Goodbye '04

You taught me alot this year. You really grew my ass up a whole lot. Now if I had any sense in my big ol head at all....I'll take the lessons learned and apply them in the new year. See ya in '05!

Follow Your Instincts

So we had a good, albeit brief, but still good conversation late last week. We both agreed it was one of the better conversations we had had in a loooooong time.

And then in the next convo I can remember between us....I ask about possibly going to the show, and the reception is chilly at best! I felt like my head was bit off basically. So that was that.

Then the next day I get an email from KK that pretty much warns me that she is still very very angry with me. Okay cool. You are still angry with me. The asking about going to the show triggered a memory that pissed you off. Cool. Understandable.

Then the next day (last night) I go to read KK's blog and among other things on her list to do for the new year I read where she says something about finding her 'knight in amor' or whatever. Basically I took that to mean she had just totally abandoned and given up all hope for me. Shit..wouldnt you? So needless to say that didnt make me feel good at all.....AT ALL

So then KK calls me last night about 10pm-ish. I didnt answer. I just didnt feel like dealing, ya know? From time to time everyone feels that way I'd imagine. She leaves a vcmail like 'Hey! I havent talked to you in minute. I feel like we will never talk again if I dont call you. Gimme a call"

Huh? But you had just emailed me yesterday saying you were still very very angry with me? So I called myself backing off to give you space to breathe or whatever til you werent as angry.

Then KK calls my phone about 4 times at like 2am-ish. Now honestly....my gut told me to pick it up. I just didnt though. (Mental note for '05...go with them good instincts you have boy! There's a whole lotta shit that coulda been avoided had you followed your first/gut instinct.) I just didnt have the strength honestly. So I didnt answer. I waited to see if there was vcmail this time but it wasnt. I assured myself that if it had been an emergency she woulda left a message after calling and hanging up 4 times. She didnt leave a message though.

So how was I supposed to know she got pickpocketed? Crazy, right? I just talked to her a few minutes ago and she told basically 'thanks for being there when I really needed ya!' So now I of course feel like the kinda shit you feel like when you let someone you really love down. But damn could I have gotten a message? When did it happen? Did you go out by yourself between 10pm and 2am? That aint your MO! WTF? But as of this moment I cant get any answers cuz she's pissed I didnt answer my phone. ARGGGGGGGGGH!

I say all that to say...Follow your instincts peoples. They are usually on point!

About Your Intention

Wisdom is sudden
Hindsight is 20/20

I can understand why you were super angry, upset and pissed.
If it wasnt for all the red spew I spoke and sprinkled shit with
you would have been able to see more than the red.
It wasnt my intention to put push you towards your torture limits.
You had had your fill of me.
I could tell.
And so I sorta just fell back
and waited for the anger to subside.

Wisdom is sudden
Hindsight is 20/20

I can understand the need to think clearly
see straight, and get your life back.
It's hard when you fall so hard so fast
that you almost lose yourself.
I know. I've seen it. I've done it.
I understand.

Wisdom is sudden
Hindsight is 20/20

It worked.
I do miss you
yearn for you
appreciate you even more
now that I dont have you to call my own
(Funny how it always works that way, huh?
Or maybe it aint so funny.)
All I did need was you
and strangely enough I knew that already
I didnt HAVE TO lose you to know that
I can even explain why I didnt act like it
but I did know.

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

So here's to us moving pass the
hurt
pain
anger
jealous

Here's to us to us
being the very best us that we can be...for us
(I still pray for that daily!)

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

You were right.
We couldnt go on the way were
Who should have to go on that way?
I saw you step back to get a better look
BUT
It seems you stepped back so far that you
didnt see me grab the mirror
and go over myself with the precision of a microscope.
Not one of those 5th grade science joints.
I'm talking one of those white lab coat $20 mil cure for cancer joints
I saw some shit yo.

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

We do seem to get crossed up and confused alot.
We often say the same thing in vastly different ways
So different in fact that we get into arguements
How crazy is that!
That's us though.
Love it or hate it
I always thought that it wasnt such a huge problem
that a little more communication on both parts couldnt solve .

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

My intentions?
My intention is to continue to take this time to reflect
Continue to put my sudden wisdom to good use
Continue to look at myself with my expensive microscope
Continue to try to make me the best me for you.

When you want/need something
that for whatever reason you can not have
I think it is only human nature to substitute it
for whatever gets you through the moment of need.
I think.

I know your intentions werent
to be lonely or be sad
or make me lonely or sad
We are both good people.
This I know for sure.
It just so happens that even good people
do things that go against our intentions.
Some of us more than others
Again...this I know for sure.

Wisdom is sudden.
Hindsight is 20/20.

23,000 and counting? WTF?!!??

