Sunday, October 30, 2005

The "So Much On My Mind" List (Longer Than Usual)

1. As the title says there is a lot on my mind
2. I feel like Im in a rut
3. Shit doesnt really seem to be flowing and/or feeling right
4. This up coming excursion to Cali is much needed
5. My Granny had a mild heart attack last Sunday
6. She is a G though
7. Drove herself to the hospital!!!!!!
8. When my brother got the call we didnt know what to expect
9. The car ride was real quiet
10. No radio, no nothing
11. But then my mom called from the hospital room and updated us
12. That relieved me to know she was okay.
13. Dude I was picturing her unconcious w/ tubes and shit everywhere
14. Then my mom put her on the phone
15. She started making jokes about swimming lessons in Miami
16. That made me feel better
17. Cant spell Granny w/o the G!!!
18. Did I mention that Im feeling maaaaad rut-ish
19. Back on some 'Fuck the world, dont ask me for shit' shit?
20. Yeah Lor...Im back on that again.
21. I fucking hate that stupid white people think the term 'BLING BLING' is cool
22. Note to said stupid white people : No one hardly says that shit but yall dumb asses!
23. I think my cousin is acting crazy again in Minnesota
24. My Granny told me to call and find out whats going on.
25. I told her I would but I havent just yet
26. Im building up my energy
27. I wrote a rap when I was like 14 that had a line like "A smile on my shell/but it's confusion that is within me"
28. 27 = Still true
29. Remember last list when I said I felt like I was fooling the world?
30. Yeah I am
31. Pretty fucking good too if I may add
32. It's too easy to make/have kids
33. And then the kids have to suffer b/c the damn parents aint grown or stable or capable of raising no damn kids
34. There are exceptions though.....Toi, Crystal, Lesley, Clo, Reese, Keeta, etc.
35. Thankfully I couldnt think of any 'bad' mamas off hand
36. But shit....Im trying to think of dudes I know with kids
37. Still drawing a blank
38. Oh yeah.....my cousins!
39. My mama once told me that I have always been girl crazy
40. I suppose she is correct....
41. ....but she told me in front of KK
42. Who does that?
43. Doesnt everyone just want someone to want them?
44. Isnt that like a basic need that everyone has?
45. Ever felt like that need aint being met?
46. I didnt mean for this list to take a such a melancholy tone
47. Im just typing away though
48. It usually takes me a couple days to do a list
49. This shit is getting done in less than 20 mins
50. Heaven I need a hug
51. LOL!
52. Im bugging
53. On my myspace page someone said something about me being positive all the time
54. I have this crazy faith
55. Like I can oooze positivity and all....
56. ....but sometimes Im not sure if I believe myself
57. I guess I just speak the shit into existence
58. Erykah Badu calls it 'Faking It Til You Make It'
59. " On another note/bout to take another vaca/on another boat...."
60. That was Jay Z
61. Sorry Stace
62. Im looking forward to hanging with the LJ girls
63. Gentle Spirit...where are you?
64. Im gonna re-read my equinox card
65. "Heaven is here. Choose Life. Choose Love"
66. Aint that what it said?
67. "Im goin goin back back to Cali Cali"
68. Somedays I really miss KK
69. As I would hope she has her days that she really misses me too
70. I go back and forth with wearing my heart on my sleeve
71. All in all I just try to do what feels right
72. My show is on hiatus as we disagree amongst ourselves
73. I do not like being idle
74. Anyone know I wanna be married?
75. And soon!!
76. I dont like singlehood
77. Relationships are hard
78. But what have you ever come across that was worth having AND easy?
79. Exactly
80. You ever felt like the world aint checking for ya?
81. I do every now and then
82. "Who really cares?/When I talk?/What I feel?/What I say?/Nobody not really/Who wants to take the time to understand/I would like someone to heal me with some empathy/But I can't find…Nobody not really/Maybe I'm invisible to the world/Does anyone in the world even think of me?/As more than just a hopeless cause/Maybe the world is not my block/My stoop/My life/My dreams/My anything...."
83. DeeDee...you asked what I was thinking when I posted the lyrics to 'YeYo' a couple of months ago?
84. Well now ya know babycakes
85. My ol Melancholy Mannie ass!
86. I'll probably have snapped outta this by time anyone will have read this.
87. I need to make a list of simple shit that I do that make me happy
88. And keep it for days like this
89. Im gonna pop in my 'Heard A Word/Spirit Food' CD
90. It always helps
91. Okay I think Im done.....

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sending ya a hug. I think we're on the same wave length . . . my entire weekend has been like this. What's up with that? But at least we're in sync on the dull-drums. Buck up homie! See, I sent it, but I wasn't feelin' it for myself. Hopefully it will get to you intact. C

Lori said...

Keep ya head up Tee J! We all have moments when we feel like life is at a standstill. It's just a "moment" though. Before you know it there will be change all around you. You never know what tomorrow brings. A new sunrise, a new day, new friends, and a new outlook.

Less than a week from now you are gonna be getting all the LJ loving imaginable. Cheap champagne, dysfunctional families, good times, really good laughs, and memories to last a lifetime.

*Big big big hug* *Still hugging you... not letting you go yet...tighter... aahhh* *Kisses your forhead*

-Lori

stacypatrice said...

i know how u feel teej...silence from a talkative person tells me alot--something more than u just dont really wanna talk to me. i saw thru it which is why we revolved that detachment and tension around each other (that and other reasons). i say make yaself happy. time is unreal. u have all the time in the world if u believe. soemtimes killin time should be secondary to whats happening with u inside--spiritually..."turn my cell off and let my dome roam"....u know who that be...yeah thats right! sidenote: so if u truly wanna be happy...stop listening to jay-zs miserable ass...
;)
peace

Kk said...

Just checkin' in on u...haven't done that in a while. I'm still making headlines around here? lol Okay...Uh..let's see... ....I better make this good. So...

no matter what anybody ever thinks/ what anybody ever thinks/I still get cold when it's cold/hungry when I'm hungry/miss my mama when we're away/i get tired/i'm a person/

AND

../sometimes/I get so lonely,lonely,lonely/i feel all by myself up here/that's when i take a minute/to re-evaluate/all of the things/i think are special...yeah-yeah/

Know: You are never alone with what you feel.

Know: That love is not so unfair that one heart would be free if the connected heart is still struggling for freedom.

Know: That yes, of course, I have days that I really miss you.

Know: That real love never dies, it just changes form.

Know: That no matter how many "friends" you continue to sweep into your life, you really only need "you" to make you complete.

What's goin' on? Do u need to talk to me? I know I'm mean, but it's just the pain talkin'. But really doe (lol), be real, didn't I call you when I needed someone on the earth that I knew would really give two shits? Stop playin'. I may be dumb but I ain't stupid. I'm here if u need a return on that favor.

Oh, and know, you are a huge ball of potential. There is always a calm before a storm. Don't worry. Just relax and BE. Later.