Getting It Off My Chest

I am really trying to find some peace!

I need to find a peace of mind....and soon! People keep asking me what's wrong with me? Like I thought I was doing a pretty good job of masking the hurt that is within but apparently not. That shit is on my face and in my voice....even when I think it isnt.

KK and I just got off the phone. She told me to not bother calling her. Again. Never.Ever. Whoa! That shit just hit like a ton o' bricks! I cant even fathom.

About 2-3 weeks ago I told a friend that I was a 'fan' of a friend of hers. Now keep in mind that at this time KK and I were still in the middle of 'blah' land. I mean she had already told me once before that she wasnt attracted to me or whatever. This was a little before our final 'we're gonna give each other space' talk, but still waaaay after our 'we arent really together : we dont know what we're doing" phase. Now this friend of a friend I had never spoken with before. I had only known of her by hearing our mutual friend speak of her and I had seen her picture. So again....I mentioned to our mutual friend that I was a 'fan' (meaning basically I thought she was cute). So the mutual friend relayed the message and I guess she felt the same way. Now I know thus far it sounds like a hook-up but it isnt. I swear. LOL. Anyways mutual friend says she was told to give me new friend's IM. So new friend and I speak via IM. We talk about our respective relationship situations and the such, etc. Give each other the opposite sexes point of view and the whole nine. We had already discussed and come to an understaning that neither of us was trying to hook up. For one both of our hearts pretty much belong to others, for two it's long distance and three we just both arent trying to go there. But we agreed it would be cool to have a new friend to talk to. And yeah I have a bunch of friends, but different people provide different perspectives, and you never know what kinda knowledge you will be blessed with from whom. And that may sound like a plea or cop out, but it is what it is.

And KK if you are reading this....I get the feeling that there is a underlying issue here of you feeling like Im trying to 'replace your face'. And that Im trying to do it really soon, like (before the book even closes on us) soon so to speak. Point blank...that couldnt be farther from the truth. It will be a long time before I even think of trying to seriously see another. Im stuck on you. And you know me. Im hard-headed. When I think Im right, you know you could balance a 747 on your pinky before you could change my mind. So while I miss you more than you could possibly know...I refuse to be hoiled up in my apartment wallowing in some induced self pity shit. I did that once before. It wasnt fun. And that's not to say Im about to cocoon into some social butterfly either. Im just saying please dont mistake me talking or hanging out with others as my getting over you or trying to replace you. Im probably burdening them with my problems. LOL.