What the fuck is going on when over 23,000 people can be killed by an act of nature? That shit is ridiculous. There were approx. 3,000 people killed in the WTC terrorist attacks. But over 23,000? And that toll is expected to rise during and after clean up and recovery efforts!!! That shit is mindblowing to me. The tragic lost of life is always sad, but when that many people die at the same time.......just wow! I had never heard of a Tsunami before now. They have a name for every fucking thing. But according to stats.....Tsunami's are the most dangerous of all the natural disasters. Fuck a hurricane, earthquake and tornando! Yo say a prayer and hold on tight to your loved ones. None of this life is promised.

I'm

I'm sad
I'm angry
I'm lost
I'm lonely
I'm reaching (out)
I'm searching

I'm tired
I'm restless
I'm moody
I'm shaky
I'm unsure
I'm still (sad)

I'm stubborn
I'm relentless
I'm hopeful
I'm anticipating

I'm regretful

I'm stupid

I'm done

DPT or PDT?

I decided that I AM NOT a pretty dirty thing. I AM IN FACT a dirty pretty thing. Now take all the time you need to chew on and digest that one. And get back to me on it.

*Posted after watching the movie "Dirty Pretty Things".

Fate Fucks Up Too!

So I guess the consensus is.....KK and I are kinda leaving it up to fate. Like 'If we're supposed to be together, we'll find a way to get it back together'. But you know sometimes fate fucks up too. Like there are alot of lil kids that died earlier or got killed. I'm sure that couldnt have been their fate. So I dont trust fate's ass 100% by no means.

I forgot the saying but it's something about 'Faith without works...'. You know what I mean? Like having faith without actually working or making some strides toward what ever you are putting your faith in is pointless.

I dunno just a thought that came across my mind.

I want ass!!!!

Comedian Steve Harvey, who has become close friends with Michael Jackson, told EUR why he doesn't believe past sexual molestation charges against the singer.

"See here's the deal," Steve said, "if you rape my son, my son, you can't give me no money. I want you. You can't buy me out. And real men and real people who have real families feel that way. If somebody molests your daughter, you're not buying none of that. That's how real people are. So how all of a sudden is some money gonna buy them off?

"You don't get the whole 20 [million]," Steve continued. "The lawyer's gonna get half of that. Then by the time you pay the taxes, you understand where you're at? You sayin', 'So it's okay to rape my son for $2 million?' That's how I know it's fake; it's just about money. Because real parents love their children so [much], that you can't do nothing to them and get away with it.
I want ass. You do something to my son, I'm getting yo' ass. You not paying me off, I'm getting yo' ass. Trust me. I want you to go to prison, so I can call some of my cats I know that's down there so I can make your life hell for 14 years."

The Thing Is....

I guess the bottom line is I hope she is still as hopeful as I am of us getting back together. Like I just hope she doesnt lose the love she has for me. That's the main thing I am fearful of. And I wondering if she is feeling the same way. Does she have the same fear? Does she fear that I may find someone else to be with and forget all about her....like I fear she might.

Some of 'Song Cry'

I can understand why you want a divorce now/Though I can't let you know it/pride won't let me show it/Pretend to be heroic/that's just one to grow with/But deep inside a nigga so sick

We was so happy poor/but when we got rich/That's when our signals got crossed/and we got flipped/Or rather mine/I don't know what made me leave that shit/Made me speed that quick/let me see .../that's it

......so what was oh so special then/You have given away without gettin at me/That's your fault/ow many times you forgiven me?/how was I to know that you was plain sick of me?/ know the way a nigga livin was wack/but you don't get a nigga back like that!/Shit I'm a man with pride/you don't do shit like tha/tYou don't just pick up and leave /and leave me sick like that/You don't throw away what we had/just like that/I was just flirtin with them girls/I was gon' get right back/They say you can't turn a bad girl good/But once a good girl's goin bad/she's gone forever/I'll mourn forever/Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever......

Just A Simple Question.

Do you feel as incomplete as I do?

My Minnesota Trip

So I guess I should start by saying that for the most part my cousin is okay. See this all started when a little bit b4 Thanksgiving she was having some type of pain and asked someone for a painkiller or something. Well whatever she was given was no damn painkiller. Next thing we know the poor child is in a Target Dept. Store trying to set her own hair on fire. Crazy, right? So after spending Thanksgiving weekend in the fucking psyche ward, it seems that whatever had worn off. But since then she seems to go in out of spells. My 2 1/2 days up there I had been kinda observing her and whatnot. At times she seemed normal, and then other times she was talking crazy and acting paranoid and shit. Im hoping it's not dementia or whatever you call it. Im hoping that it's just the side effect of whatever she was given. Also she gave me one of the pills that she was given so we are gonna have that checked out. She and her boys actually came back down here with me, so we are gonna have this whole mess situated in a bit.

