I Thought It Ironic

I wanted to blog this earlier but in light of other developments I decided not to...but shit it's my blog dammit. I can post what the fuck I want, right?

Anyways this shit tickled the hell outta me today. I was in my apt. getting ready for work. My CD player was on the coffee table. I reached for it and the cord was wrapped around a picture of KK and I. I accidentally knocked over the picture while getting the cd player. As I picked the picture up I said out loud..."And why do I still have this out?"......and no sooner than I finished announciating the final word....mu'fuckin "We Cant Be Friends" by Deborah Cox and RL from Next came on. Man....I damn near fell on the floor laughing. Like "Shit nigga! There go your answer right there."

Well anyways I thought it was ironic.....

Random Stuff

My supervisor at work keeps reminding me of how much my feet stink. I wear my old comfortable gym shoes in to work and then change into my hardbottoms in the back office right before I walk on to the floor. Yup they sure do smell. I been with these feet some 27 years.....I've caught a whiff or 2 of them over that time. They aint nothing nice at times too. I know it.....and I dont care.

Less than a week into my new workout plan and I've already fell off the wagon.....well sorta. The first phase of the plan was to workout in the gym in my building 5 days per week. Here it is Thursday and I only been down there twice.......on Monday and Tuesday. I just couldnt do it on Wednesday. EVERYTHING was sore. I barely made it in to work that day. Today......I did half the workout. Normally I'll go to the gym, then come back to my apt. and do my ab workout. Well today I did push myself enough to do the ab workout at least.

I've stuck pretty well to the dietary phase of my NWOP. It's still a daily struggle to not eat french fries though. Oh and I did just have a pop about 20 minutes ago. But that's it I swear!

Oh and as if I needed ANOTHER reason to see the doctor....I'm pretty sure I pulled something in my left elbow. It is soooooooo stiff it's not even funny. Grrrrrrr.................

Running From This Song

I swear....man I was going good. For like 10 days I just knew I was 'over' it. 'Over' her. Now Im not so sure. Maybe I am. Maybe Im not. Maybe I was just having a good streak.

For the last few days no matter what I do I keeping running into this song. It's Lalah Hathaway's cover of Luther's "Forever, For Always, For Love". I mean damn near everywhere I go that song is there to meet and greet me. I hear it on the digital music channel at home. I hear it on the radio when I listen. I hear it at work on the satelite station. And I hear it in my head. Aside from her just putting her drawers in it.....b/c she sho nuff made it all her own, of course the lyrics resonate with me something serious. Check them out.....

I sing this song to remind myself
There was a time when I didn't have no one
Didn't have no love

Do you remember
The love that we once had
Well if I had the chance to love you again
I would Make your heart forget
I was ever there, oh no
If we forget the past I know this time love will last

Forever, For Always, For Love, Yeah

I'm not coming home anymore
Does it matter?
Well if I had the chance to hold you again
I would fill your heart with joy
Make you remember
I'm the only one for you, yes I would
Let's throw the bad memories out
And make this the first day of our

Forever, For Always, For Love

I'd be a Fool...To...Ever...Change
If she says she Loves...The...Way...I...Am
I'd be a Fool...To...Ever...Change
If She Says she Loves...The...Way...I...Am

It's gonna be
Starting Here, Starting Now, yeah yeah yeah
Forever, For Always, For Love.....

Love Language by Talib Kweli

Damn! Im back on some love shit it seems. But dammit when you sit back and think about it...Love is strange. Mystifying even. There are a million songs that speak about love. This one is of my faves by one of favorite MC's. Check out the some of the lyrics yall....peep the chorus!

