I AM IN FACT a dirty pretty thing. Now take all the time you need to chew on and digest that one. And get back to me on it.

*Posted after watching the movie "Dirty Pretty Things".

Fate Fucks Up Too!

So I guess the consensus is.....KK and I are kinda leaving it up to fate. Like 'If we're supposed to be together, we'll find a way to get it back together'. But you know sometimes fate fucks up too. Like there are alot of lil kids that died earlier or got killed. I'm sure that couldnt have been their fate. So I dont trust fate's ass 100% by no means.

I forgot the saying but it's something about 'Faith without works...'. You know what I mean? Like having faith without actually working or making some strides toward what ever you are putting your faith in is pointless.

I dunno just a thought that came across my mind.

I want ass!!!!

Comedian Steve Harvey, who has become close friends with Michael Jackson, told EUR why he doesn't believe past sexual molestation charges against the singer.

"See here's the deal," Steve said, "if you rape my son, my son, you can't give me no money. I want you. You can't buy me out. And real men and real people who have real families feel that way. If somebody molests your daughter, you're not buying none of that. That's how real people are. So how all of a sudden is some money gonna buy them off?

"You don't get the whole 20 [million]," Steve continued. "The lawyer's gonna get half of that. Then by the time you pay the taxes, you understand where you're at? You sayin', 'So it's okay to rape my son for $2 million?' That's how I know it's fake; it's just about money. Because real parents love their children so [much], that you can't do nothing to them and get away with it.
I want ass. You do something to my son, I'm getting yo' ass. You not paying me off, I'm getting yo' ass. Trust me. I want you to go to prison, so I can call some of my cats I know that's down there so I can make your life hell for 14 years."

The Thing Is....

I guess the bottom line is I hope she is still as hopeful as I am of us getting back together. Like I just hope she doesnt lose the love she has for me. That's the main thing I am fearful of. And I wondering if she is feeling the same way. Does she have the same fear? Does she fear that I may find someone else to be with and forget all about her....like I fear she might.

Some of 'Song Cry'

I can understand why you want a divorce now/Though I can't let you know it/pride won't let me show it/Pretend to be heroic/that's just one to grow with/But deep inside a nigga so sick

We was so happy poor/but when we got rich/That's when our signals got crossed/and we got flipped/Or rather mine/I don't know what made me leave that shit/Made me speed that quick/let me see .../that's it

......so what was oh so special then/You have given away without gettin at me/That's your fault/ow many times you forgiven me?/how was I to know that you was plain sick of me?/ know the way a nigga livin was wack/but you don't get a nigga back like that!/Shit I'm a man with pride/you don't do shit like tha/tYou don't just pick up and leave /and leave me sick like that/You don't throw away what we had/just like that/I was just flirtin with them girls/I was gon' get right back/They say you can't turn a bad girl good/But once a good girl's goin bad/she's gone forever/I'll mourn forever/Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever......

Just A Simple Question.

Do you feel as incomplete as I do?

My Minnesota Trip

So I guess I should start by saying that for the most part my cousin is okay. See this all started when a little bit b4 Thanksgiving she was having some type of pain and asked someone for a painkiller or something. Well whatever she was given was no damn painkiller. Next thing we know the poor child is in a Target Dept. Store trying to set her own hair on fire. Crazy, right? So after spending Thanksgiving weekend in the fucking psyche ward, it seems that whatever had worn off. But since then she seems to go in out of spells. My 2 1/2 days up there I had been kinda observing her and whatnot. At times she seemed normal, and then other times she was talking crazy and acting paranoid and shit. Im hoping it's not dementia or whatever you call it. Im hoping that it's just the side effect of whatever she was given. Also she gave me one of the pills that she was given so we are gonna have that checked out. She and her boys actually came back down here with me, so we are gonna have this whole mess situated in a bit.

But can I tell yall about my trip up there? 2 things.....For one...I had never really been THAT near Amish people. About 8 of them mugs was on the bus with me. Im a pretty open-minded guy. I respect all religions and cultures and what not. But yall know them mugs dont use deodorant, right? So that's all I have to say about that!

