Saturday, June 10, 2006

I Cant Write Because.....

....besides a list....i dont know what the fuck else to blog about anymore
....the feeling really hasnt hit me to write in here as of late
....maybe i have writers block
....my little sister is showing signs of trying to be wild
....i just refuse to let that shit happen!

....there is too much on my mind to get it all out
....i dont know what im doing anymore
...."i often wish i could save everyone/but im a dreamer"
....i feel like im not sure sometimes
....you'd probably never know i felt that way

....im trying to be upfront and honest with her
....i still feel like im gonna end up breaking her heart
....that'll suck big time
....my show isnt on the air
....i have to throw the show on my back and put it where it needs to be

....they are fighting and i want them to make up already
....i feel stagnant
....im steady 'getting shit for white people'
....i have to act like i like it when i dont
....im concentrating

....my youngest brother is in jail
....i havent centered myself yet
....the radio plays bullshit
....bet does too!
...."you think you know, but you have noooooo idea"

....my rent isnt paid
....taxes are a muthafucka!
....i had to get a tetanus shot b/c of that infection in my foot
....i need room dammt
.... i cant breathe

....being grown up is no joke
....my mama is stuck in limbo
....im really fooling everyone
....i have a new crush every 2 days
....yeah sure I'll definitely get a wife like that


....i dont think im maximizing my potential
....people wont mind their own fucking business!
....for some reason they're too concerned with what Teej is doing
....they oughta be watching TV instead of me

....life is truly what you make it

....she says we arent friends anymore
....that shit hurts
....discipline and motivation remain a struggle to keep
....im on myspace
....i keep trying to explain that i dont take all the myspace love too seriously

....im too damn charming for my own good

...."gimme a minute...i betcha er'thang gon turn out lovely....gimme a minute....imma be alright just trust me..."
....im prone to this melancoly shit every so often
....this turned out to be another damn list
...."Who really cares?/When I talk?/What I feel?/What I say?/Nobody, not really/Who wants to take the time to understand?/I would like someone to heal me with some empathy/But I can't find nobody, not really/Maybe I'm invisible to the world/Does anyone in the world even think of me as more than just a hopeless cause/Maybe the world is not my block/My stoop/My life/My dreams/My anything/So who wants to help?/Momma?....but she's so tired/Papa?...but you're not here/I'm alone in a big empty space with nobody, not really......"

10 comments:

Hassan said...

Bruh, you need a vacation from self. If you don't get away for a minute and just release all that shit you downloaded... trouble.

But I'm sure you know that. It's time to get to Vegas, or hide out in Wisconsin, or rent a hotel... wait, you work... never mind.

Get away dude. Take one of them negro 3-5 day weekends and just do you.

Nique=Dope. said...

Growin up sure aint no damn joke. Growin up is the biggest mistake I ever made. *Sigh

Nika Laqui said...

Luckily for Nique she wasn't forced to grow up at the age of 11.
Damn Teej, everybody going thru they own little thang..and like you said, I would've never guessed you!
But I forgot, we all human and we all are living what we call LIFE.

If this is bad it can only get better.
I feel you on ya little sister though...
I wish I DID have a big brother...
If mama and daddy ain't THEN TEEJ BETTER!!

We got enough fast ass girls runnin round...somebody gotta grab them by they collar...

simnicity said...

I've always commended you for your honesty and yes whilst this is a journal of sorts it's hardly private forum...so to put your fears, hopes and concerns out "there" is REFRESHING!!!!

You don't a vacation Teej(now is the time for hard work) you need a PLAN!!!! I can *so* relate....hell most of us can relate. The wonderful thing to embrace is that, you know what you want!! So like I said before you need to make a plan, stop living moment to moment!! What's your 5 year plan?

Okay you've identified some areas you'd like to improve....but what separates those that are successful from the rest is taking ACTION!!! What will you do today to make a better future for yourself!

Also the pity party has to stop, that was my favourite kind of party! Stop making excuses!! We all don’t start on the same rung of the ladder so just accept that you will have to climb more quickly or for longer. You don't have any kids, no mortgage...your situation is very flexible you need to take advantage of that!

Your next list should be the top 5 things that you NEED to achieve in your life and the actions you will take to effect change!!

These items may be prevalent in your thoughts but that need to be evident in your actions!!

& you’re right nobody cares enough to rescue you, we will lend an ear and a word of advice but you have to rescue yourself because a lot of us our drowning in the sea of adulthood! Bottom line you have to believe that you can & will achieve ANYTHING you strive for…the rewards won’t be immediate but you will get what you want out of this life if you have a good plan!!!

How do you get a good working plan!!

Talk to people who are living the life you want to lead… a mentor if you will… let them impart their knowledge!!