Love is blind, you just see bright light
You up in the club feelin' the night life, lookin' for the right type
You know the plan you had to conquer the world
Thinking you Scarface, looking for that perfect girl And now you found her
Started with romantic, then got to frantic
Then things thats normally small become gigantic
Now y'all sinkin like the Titanic here come the panic
Bein with you is like a habit without you I can't stand it
It's tragic when you wonder when you lost that magic
Without understanding that you never had it try to grab it
In the bed gettin a nut off, communication cut off
Getting mad cause you turned on wondering where she shut off
Constantly comparing you to someone in my past
We don't smile anymore, and we argue over cash
Advance to that physical shit See what happens if you keep talkin
See what happens if you lay a finger on me motherf...
Yo, see what I'm sayin' It's like one big mind game that everybody playin
(Men) say (Women) is trife, (Women) say (Men) is
We just don't understand our fundamental differences I'm still learning though, actually
I just do what come naturally, naturally, naturally

(Chorus)
L'amour n'a pas de, frontiere (Love has no boundaries)
Restes car je t'aime comme tu es (Stay because I love you as you are)
J'ai traverse l'ocean du verbe (I crossed an ocean of words)
Et je t'ai trouve (And I found you)

Women thrive on emotions, men refuse to acknowledge
So when we arguin nobody win
Words get in the way time and again
Sticks and stones break your bones words break your heart
Whether you in touch with that part or not say "word"
Words are weapons for the revolutionary
Used for evil make the situation very scary
Word up, but love is brave It flies in the face of fear
Yo, wherever you want to go love'll take you there

LOL I'm Soooo Amp-ed Now.

FYI....after the last post Im really tempted to rant and rave about how you shouldnt bet against The Teej, but I'll spare you all.

Thank me later.

A Woman's Security (The 2nd longest?....well maybe not)

*Exhale*
*Huge Sigh*

So I just had a rather interesting conversation with the former Misses. I think it was maybe a couple of weeks ago I think I had asked her what would it take to get back together. And if Im not mistaken her reply was something to the effect of 'A salaried job!' And then I remember asking "So all I need is a salary based job and we're good to go?' And again if I remember...I got something of an affirmative confirmation.

And so that brings me to the point of this particular blog entry. I do understand that a woman needs security. Like it's good for her to know that her man is about something and can provide for her if need be. But lemme tell you...sista is dope! Got her own business and all...damn sure dont need me to provide for her. But I do understand it's nice to have that assurance. Maybe it's an inherant (sp?) trait in most women. Whatever the case I totally understand it.

My particular conflict in this though....as pertaining to her and I. She's already told me that she KNOWS (ya hear me? KNOWS) that I will be a great father and husband. I take that to mean that she knows that I will do whatever legally (and hell illegally if need be) to provide for my family. So with that said....if I happen to get a salaried gig in let's say, oh the next 6-9 months, then what? We're ret ta go again?

I feel like I'd possibly have some sorta resentment on some 'oh.....you got the vapors now?' shit. Can u feel me? The ironic part is...when me and KK first got together....I was soooooo ASS OUT. No car, no job, living with my mama.....I mean completely ass out. I still had my TV show then, but money from that is so slow and far between. She HELD ME DOWN then, hear me? Anyways I mean she saw SOMETHING in me then. In addition to the trust issues and a couple of other misc. things which caused us to break up...it seems she gave up or stopped believing in me. She felt that I was no longer motivated to do better and advance in my career and my life in general. I mean who wants to be with a deadbeat ass nigga thats satisfied with a mediocre job that barely pays you enough to get by? But ummmm excuse me, love. THAT AINT ME! Never been me. Sorry you got it a bit twisted and misunderstood, but that just aint me. Dude is so focused right now. I guess you'll soon see.

I cant predict the future. Maybe we will get it back, maybe we wont. But I'd sure hate for the reason of us not getting back to be that you didnt / or you stopped believing in me. It's the TEEJ, son. How can you bet against him? Especially if your love never waivered. But you did say love was not enough, right?

See...that sounds like bitterness already, huh?

Gracias to mi Madres

What the hell is the spanish word for 'to'? Why cant I think of it?

Anyways I just wanna send a quick shout out to my Granny for hooking me up with the 20 year old microwave that miraciously STILL works. I gotta admit that I was skeptical when she suggested that I take it for my place. I can still remember heating up cookies and stuff in it when I was like 7. Now Im 27 and I have it in my crib. Boy I tell you about technology. To think that that thing had been sitting in her basement unplugged for like the last 10 years and it still works. I fucks with GE yo. They bring good things to life still. LOL.