And two....I came outta sooooo much $$$ on this lil impromptu trip. Like a little bit more than $400!!!! My round trip ticket was $116. Plus I took out about $100 pocket cash. $30 of which I used for the cab from the bus station to her crib! I never had a $30 cab ride yo! N E V E R!!! Then I spent $196 for the bus tickets for my cousin and her 2 boys to come back down. So we all get here at about 7am. My uncle picks us up and drops ME off at my place. I dont even know where they went. Either my mama's or my granny's....honestly I dont care. I did my part. I got them down here in one piece. I know that is wrong, but I been wanting some Teej Time since I got there damn near. Anyways I get home to discover that my home phone is off. (By the way I'd like to take this time to send a big FUCK YOU to MTI. I'm soooo through with yall, it dont even make sense!). And also...I found a 5 day notice from my building managers. Yup Young Teej is/was tardy on that young rent. Dont fret. My family already offered to help reimburse me, so I'll be taking care of the rent situation on Monday....if they come through. Sad to say...but I cant discount the word 'trife' when being used to describe my family. But Im the T to the mu'fuckin! You know I'll be okay......

P.S. Shout to my lil cousin Jamela! Oh how I love that lil girl. She was telling me about the school play that she is in this week. She was showing me her lil dance/song number thingy. It goes..... "1 2 3 4 we wont dont wanna fight your war. 5 6 7 8 let's my peace and love not hate". Or something like that.

And God said.....

......"Hmmmmm Mr. Teej. I dont know if you've been through any shit as of late. Let me see what I can muster up to throw at you. Let's see here.....I'll start out light. Now your little brother is just getting outta boot camp. Why dont I throw the pressure of trying to help him get his life in order on your shoulders. Yeah! And how about I add your sisters. Let's see I'll make the youngest one act out in school and face expulsion, and the middle one is getting ready to graduate. Why dont I add a lil pressure of helping her find a job and prep for college on ya. But that's just the light load. Ready for the heavier stuff? Okay we'll add the health concerns you have for yourself. You got that one cyst in your wrist, but that's been there for years. But I'll start making your wrist real stiff. Hey...gotta switch it up a bit ya know? And I just added that second cyst to your right foot not too long ago. Plus that one lump in your back. Yeah that oughta get your mind to running at hypocondriac levels. Ooh and I know that unease feeling that's been in your chest for a couple of months now is really fucking with you! But wait there is more....Ha Ha! You thought that was it, didnt you? Silly silly boy! Hells no! I got a little bit more I wanna assign to you. You know that woman you love the shit out of? Imma make you look like a total dick to her. Yup....if only for a little bit. You are going to make her hate you. Misunderstandings, miscommunication, the whole 9. Fuck the jamaica trip. Fuck your future plans nigga! You just better hope she speaks to you by time you make your solo voyage down there. AND as my grande finale. You know remember your favorite big cousin? Yeah her! Imma make her go C R A Z Y! Yall already found her in a department store bathroom trying to set her own hair on fire, right? Okay so this wont be as bad as that...but still. Imma just gonna make her crazy paranoid and restless. On some ol crack-head shit. Yeah! Matter fact....Imma make her so on the edge of insanity that you feel you HAVE TO to go up there yourself in the middle of the week just to make sure she and her boys are alright. Yup...you'll be on the greyhound for 8 hours both ways. Bring some cd's and books to get you through the trip alright? How do you like that? I know you cant afford it. And your financial situation is already delicate, but fuck it! Everyone has to go through their shit and it's your turn nigga!"

Sincerely,

GOD

Just Cause I Need To Blog About Something Else...

lyrics from Masta Ace's verse in song "Crooklyn" of the soundtrack of the same name. Just cause it was in my head all night.

"Im getting a rottweiler / without a collar/ get off my block / or you give me a dollar!"

"I think I saw Raj and Re-Run runnin up the block/ from Dwayne and Dwayne had a glock/ cuz he be selling rocks for the Patridge Family / and Ruben Kincaid drives a 300 E!"