But can I tell yall about my trip up there? 2 things.....For one...I had never really been THAT near Amish people. About 8 of them mugs was on the bus with me. Im a pretty open-minded guy. I respect all religions and cultures and what not. But yall know them mugs dont use deodorant, right? So that's all I have to say about that!

And two....I came outta sooooo much $$$ on this lil impromptu trip. Like a little bit more than $400!!!! My round trip ticket was $116. Plus I took out about $100 pocket cash. $30 of which I used for the cab from the bus station to her crib! I never had a $30 cab ride yo! N E V E R!!! Then I spent $196 for the bus tickets for my cousin and her 2 boys to come back down. So we all get here at about 7am. My uncle picks us up and drops ME off at my place. I dont even know where they went. Either my mama's or my granny's....honestly I dont care. I did my part. I got them down here in one piece. I know that is wrong, but I been wanting some Teej Time since I got there damn near. Anyways I get home to discover that my home phone is off. (By the way I'd like to take this time to send a big FUCK YOU to MTI. I'm soooo through with yall, it dont even make sense!). And also...I found a 5 day notice from my building managers. Yup Young Teej is/was tardy on that young rent. Dont fret. My family already offered to help reimburse me, so I'll be taking care of the rent situation on Monday....if they come through. Sad to say...but I cant discount the word 'trife' when being used to describe my family. But Im the T to the mu'fuckin! You know I'll be okay......

P.S. Shout to my lil cousin Jamela! Oh how I love that lil girl. She was telling me about the school play that she is in this week. She was showing me her lil dance/song number thingy. It goes..... "1 2 3 4 we wont dont wanna fight your war. 5 6 7 8 let's my peace and love not hate". Or something like that.

And God said.....

......"Hmmmmm Mr. Teej. I dont know if you've been through any shit as of late. Let me see what I can muster up to throw at you. Let's see here.....I'll start out light. Now your little brother is just getting outta boot camp. Why dont I throw the pressure of trying to help him get his life in order on your shoulders. Yeah! And how about I add your sisters. Let's see I'll make the youngest one act out in school and face expulsion, and the middle one is getting ready to graduate. Why dont I add a lil pressure of helping her find a job and prep for college on ya. But that's just the light load. Ready for the heavier stuff? Okay we'll add the health concerns you have for yourself. You got that one cyst in your wrist, but that's been there for years. But I'll start making your wrist real stiff. Hey...gotta switch it up a bit ya know? And I just added that second cyst to your right foot not too long ago. Plus that one lump in your back. Yeah that oughta get your mind to running at hypocondriac levels. Ooh and I know that unease feeling that's been in your chest for a couple of months now is really fucking with you! But wait there is more....Ha Ha! You thought that was it, didnt you? Silly silly boy! Hells no! I got a little bit more I wanna assign to you. You know that woman you love the shit out of? Imma make you look like a total dick to her. Yup....if only for a little bit. You are going to make her hate you. Misunderstandings, miscommunication, the whole 9. Fuck the jamaica trip. Fuck your future plans nigga! You just better hope she speaks to you by time you make your solo voyage down there. AND as my grande finale. You know remember your favorite big cousin? Yeah her! Imma make her go C R A Z Y! Yall already found her in a department store bathroom trying to set her own hair on fire, right? Okay so this wont be as bad as that...but still. Imma just gonna make her crazy paranoid and restless. On some ol crack-head shit. Yeah! Matter fact....Imma make her so on the edge of insanity that you feel you HAVE TO to go up there yourself in the middle of the week just to make sure she and her boys are alright. Yup...you'll be on the greyhound for 8 hours both ways. Bring some cd's and books to get you through the trip alright? How do you like that? I know you cant afford it. And your financial situation is already delicate, but fuck it! Everyone has to go through their shit and it's your turn nigga!"

Sincerely,

GOD

Just Cause I Need To Blog About Something Else...

lyrics from Masta Ace's verse in song "Crooklyn" of the soundtrack of the same name. Just cause it was in my head all night.

"Im getting a rottweiler / without a collar/ get off my block / or you give me a dollar!"

"I think I saw Raj and Re-Run runnin up the block/ from Dwayne and Dwayne had a glock/ cuz he be selling rocks for the Patridge Family / and Ruben Kincaid drives a 300 E!"


Oooooh and this song too!

"Fa La La La La Bamba! Yo no soy marineo! Yo no soy marieno. El Capitan. El Capitan!"

Hey it's my blog and I can post lyrics to La Bamba if I damn well please.

Trust / What If...?

There's a quote that says "The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him."

So knowing that I have made mistakes that fractured the trust before.....What if one day you were able to say to me "You know what TJ? I trust you! I have faith that you know what you have in me, and that you wont do a thing in the world to fuck it up! This is your last chance. Put up or shut up. Nigga!"

What if huh?

Getting It Off My Chest

I am really trying to find some peace!