And also I wanna thank my mama for sending me some Easter dinner in tupperware via my brother while I was at the gig! I knew she was sending me food that she had cooked for Easter. But I assumed I was gonna get the customary black folks 'plate'. But homegirl sent me tupperware yo! I had a cornish hen, wild rice, mac and cheese, greens, cinnamon rolls, AND banana pudding! I didnt get to eat it while at work so I took it home for today. I'll say this much....I think I just came! Got wet, did something!

Shit was THAT good. Now I just gotta clean up my kitchen. Tupperware everywhere!

My New Work Out Plan

It started a couple weeks ago when a co-worker asked if Cheeseburgers were my favorite meal. I hadnt really noticed until then, but I have been eating alot of junk as of late. Not b/c I dont like non-junk, but junk is so much easier. Anyways no more of that! I'm focused on getting my 6 pack back. Dont get me wrong.....by no means is anyone mistaking me for being pregnant. I can still see my man down there if ya know what I mean. But I do have a pudge that Im not comfortable with. And shit...Jamaica is coming up in about 8 weeks. Cant go down there like this here. And so outta that necessity I created My New Work Out Plan today.

Basically it goes like this....No fried foods!!! Can u believe my black ass is swearing off fried foods. Im gonna try to go w/o them til I get back from Jamaica. No french fries or nothing! Can you bake or broil french fries? Also Im only eating chicken, turkey and fish for the next 2 months. Yup! I had to call my mama and ask her how to cook chicken other than frying it. Like I know the methods of baking and broiling, but I dont know if I know how to actually bake or broil, feel me? And I swear this is what mama's is for. She mentioned The Foreman Grill!!! Hell yeah, I usta Foreman Grill my ass off! I dunno how I forgot it. I will mos def be copping one in the next day or two.

And the 2nd installment in my NWOP is.....working out up to 5 days per week now. I was getting results from when I was doing 3 days. People were noticing I was getting bigger, thicker and gaining muscle w/o me even having to get naked!!!! So I know if I up it to 5 days faithfully by Jamaica time Imma be on to something. I just gotta stay on the wagon. I keep falling off the workout wagon. Stay on the wagon. Stay on the wagon. Stay on the wagon Teej..........

I'm Okay Now

Hey there to all 3 of my regular blog readers. LOL. Im off my soapbox. Im cool. I still have my jones for her, but like I said I have my good and bad days. That particular day it was just on my mind heavy, and so I just felt like getting it all out. I probably wont do that again til May sometime. Yeah...right after Dave and Jamilia's wedding. LOL. Anyways....I have a busy few days ahead so Im sure to keep myself occupied. And occupied time is good time. Its the damn idle time that gets at ya!

Pardon Me (The Longest Blog I Ever Wrote)

I feel it's fair to give you, the unsuspecting reader, a fair warning off top. This is another one of those 'I miss my baby' blogs.

For those of you who for some reason wanna read my babble...cant say I didnt warn ya.

I feel like I do okay since the break up. I have my good days and bad days like most I suppose. I want so bad to be friends with KK even if we arent 'together'. She knows Im not over her yet, so she's hesitant. And there is about 8% of me that understands. But the other 92% is going crazy. No Im not over her. And no I dont wanna be. Not yet anyways.

The other day my friend Tiffani was at my place. She asked why I still had KK's pics displayed on my coffee table. I couldnt even answer. All I could say with geniune unawareness was 'I dont know'. Yes it's over, but I dont wanna put her pictures up. Is that dumb? I know it doesnt help to speed up the 'getting over' process. But again.....I dont wanna get over it. Not yet. I honestly am still hoping that I'll get the 'Im sorry. I love you. I cant live w/o you' call. I know I wont. I know her. She's a strong willed stubborn something or the other. Even if she felt that way she wouldnt make that call.