Oooooh and this song too!

"Fa La La La La Bamba! Yo no soy marineo! Yo no soy marieno. El Capitan. El Capitan!"

Hey it's my blog and I can post lyrics to La Bamba if I damn well please.

Trust / What If...?

There's a quote that says "The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him."

So knowing that I have made mistakes that fractured the trust before.....What if one day you were able to say to me "You know what TJ? I trust you! I have faith that you know what you have in me, and that you wont do a thing in the world to fuck it up! This is your last chance. Put up or shut up. Nigga!"

What if huh?

Getting It Off My Chest

I am really trying to find some peace!

I need to find a peace of mind....and soon! People keep asking me what's wrong with me? Like I thought I was doing a pretty good job of masking the hurt that is within but apparently not. That shit is on my face and in my voice....even when I think it isnt.

KK and I just got off the phone. She told me to not bother calling her. Again. Never.Ever. Whoa! That shit just hit like a ton o' bricks! I cant even fathom.

About 2-3 weeks ago I told a friend that I was a 'fan' of a friend of hers. Now keep in mind that at this time KK and I were still in the middle of 'blah' land. I mean she had already told me once before that she wasnt attracted to me or whatever. This was a little before our final 'we're gonna give each other space' talk, but still waaaay after our 'we arent really together : we dont know what we're doing" phase. Now this friend of a friend I had never spoken with before. I had only known of her by hearing our mutual friend speak of her and I had seen her picture. So again....I mentioned to our mutual friend that I was a 'fan' (meaning basically I thought she was cute). So the mutual friend relayed the message and I guess she felt the same way. Now I know thus far it sounds like a hook-up but it isnt. I swear. LOL. Anyways mutual friend says she was told to give me new friend's IM. So new friend and I speak via IM. We talk about our respective relationship situations and the such, etc. Give each other the opposite sexes point of view and the whole nine. We had already discussed and come to an understaning that neither of us was trying to hook up. For one both of our hearts pretty much belong to others, for two it's long distance and three we just both arent trying to go there. But we agreed it would be cool to have a new friend to talk to. And yeah I have a bunch of friends, but different people provide different perspectives, and you never know what kinda knowledge you will be blessed with from whom. And that may sound like a plea or cop out, but it is what it is.

And KK if you are reading this....I get the feeling that there is a underlying issue here of you feeling like Im trying to 'replace your face'. And that Im trying to do it really soon, like (before the book even closes on us) soon so to speak. Point blank...that couldnt be farther from the truth. It will be a long time before I even think of trying to seriously see another. Im stuck on you. And you know me. Im hard-headed. When I think Im right, you know you could balance a 747 on your pinky before you could change my mind. So while I miss you more than you could possibly know...I refuse to be hoiled up in my apartment wallowing in some induced self pity shit. I did that once before. It wasnt fun. And that's not to say Im about to cocoon into some social butterfly either. Im just saying please dont mistake me talking or hanging out with others as my getting over you or trying to replace you. Im probably burdening them with my problems. LOL.

I WANNA SCREAM!!!!

"Where do broken hearts go?/Can they find their way home?/Back to the open arms/Of a love that's waiting there/And if somebody loves you/Won't they always love you?/I look in your eyes/And I know that you still care for me....."

I cant believe Im fucking posting Whitney Houston lyrics!!!! What the fuck is wrong with me? Or at least I cant believe Im posting the lyrics to "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?"!! Why not "It's Not Right But It's Okay" or some shit. Why that? Im at work and that song came on...and that part in the chorus just stuck out to me. I wanna hear X-Tina's "Beautiful". I NEED to hear that one. The bottom-cant get no more bottomer-line is I love the girl. I want it to be just her and I. I've made some mistakes to where we cant be together right now, but I dont wanna go back and forth placing blame and screaming at each other and what not. Can a nigga just get some peace of mind? Recollect myself with a clear head and proceed?

I need some George Michael "One More Try" in my life.....