When I graduated college I was having little success with my interview technique…. 7 months unemployed is no joke!!! I talked to some friends, someone put me in touch with a HR manager who helped me with my technique. He then put me in touch with an accountant who helped me tailor these techniques for a finance environment. I got a job a few weeks later! I know we are in different fields but seeing how one person achieves can teach and inspire

Watch Oprah…I’m serious!!!
She did a “Debt Diet” Series that was very motivating, it showed me how easy it is to accumulate debt and the ways to better handle ones finances!

One resource you are totally in control of is your time…
Use that time to get ahead and inform yourself about your business etc. Use the internet for good not myspace. *wink*

& for God’s sake discipline yourself…
Buying CDs before paying rent…I couldn’t believe you did that!!

Oh and when it comes to the ladies…
Yes you are a flirt and most women (hmm all) entering a relationship wont appreciate that!! So I guess you gotta choose… be the bachelor or the one woman man!!! But your focus right now should be YOU getting outta the hotel and into your field… so you can start climbing that ladder!!

I’m pretty much going through the same thing you are going through (well kinda sorta) and I recently had my epiphany and I hope yours is just around the corner because we getting old…gotta get our shit together!!!

Anonymous said...

I agree with simncity on a lot of points she said so let me just go down the list and put my 2 cents in if you don't mind:

-Teej you can't save everyone so stop trying! you are probably there for everyone else and forgot about yourself and whats best for you. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

-And you are right I'm sure no one knew you felt that way because they are too busy telling you their problems.

-You are "trying" to be upfront and honest with her? I hate to preach but Im sure you have heard of karma right? What goes around comes around big time. I dont know what the situation is but if you really care about her try your best not to break her heart. Like you said that'll suck big time, and it could end up being worse for you in the long run.

-Make up a checklist on what you need to do to get your show back on the air.

-A crush every 2 days? You are getting up there in age there Teej, isn't it time to let that go and concentrate on one woman? Mabye the one you are trying not to hurt. Just a thought. Like I said I don't know the details.

-AMEN! People DONT mind their own business! but when you put your business out there what do you think they are gonna do?

-Myspace is a trip. I have a lot to say about it but I wont. But like simnicity said use the internet for good and not just myspace. Not to "be in your business" but you are logged on pretty much everytime I log on and I'm sure there is something esle you could be doing. But this is just my opinion, please dont take it the wrong way. My boyfriend and I deleted our pages because it caused TO MANY problems, now I only go on for work (my music page) and I sometimes have someone else run it for me. Not saying you should get rid of your page, but think about limiting your time on it just to keep your sanity. And yes you sure do get a lot of love geez =)Ladies love TJ LOL

-And just to speak on what simnicity wrote Oprah's debt diet can really help you it will be hard at first but you should entertain the idea. And I KNOW you don't want to be single/a bachelor forever so just sit and think one day and weight the pros and cons. I know your breakup was hard but it's time to move on, because there is nothing better than love. (not all that myspace love REAL LOVE)

Reese said...

Are we sharing the same soul Teej?
Seems like all too often we have the same feelings and thoughts.. at the same time.. I guess because we grind and mix with the same kind, but that could be just me... talking.. as usual.. as always,talking.. but today i'm listening to my friend, the charming, ever so silly and always SPREADING the L-O-V-E, friend. And you my dear, have a love too thick to be spread so thin.. LOL
I want to kiss you on the forehead and tell you it's ok, that I know in my heart.. it's going to get better ONE DAY.. and what the fuck does that mean anyway, because all i can see so far is how hard L-I-F-E has become... for me, you, our people and all the bullshit we see on T.V.... I fucking HATE BET! And the radio just isn't for Reese. One more thing before I go... although we are what, 2000 miles away.. i'm forever your friend, in every possible way.


I love you.
Reesie. ;) and I still hate word verification.

Reese said...

And by the way...Simnicity I loved your post and you made me take a look at some things in my own life.. Thanks for the KNOWLEDGE and ADVICE. As black people, we really need to have more people like yourself out in the world giving positive such as this... Thanks...
Reese

Honey-Libra said...

I feel ya on the growing up thing.....I'm not feelin it but hey what can I do..I ain't tryin to be no bum..but take it easy, wish there was one thing that could make all the troubles in the world go away then again how would we know what it's like to feel good if we never felt bad.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful--Joyful--Colorful--Deeply Intelligent--Caring--Talanted--Humanitarian--Sweet--Strong--Bold--Charasmatic--Spiritual--Still Learning and Growing...shall I go on? These are words that come to mind when I think of you Mr. Smile so bright it brings butterflies to flutter in my tummy ;o). T, you have purpose. Inspiration will come. There are times in our lives when we need to sit down and re-evaluate the people in our lives, the direction our jobs our taking us, and our role in the lives of the ones we love. To me, you are a beautiful soul that I have had the privelege of bumping into a long the way. I guess God was smiling on me that day ;o) . T, I wish you inspiration, prosperity, and happiness. I wish your family strength and love. ::hugs:: Gabrielle a.k.a. Sweet Sexy Soul

Anonymous said...

2 years later (since this blog was posted) and nothing has changed. same job, same issues, same complaints. *smh*