So what do I do? Part of me is saying 'Live ya life my nigga!' But a bigger part is just not ready to make that step. And the funny thing is.....If I really wanted to get over this...in my heart of hearts....I can. I know exactly how to do it. So why dont I you ask? Well b/c Im pretty fucking stubborn my damn self. And there isnt a breathing soul that can tell me that this is hopeless. If you knew how hard I clasped my hands together, and how tight I close my eyes when I pray that she and I find our way back together you'd probably laugh. You'd laugh, but I promise it isnt funny.

(BTW.....Am I going in circles here? Is there a point? I dunno...but I AM getting shit off my chest)

Earlier today as I was getting ready for work I was watching VH1. The show 'Bands Reunited' was on. They were trying to reunite the 80's group Klymaxx. One of Klymaxx's most popular songs is the the sappy balllad 'I Miss You'. Can you guess what it's about? LOL. As the guy was interviewing the lady who wrote it he asked her what prompted her to write it. Her response was "What do you think? I had just broken up with someone. It kinda wrote itself. I just channeled it." And man.....for anyone that has ever broken up and was hoping to get back together.....WHEW!!!!! Funny thing is....I've loved this song since I was a little kid. It literally came out 20 years ago. I've always liked sappy ballads. Its just now I really relate to the fuckers. Anyways....check out the lyrics....

VERSE ONE
Thought I heard your voice yesterday
Then I turned around to say
that I loved you
then I realized that it was just my mind
playing tricks on me....
It seems colder lately at night
and I try to sleep with the lights on
Everytime the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
I just can't believe (just can't believe)
That we're through...

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
Theres no other way to say it
And I, And I can't deny it.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me........

VERSE TWO
Is it done and over this time?
Have we really change our minds?
But it's our first love...
all the feelings that we used to share...
I refuse to believe that you don't care.

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I've got to gather my senses together (Gather)
I've been through worse kinds of weather
If it's over now (over now)
be strong (be strong)
I can't believe that you're gone...I've got to carry on.

CHORUS
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's driving me crazy
I don't want to live without you.
I miss you (I miss you...)
It's so easy to seeI miss you and me............

Man did you read that shit? I should cut and paste that again! That' s some heavy shit right there! Its amazing how songs can touch you and speak to and for you like that. Thats one of the reasons I am going to write songs soon. Plus you know the money is bookoo if you get ur shit published, but thats another story.

It's actually a million 'I love you, I want you back, I cant believe we arent together' songs. This one is just in my head today. But the message of it is so on point.

I was on the phone with a friend last night and she was reading some astrological stuff about the Scorpio. And as you know Im a mighty mighty Scorpio. Definitely one of the more dominant signs in the zodiac. But as she read....I couldnt help but to think that THIS is the reason why I cant get over KK. Getting over lost love is just not some shit we are known for. Check out these quotes on Scorpio's....

"Only one thing hurt's scorpio is their tendency to be emotional. However, being extremely intuitive, it helps them deal with this, and even gives them a physic edge in some situation. They live hard and love hard, and give their hearts fully and unconditionally."

"Scorpio is intense, strong-willed, passionate and filled with desire. They are clever, perceptive and almost psychic in their intuitiveness. Consistent with their Fixed energy, Scorpios are stubborn and determined. "

"Even when (Scorpio's) appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions."

So apparently I wont be getting over this anytime soon. It appears to not be in my nature. Shit is like tortue yo. If I could easily just be done with it on some ol 'cest la vie' shit, I'd be soooo much better off. But that's just not in me. So what do I do? I wait it out I guess. I havent really had many girlfriends. The last 'girlfriend' was Iyonda when I was 20. LOL. I will never forget that. When we broke up it was at the start of a 3 day weekend. I promise you I stayed in my room the entire weekend. I only left to use the washroom which was a couple steps away. As many times as I wanted to just not go anywhere and sulk with this breakup I just cant. Stakes is higher. There's rent to be paid, ya know? I remember I felt better after I made the breakup tape. I actually still have it. I listened to it once when I was feeling down recently. It made me feel a little better, but Im gonna have to update it.