"I've Had Enough Of Danger/And people on the streets/I'm looking out for angels/Just trying to find some peace...."

Just For The Record!

Contrary to what you may think....I AM NOT some serial woman-meeter. Like I dont get up and plot on different ways that I can meet X amount of women on any given day. See I think I know where the communication in us talking about this particular subject is breaking down at. It may be found in our respective definitions of 'friend'. Maybe I use the word too easy. I dunno. Like I guess it doesnt take a whole whole lot for me to consider someone a 'friend'. I have a lot of friends. I dont have a lot of 'peoplez'. There is a big difference. Friends to me are expendable damn near. My Peoplez arent! So yes I can make friends really really easy. It takes awhile for me to consider someone my peeps.

So again I meet alot of people and a good proportion of them are women. Yup! But shit Im sorry. Fucking take me out back and shoot me already why dont ya?

One....I already told you that I know where I went wrong and crossed the line when the innocent flirting became not so innocent. I learned my lesson there. Yeah I learned it the very hard way, but please believe I learned it.

So in closing....please dont paint me as JUST HAVING to constantly meet new women and not knowing what to do with myself if I dont meet someone new today. That aint me. That's a mutant form of me that you have created in your mind. Fin.

Something I came across

We must talk until there are no words
We must explain until everything is understood
We must be honest until nothing is hidden
We must listen until everything has been said
We must question so that we know why
We must be fair so that everyone`s basic needs are met

If there is no communication there is no bond
If there is no bond there will be no relationship

Fiddy I Feel Ya!

"I'm innocent in my head/ like a baby born dead."

"The Lord's blessings leave me obviously inclined/shit I aint even gotta try to shine/ God's the seamtress that tailor fitted my plans."

'I grew up without my pops/ should that make me bitter?

Alfie

There's a pivotal scene in the movie 'Alfie' where Alfie has to face the best friend that he deeply hurt by sleeping with his girl and impregnating her. See Alfie was the guy too damn charming for his own good. And basically his charm got him in trouble. He was a good natured guy, but he seemed to get in trouble nonetheless. Anyways at the end of the scene Alfie is apologizing to his best friend and he's sorta speechless cuz he sees the hurt in his boy's eyes. And Alfie is like "I'm sorry. I never meant......" And his boy says "I know you never meant to hurt me. But YOU DO hurt people Alfie!" Whoa! That shit blew me away! And the crazy shit is/was I was totally relating to Alfie in how his charm kinda got him in trouble even when he didnt mean for it to. Unfortunately I can relate. If Im not mistaken...he ended up alone at the end of the movie. This aint the movie though dog. I aint got no pre-written script I gotta follow. Im the director of this here production of Teej's life. I can change and edit and re-write where I see fit. And I aint really feeling the 'lonely' ending. Therefore Im starting on my re-writes right now. Thanks.

Emotion

(I know this is pretty lame, but this song has been in head for almost 2 days now. Since KK and I had our last 'us' talk on Saturday evening. Bare with me.......)

It's over and done
but the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
instead of me tonight?

And where are you now?
now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow
wherever you go
I'll cry me a river
that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
it's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
lost in the song
but if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
don't you know there's nobody
left in this world to hold me tight
nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side
I'm part of all the things you are
But you've (got a part of someone else?)
You've got to find your shining star

And where are you now
now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow
wherever you go
I'll cry me a river
that leads to your ocean
You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
it's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
lost in the song
but if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
don't you know there's nobody
left in this world to hold me tight
nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

Wanted (A Most Basic Emotion)

When thinking on it
All I (and possibly everyone else in the world) ever really wanted is to be wanted.

And it seems to me
That being wanted by the person you want
Is one of the most natural wants there ever was

So to be told by the one person that you want to want you
That they aren’t attracted to you
(which is basically saying that they don’t want you in so many words, or so it would seem to me)

….well that just doesn’t really help you
To feel as wanted as you’d like to feel, now does it?

Thanks to Xania...

...for contributing to another purchase of a impulse buyer in denial. This 'Gaelle' chick better be the hot shiznit!

Soda or Pop?