I need to find a peace of mind....and soon! People keep asking me what's wrong with me? Like I thought I was doing a pretty good job of masking the hurt that is within but apparently not. That shit is on my face and in my voice....even when I think it isnt.

KK and I just got off the phone. She told me to not bother calling her. Again. Never.Ever. Whoa! That shit just hit like a ton o' bricks! I cant even fathom.

About 2-3 weeks ago I told a friend that I was a 'fan' of a friend of hers. Now keep in mind that at this time KK and I were still in the middle of 'blah' land. I mean she had already told me once before that she wasnt attracted to me or whatever. This was a little before our final 'we're gonna give each other space' talk, but still waaaay after our 'we arent really together : we dont know what we're doing" phase. Now this friend of a friend I had never spoken with before. I had only known of her by hearing our mutual friend speak of her and I had seen her picture. So again....I mentioned to our mutual friend that I was a 'fan' (meaning basically I thought she was cute). So the mutual friend relayed the message and I guess she felt the same way. Now I know thus far it sounds like a hook-up but it isnt. I swear. LOL. Anyways mutual friend says she was told to give me new friend's IM. So new friend and I speak via IM. We talk about our respective relationship situations and the such, etc. Give each other the opposite sexes point of view and the whole nine. We had already discussed and come to an understaning that neither of us was trying to hook up. For one both of our hearts pretty much belong to others, for two it's long distance and three we just both arent trying to go there. But we agreed it would be cool to have a new friend to talk to. And yeah I have a bunch of friends, but different people provide different perspectives, and you never know what kinda knowledge you will be blessed with from whom. And that may sound like a plea or cop out, but it is what it is.

And KK if you are reading this....I get the feeling that there is a underlying issue here of you feeling like Im trying to 'replace your face'. And that Im trying to do it really soon, like (before the book even closes on us) soon so to speak. Point blank...that couldnt be farther from the truth. It will be a long time before I even think of trying to seriously see another. Im stuck on you. And you know me. Im hard-headed. When I think Im right, you know you could balance a 747 on your pinky before you could change my mind. So while I miss you more than you could possibly know...I refuse to be hoiled up in my apartment wallowing in some induced self pity shit. I did that once before. It wasnt fun. And that's not to say Im about to cocoon into some social butterfly either. Im just saying please dont mistake me talking or hanging out with others as my getting over you or trying to replace you. Im probably burdening them with my problems. LOL.

I WANNA SCREAM!!!!

"Where do broken hearts go?/Can they find their way home?/Back to the open arms/Of a love that's waiting there/And if somebody loves you/Won't they always love you?/I look in your eyes/And I know that you still care for me....."

I cant believe Im fucking posting Whitney Houston lyrics!!!! What the fuck is wrong with me? Or at least I cant believe Im posting the lyrics to "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?"!! Why not "It's Not Right But It's Okay" or some shit. Why that? Im at work and that song came on...and that part in the chorus just stuck out to me. I wanna hear X-Tina's "Beautiful". I NEED to hear that one. The bottom-cant get no more bottomer-line is I love the girl. I want it to be just her and I. I've made some mistakes to where we cant be together right now, but I dont wanna go back and forth placing blame and screaming at each other and what not. Can a nigga just get some peace of mind? Recollect myself with a clear head and proceed?

I need some George Michael "One More Try" in my life.....

"I've Had Enough Of Danger/And people on the streets/I'm looking out for angels/Just trying to find some peace...."

Just For The Record!

Contrary to what you may think....I AM NOT some serial woman-meeter. Like I dont get up and plot on different ways that I can meet X amount of women on any given day. See I think I know where the communication in us talking about this particular subject is breaking down at. It may be found in our respective definitions of 'friend'. Maybe I use the word too easy. I dunno. Like I guess it doesnt take a whole whole lot for me to consider someone a 'friend'. I have a lot of friends. I dont have a lot of 'peoplez'. There is a big difference. Friends to me are expendable damn near. My Peoplez arent! So yes I can make friends really really easy. It takes awhile for me to consider someone my peeps.

So again I meet alot of people and a good proportion of them are women. Yup! But shit Im sorry. Fucking take me out back and shoot me already why dont ya?

One....I already told you that I know where I went wrong and crossed the line when the innocent flirting became not so innocent. I learned my lesson there. Yeah I learned it the very hard way, but please believe I learned it.

So in closing....please dont paint me as JUST HAVING to constantly meet new women and not knowing what to do with myself if I dont meet someone new today. That aint me. That's a mutant form of me that you have created in your mind. Fin.

Something I came across

We must talk until there are no words
We must explain until everything is understood
We must be honest until nothing is hidden
We must listen until everything has been said
We must question so that we know why
We must be fair so that everyone`s basic needs are met

If there is no communication there is no bond
If there is no bond there will be no relationship