And so this is my sad existence. Its really not as bad as I think this makes it sound. I find myself trying to do alot more with friends now. I hate being in my house alone. Too much time to think. If I have to be home....I try to stay on the internet and phone or something. I just dont like sitting there. But her picture is sitting on my coffee table so WTF? There is something in every room to remind me of her.

Alright Im sure Im blabbering now. I think Im done. Thanks for reading if you did.

Say It Aint So Kimmie!

"When I testified in court /couldnt think straight thinkin' bout the bitches I fought/over you..." - Lil Kim from the song "Another" by Notorious B.I.G. f/ Lil Kim

"Under pressure/I lie for ya/die for ya/Luger by the thigh for ya/right hand high for ya..." - Lil Kim from the song "I Can Love You" by Mary J. Blige f/ Lil Kim

Lil Kim is going to jail. Hopefully not for long, but she's going. All on some code of the streets shit. She was loyal to dudes obviously not as loyal for her. Alot of people talk that 'Imma ride for my people' shit...but she really did it. And it got her facing 20 years right now.

C'mon Kimmie! If you gon lie to a federal grand jury....dont make it such a bad one. They showed you pictures of dudes you've known for well over 10 years, and you said you didnt know them. There are videos, pictures, album credits, etc where you acknowledged these guys. Why didnt you just say "I heard gunfire. I got down. And I didnt get up til I didnt hear no mo shots. I dunno who the hell was shooting!" Now THAT shit is believable yo!

Lil Cease and Banger (who she was in Junior Mafia with) got called in to testify and were put in a very difficult position. Either lie and say they dont know if Kim knew these dudes and face perjury charges themselves when the lie is found out, or tell the truth and basically leave Kim ass out. And since Kim had kinda distanced herself from all of them, and there is some hostile feelings there....well their choice wasnt as hard no more, huh? Now they kinda look like snitches in the street.

Pretty fucked up, right? Hopefully her and Hilary (her assistant also convicted) will get the Martha Stewart treatment. Guess we'll wait and see what the judge or jury hands down during sentencing on June 24th.

WTF?

Cashier Girl at Wendy's : (Upon me placing an order) You're face is getting fat. You need to stop coming in here.

Me : (Mouth wide open...totally speechless)

I Shoulda Got His Ass!

Man.....I just had the chance to come up on a sweet ass lick! This guy just came in the hotel off the street and asked me to change a $20 bill. No biggie, right? But w/o even looking...the fucker hands me a fuckin' $50!!!!!

My dumb ass w/o even thinking says "Oh sir, you handed me a 50." Then he puts on his glasses and says "You know I can barely see without these things?" Well duh nigga! Duh! WTF? I think I been working in this ritsy ditsy ass place waaaaay too long. I musta left my southside of Chicago instincts at the crib. Either that or I was too tired to think straight. $30....gone. On some honesty shit. He wouldnt have even noticed til he got back to Barrington (affluent, mostly white suburb) or wherever the fuck he's from. Oh well I suppose the morality God's will look down upon me favorably for this. Hell, I might even get a good deed like this done for me one of these days. But shit......I need some immediate gratfication out this summa bitch.

My mama would be so mad at me right now...........

What Catches Your Heart?

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few that will catch your heart....Pursue those to the ends of the earth!" - Unknown

Hello! Can I get an 'amen' from the congregation?

Fucking Tuna!

Tuna gives me heartburn! I just figured it out. I had the tuna I made last night for the second night in a row and for the second night in a row I have heartburn. This getting older shit is no joke, dunny! But as broke as I am, I cant afford to waste food. So you know Im gon eat that ol heartburn giving ass tuna til it aint no mo, right?

To KK............

I was thinking on how freaky it was that we both bought the same green Brooklyn B-Ball Tee at totally separate times w/o the others knowledge.

Remember when you told me you asked for and got a sign from God, in fact you said you got 2 if I recall correctly, as to whether or not we belong together. What happened to those signs? You still haven’t told me what they were. Will ya ever?