I told my co-worker that I was going downstairs to go get a 'pop'. She looked at me like I was crazy and told me to hold out my hand and she'd give me a pop alright. She corrected me and told me I was going to get a 'soda'. I in turn looked at her like she was crazy and informed her that I was not mistaken. I was going to get a 'pop' dammit!

She's a black woman...she got like 5 years on me and she's from THE CHI'.......so where in the world does she get off referring to it as 'soda'??? This aint 1963 yo! Who calls it 'soda' but people in rural areas where you gotta walk a mile and a half to go speak to your neighbor? Especially in in Chicago. I promise it's only 2 kinds of people who've I heard refer to it as 'soda'....

1. Non-blacks (as stereotypical as it may sound)....and lemme take that back....southern black may call it soda or soda pop down there.

2. All other races and ANYONE on TV.

Maybe it's just a really 'urban' sounding word, but thinking back on it....I cant not recall EVER hearing it on TV. Funny now....I feel like the fucking minority in this. LOL.

26 Ways To Love A Woman

1. Be faithful to her
2. Kiss her
3. Hold her
4. Compliment her
5. Caress her
6. Listen to her
7. Laugh with her
8. Make hersmile
9. Make her scream your name
10. Appreciate her
11. Surprise her
12. Arouse her
13. Educate her
14. Acknowledge her
15. Accept her
16. Believe in her
17. Pamper her
18. Want her
19. Understand her
20. Pray with her
21. Grow with her
22. Communicate with her
23. Confide in her
24. Facinate her
25. Suceed with her
26. Above all others love her

Seems simple enough huh?

As Spoken By Eminem....

"Some times u just feel tired. You feel weak...like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you. You gotta just find that inner strength and just pull that shit outta you. Get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter....no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse"

And that's how I feel. I am not a quitter. When I believe something strongly....you'd be able push a mountain a couple of inches before you get me to change my mind. Stubborn as shit. Just how I am. And so there are times when I feel like me and KK are hopeless. But aint a soul alive that can convince me that we arent right for each other. That's how strong I believe the love is. Yes we have problems, issues, and all that shit, but still! I dont personally think there is an issue or disagreement that cant be resolved. And so there are times when I feel like shit is hopeless...but I swear that shit lasts for like a half hour and then I regain focus and hope and faith. And that's just it. That's what it will be until I decide it's pointless to keep trying. And yo...I am soooo far from that. Please believe!

U gotta know....

.......that when it gets right down to it, I'm trying to make love not war with you. And you gotta know that I am even MORE sensitive these days to hurting you. Like I am exxxxxxtra careful not to do anything that I think may even REMOTELY hurt you. Thinking twice and even a third time 'fore I do or even say some shit. And that's really that. What more is there for me to do?

You sumamabitch you!

Do you see Pizza on the goddamn room service menu? Then why is your ignorant ass calling me asking if we have it?

Goodbye!

I cant deal. I'm going next door to Walgreens for some Mike & Ike's!!!!

This Aint The Gap Band But.....

....'You Dropped A Bomb On Me"!

So.........KK made up her mind that she's gonna move to either ATL or LA by the beginning of the summer! WTF!!! It aint like I didnt know that moving away was on her mind.

However....(oh yes there is a 'however') I was under the assumption that it was a couple years away. I can deal with a couple years away. Shit, I may be looking to move then. Im just getting my show to make some moves for me now. I cant leave in 6-8 months!!! Again I knew it was on her mind, BUT....this coming summer is sooooo soon. It really puts a timeline on shit, ya know?

On one hand...I dont want her to go. That's my selfish side. Like if she goes...it woulda sorta seem like she is giving up on us, feel me?

But on the other hand....I am all for following your heart. If in your heart of hearts....you REALLY REALLY feel this is the thing to do....then as your friend and someone that loves you, I want you to be happy. So go little bird...be free!

..but what about me? Oh what a situation to be in, huh? So I guess there is nothing else to do but to make the most of the time we have together.

Pardon me....I think I'll go play in traffic or something...