Do you think of me when you put milk in your coffee or tea and it turns a beige color similar to my complexion? Betcha will now. *wink* Betcha’ll smile when it happens because I said you would. *smile*

Why dont you meet me over my place. I'll be all sweaty (just like I know you like) from working out. I'll make sure to have the 'Ideal' CD already in the player. We'll see what happens from there..............

What do you say?

Me

I AM.....not of this earth it seems
I WILL ALWAYS.....love my mama
I MISS.....too many to name
I HEAR.....voices in my head frequently
I CRAVE.....junk food
I WORRY.....about my loved ones
I REGRET.....not applying myself in school
I LOVE......life
I SING.....horribly, yet proudly
I LOST......my mind a long time ago
I LIKE.....to walk around my place ass naked, joint swanging!
I DONT LIKE.....rules
I AM LISTENING TO.....Rufus/Chaka Khan
I CAN BE.....anything i fucking wanna
I NEED......KK
I KNOW THAT.....I didnt do as well by her as I could
I HOPE......she gives me 1 more shot to prove myself to her
I WANT.....nothing more than to be wealthy enough for me and my fam to live comfortably
I WISH.....I had had a better relationship w/ my pops
I CRY.....rarely
I FEEL.....different ways at different times
I BELIEVE.....in miracles
I AM PROUD.....of my peoples when they accomplish shit
I THINK.....Im a pretty fucking terrific guy

Eye Swear!

So I come to discover today that the sty that was on my inner eye-lid has turned into a cyst! (EXHALES........SLOWLY........DEEPLY.........LOUDLY)

When I read up on the eye sty thing last weekend, it did mention that these type of sty's can turn into a cyst. It wont blur my vision or make me blind. It'll just be a little tiny knot on my eye. Yaaaaay!

Its been there all week, but I finally noticed it today when I got a good look at my face in the mirror this afternoon. So if you are keeping score out there, that's 2 definite cyst's, 1 probable and 1 possible. I've had this one in my left wrist since high school. Had it drained thrice times, and it keeps coming back like The O'Jay's. Last time the doc drained it, he said if it came back it'll have to be surgically removed. Well it's been back.....I just aint been back....to the doctor since. Then there's the probable one in my right foot. Im pretty sure thats what it is. And then there's the lump in my back. I know it sounds icky, but it's not really noticeable unless I have my shirt off. The doc told me that it was a 'tissue growth'......whatever that means. I personally think that lump in my back is the piece of my knee bone I chipped in 5th grade. I think it made its way through my body and planted itself in my back. I'll let you know how that hypothesis turns out when I know for sure.

But back to my eye......U know of all the things I planned to get done in '05......eye surgery was mysteriously not on my list! Gotta research it more, but I swear thats the only way those sites said a eye cyst could be removed.

Dignity & Love

" Dignity and love do not blend well, nor do they continue long together."
- Ovid

And with that said....GODDAMN I want my baby back. Im not ashamed to say it.

America's Next Top Model (Mary & Tiffany)

So maybe it's the gay in me.....I dont care. But since I am home on this Thursday night and I saw the 4th season premiere of America's Next Top Model was coming on I decided to tune it. I aint gon even front like I wasnt all up in it last season.



So I turn it on and I immediately see 2 familiar faces. First I see Tiffany. She was the tough girl from Miami that got in the bar fight the first night, remember? She's back! She says them anger management classes did her some good. And then there was Mary! Mary was the other 'plus size model' battling with Tocarra last season for 'the big girl spot'. The funny thing is to me (and probably every other black person) is neither of them sisters are big. They are thick, but I guess in model terms they are 'plus size'. Whatever! Anyways Mary is back yall! She is the cutest thing to me!

But how is this for fucked up? I decided to go on UPN's site while they are still introducing the field of like 35 girls. Why when I get there it's only 14 girls on the site?!!?!? And my Mary aint one! Im heartbroken. So among the finalists I got my money on either Naima, Brittany or Lluvy. Stay tuned...